Archer (TV Series)

The Holdout (2015)

Aisha Tyler: Lana Kane

Quotes 

• Pam Poovey : [stopping at the janitor's closet]  I'll catch up. I gotta run in here real quick and grab some urinal cakes.

  Cyril Figgis : Why the hell do you need urinal cakes.

  Pam Poovey : For my shower at home.

  Lana Kane : Gross.

  Ray Gillette : Oh, gross.

  Cyril Figgis : Oh, Lord.

  [Pam goes in, walks to the industrial sink, looks left and right, then leans forward to look into the soap dispenser. The soap reservoir retracts and drops, revealing a retinal scanner. "RS#: 934-TXS / ID: shiro kabocha STATUS: UNLOCKED". The back wall retracts upward, the other side of which is made to look like a Japanese paper wall] 

  Pam Poovey : Mrs. Archer looked like a mule kicked her in the face.

  [Behind the wall is a Japanese-style hot spring spa, plete with bonsai trees, lanterns, and Krieger enjoying it holding two tokkuri of saké] 

  Pam Poovey : How's the water?

  Doctor Krieger : Sweet baby James, it is perfect, um... uh...

  Pam Poovey , Doctor Krieger : Pam.

  Doctor Krieger : Yes, of course, I know you're...

  [Pam drops her skirt, then discards her top, completely nude save for her earrings] 

  Pam Poovey : So I gained the weight back! Sue me!

  Doctor Krieger : No, I was...

  Pam Poovey : Look, my therapist says everybody's got a hole that needs to be filled. Some people fill it with drugs, some fill it with work, some fill it with between-meal snacks and liquor and their therapist's cock.

  Doctor Krieger : Um, I was actually looking at your pubic hair.

  Pam Poovey : Oh, yeah. It's a lightning bolt, but I guess the letters could use a touch-up. It's supposed to say "TCB". "Takin' Care of Beave-ness".

  Doctor Krieger : [she gets in the water, he hands her a tokkuri]  Super. Kampai.

  Sterling Archer , Kintaru Sato : Kampai.

• Malory Archer : To wit, once again you're off on one of your usual self-pitying benders.

  Sterling Archer : It's not a usual one, Mother. In case you forgot, I was forced into becoming a parent against my will.

  [Archer's room is a mess: empty drink containers, food containers, and clothes strewn around the room, frames hanging askew on the wall along with splatter stains and hand prints; a golf cart and a complete bunch of bananas just inside the door; and a baby muntjac] 

  Malory Archer : [scoffs]  Join the club. But for god's sake, six weeks is long enough.

  [muntjac barks] 

  Sterling Archer : Really? It's been six weeks?

  Malory Archer : Yes, so sober up and get some penicillin shots, because...

  Lana Kane : Is that Archer?

  Sterling Archer : Is that Lana?

  Lana Kane : [simultaneously]  Let me talk to him.

  Sterling Archer : [simultaneously]  Let me talk to her.

  [Malory holds the phone away from Lana] 

  Lana Kane : [loudly so the phone could pick her up]  So, why'd you run away when you were so excited about being a father when A.J. was born? Did reality set in?

  Sterling Archer : I- Wait, was that rhetorical?

  Sterling Archer : [feeding the muntjac a banana]  Because the next time you decide to use somebody's sperm to impregnate yourself, then maybe *that* decision should *include that other somebody*!

  [muntjac barks, leaps away, and crashes into something] 

  Lana Kane : Who? "That other somebody" who runs away at the thought of responsibility and, as we speak, is up to his eyeballs in cobra whiskey and ladyboy hookers?

  Sterling Archer : [laughs]  Oh, that is- that is...

  [Archer notices he's about to take a swig from the bottle of said cobra whiskey] 

  Sterling Archer : You don't know me!

  Lana Kane : Ha!

  [twittering laughter is heard coming from the bathroom] 

• Malory Archer : [sobbing]  Oh, I just wanted it to be all white!

  Cyril Figgis : Jeezy Petes, this drawer squeaks exactly like the old one did!

  Lana Kane : And is this... is this Brett's blood?

  Cheryl Tunt : Ugh, no, just the same type. We had to fudge it a little on the stains. Some of which actually were fudge!

  Pam Poovey : And some of which merely resembled it.

  [Malory sobs anew] 

  Ray Gillette : But *why* would you *do* this?

  [Cheryl snickers and holds her arms down and forward toward Malory, as if saying, "Obviously, for this!"] 

• Malory Archer : [pours herself a drink]  Well yes, but you can hardly blame Archer for being upset, I mean...

  Malory Archer , Lana Kane : [sniffs]  Ugh, even the ice is the same! That hint of bleach. Anyway, you didn't ask if you could use his...

  Malory Archer : [winces]  goop.

  Lana Kane : What? Malory, the whole thing about me using his "goop" was *your* idea!

  Malory Archer : [hand on hip]  Prove it.

  [Lana lets out a huge gasp of surprise] 

  Malory Archer : So now let's talk about this name, Abbiejean. Don't you think she'd be better off if she were a... Malory?

• [Abbiejean cries] 

  Malory Archer : [to Abbiejean]  Oh, shut up.

  Sterling Archer , Lana Kane : [to Malory]  Hey!

  Lana Kane : I'm not jealous about the mission. I'm upset because no one knew where you were. And if, huge if, you're gonna be involved, oh my god, in any sort of parental role for Abbiejean...

  Sterling Archer : No, yeah, I- and I, ya know, I want to. But are we married to "Abbiejean", or...?

  Malory Archer : Believe me, I tried.

  Lana Kane : Zip it, Gee-baw!

  Malory Archer : [gasps]  No! I will not be called Gee-baw! It's Grandmother Archer or nothing!

  Lana Kane : Then hush.

  Lana Kane : [to Archer]  Because we, you and I, are gonna have to establish some ground rules.

  Sterling Archer : Lana, they're just gonna get broken.

  Lana Kane : [weary sigh]  I am now going to feed our child. If you'd like to talk while I do so, follow me.

  Sterling Archer : I would! I would love to talk, Lana.

  Sterling Archer : [drinks]  Just don't wanna listen.

  [drinks again as Lana sighs wearily again and wheels out baby Abbiejean]