Archer (TV Series)

The Holdout (2015)

Jessica Walter: Malory Archer

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  [Open on a close-up of a cobra apparently ready to strike. Pull back to find it is dead inside a full bottle of whiskey. Archer is awakened nearby by a phone ringing and suffering from a hangover. Archer groans, groans again, and coughs. He has a recent ear piercing in his right ear that looks infected] 

  Sterling Archer : [takes the call and puts phone to ear]  Ow. Khao lard gaeng. Sawat dee?

  Malory Archer : Well, since I can only assume this is one of your idiot voicemails, I...

  Sterling Archer : [exclaiming]  Mother?

  Malory Archer : Well, I'm not falling for it again.

  Sterling Archer : Oh, for- Mother, it's me, Sterling.

  Malory Archer : Then what is the square root of nine?

  Sterling Archer : Uh... negative nine?

  Malory Archer : [gasps]  Sterling?

  Sterling Archer : Ha! Elaborate...

  Malory Archer : God damn it!

  Sterling Archer : I'm kidding, it's three, and also me.

  Malory Archer : Ass.

• [last lines] 

  Sterling Archer : And how about this renovation, huh? I can't believe they pulled it off.

  Malory Archer : What? You knew about this?

  Sterling Archer : Yeah, I was on the planning committee. I'm not a huge fan of change.

  Sterling Archer : [steps out, laughs]  Except for you, Milton!

  [Archer's laugh fades into the distance as Milton rolls into Malory's office, stops in front of her, then ejects 6 slices of toast. She glares] 

• Sterling Archer : And, how the hell did you find me?

  Malory Archer : I didn't, the CIA did.

  Sterling Archer : Oh, and how are your new overlords?

  Malory Archer : Oh, for the- They're not- Look, think of it as more of a merger.

  Sterling Archer : Ha!

  Malory Archer : [as ISIS signage is being rolled away behind Malory]  Organizations change. They evolve. They grow. Unlike some people I know.

• Malory Archer : To wit, once again you're off on one of your usual self-pitying benders.

  Sterling Archer : It's not a usual one, Mother. In case you forgot, I was forced into becoming a parent against my will.

  [Archer's room is a mess: empty drink containers, food containers, and clothes strewn around the room, frames hanging askew on the wall along with splatter stains and hand prints; a golf cart and a complete bunch of bananas just inside the door; and a baby muntjac] 

  Malory Archer : [scoffs]  Join the club. But for god's sake, six weeks is long enough.

  [muntjac barks] 

  Sterling Archer : Really? It's been six weeks?

  Malory Archer : Yes, so sober up and get some penicillin shots, because...

  Lana Kane : Is that Archer?

  Sterling Archer : Is that Lana?

  Lana Kane : [simultaneously]  Let me talk to him.

  Sterling Archer : [simultaneously]  Let me talk to her.

  [Malory holds the phone away from Lana] 

  Lana Kane : [loudly so the phone could pick her up]  So, why'd you run away when you were so excited about being a father when A.J. was born? Did reality set in?

  Sterling Archer : I- Wait, was that rhetorical?

  Sterling Archer : [feeding the muntjac a banana]  Because the next time you decide to use somebody's sperm to impregnate yourself, then maybe *that* decision should *include that other somebody*!

  [muntjac barks, leaps away, and crashes into something] 

  Lana Kane : Who? "That other somebody" who runs away at the thought of responsibility and, as we speak, is up to his eyeballs in cobra whiskey and ladyboy hookers?

  Sterling Archer : [laughs]  Oh, that is- that is...

  [Archer notices he's about to take a swig from the bottle of said cobra whiskey] 

  Sterling Archer : You don't know me!

  Lana Kane : Ha!

  [twittering laughter is heard coming from the bathroom] 

• Sterling Archer : [sighs]  Well, I hope you're happy, because I feel like a total dick.

  [Archer is marching Sato through the jungle, hands bound and at gunpoint] 

  Sterling Archer : And also kinda racist. And I resent you making me feel like that, so...

  [pause] 

  Sterling Archer : [scoffs]  I'm not a racist.

  [next scene, Ray is fanning Malory with a Japanese paper fan] 

  Malory Archer : [sobbing]  Oh, I just wanted it to be all white!

• Malory Archer : [sobbing]  Oh, I just wanted it to be all white!

  Cyril Figgis : Jeezy Petes, this drawer squeaks exactly like the old one did!

  Lana Kane : And is this... is this Brett's blood?

  Cheryl Tunt : Ugh, no, just the same type. We had to fudge it a little on the stains. Some of which actually were fudge!

  Pam Poovey : And some of which merely resembled it.

  [Malory sobs anew] 

  Ray Gillette : But *why* would you *do* this?

  [Cheryl snickers and holds her arms down and forward toward Malory, as if saying, "Obviously, for this!"] 

• Malory Archer : [pours herself a drink]  Well yes, but you can hardly blame Archer for being upset, I mean...

  Malory Archer , Lana Kane : [sniffs]  Ugh, even the ice is the same! That hint of bleach. Anyway, you didn't ask if you could use his...

  Malory Archer : [winces]  goop.

  Lana Kane : What? Malory, the whole thing about me using his "goop" was *your* idea!

  Malory Archer : [hand on hip]  Prove it.

  [Lana lets out a huge gasp of surprise] 

  Malory Archer : So now let's talk about this name, Abbiejean. Don't you think she'd be better off if she were a... Malory?

• [Abbiejean cries] 

  Malory Archer : [to Abbiejean]  Oh, shut up.

  Sterling Archer , Lana Kane : [to Malory]  Hey!

  Lana Kane : I'm not jealous about the mission. I'm upset because no one knew where you were. And if, huge if, you're gonna be involved, oh my god, in any sort of parental role for Abbiejean...

  Sterling Archer : No, yeah, I- and I, ya know, I want to. But are we married to "Abbiejean", or...?

  Malory Archer : Believe me, I tried.

  Lana Kane : Zip it, Gee-baw!

  Malory Archer : [gasps]  No! I will not be called Gee-baw! It's Grandmother Archer or nothing!

  Lana Kane : Then hush.

  Lana Kane : [to Archer]  Because we, you and I, are gonna have to establish some ground rules.

  Sterling Archer : Lana, they're just gonna get broken.

  Lana Kane : [weary sigh]  I am now going to feed our child. If you'd like to talk while I do so, follow me.

  Sterling Archer : I would! I would love to talk, Lana.

  Sterling Archer : [drinks]  Just don't wanna listen.

  [drinks again as Lana sighs wearily again and wheels out baby Abbiejean]