- Mike Baxter: Those of you waging a war against vaccinations, you're going to lose that war, vaccines won the Revolutionary War. See at that time there was a big outbreak of small pox, not to be confused with great pox, which is what they called syphilis, that led to the great 18th century pick up line, "Come on baby, it's only small pox." Anyhoo, the British had a natural immunity to small pox, so in a early version of biological warfare, they would intentionally spread the disease to our colonists by sneezing in public or borrowing our chap stick. We had our own secret weapon: George Washington. He would inoculate the troops using a technique called variolation. If you're eating right now I'd suggest you put down that fork. Because variolation is where you poke one of your infected buddy's infected sores and insert the goo under your own healthy skin. This led to the popular 18th century expression, "This century is gross!" But it worked. The small pox rates plummeted and we won the war. So you see if it hadn't been for vaccinations we would have lost the war, we'd all be British, football would be soccer, we'd be eating bangers and mash, and "spotted dick" would be dessert.
- Mandy Baxter: [to Kyle] I don't care if you win or lose as long as Eve loses, please make that happen.
- Vanessa Baxter: [Ryan is standing outside so he doesn't catch chicken pox] Some selfish parent, all the other other kids had their shots, why should I?
- Kristin Baxter: Or a thoughtful well informed parent who knows the vaccine can make their child sicker than the disease, I chose not to vaccinate Boyd.
- Mike Baxter: You what!
- Ryan: You what! Seriously I can't hear you, speak up!
- Eve Baxter: Little girl? You're lucky this rifle has chained down or you'd be limping out of here carrying a concealed weapon.
- Kyle Anderson: I don't understand.
- Mandy Baxter: She's gonna put it up your butt.
- Ryan: Scared of a little boy?
- Mike Baxter: This coming from the guy who took one look at him and left for three years.
- Vanessa Baxter: Can you believe there's another Kardashian?
- Mike Baxter: Like cars, comes out with a new model every year, got that new Kar-dashian smell.
- Eve Baxter: This store isn't big enough for both of us.
- Kyle Anderson: Fire code allows for 1200 people.
- Mike Baxter: Acne's not contagious.
- Mandy Baxter: I don't know that, kids at school stayed away from them, treated them like leopards.
- Vanessa Baxter: I think you mean leper.
- Mandy Baxter: The D's silent, I didn't know that.
- Eve Baxter: Mandy just called me mean.
- Mandy Baxter: Eve called Kyle a loser.
- Mike Baxter: I think you're both really onto something.
- Mandy Baxter: Kyle, you think I love you because you're good at some game? I'm not shallow like that. I love you because you're hot.