- Frankie Heck: Okay, Mike, I just stepped on a fork in the tub. How many times have we told the kids we wash spoons in the tub, knives and forks in the bathroom sink?
- Mike Heck: It's just common sense.
- Mike Heck: Look, family working together is a bad idea. You know how I feel about nepotism.
- Frankie Heck: You're letting her clean your toilets. You're not giving her a part in your movie.
- Sue Heck: Oh my God, Dad, this would be so perfect. You'll get to see another side of me. I'll get to see another side of you.
- Mike Heck: There is no other side of me.
- Frankie Heck: So, it's been awhile, huh? How're you doing, Mr. Ehlert?
- Mr. Ehlert: I had a mole the size of Texas frozen off my back and I'm sitting on a hemorrhoid pillow. How do you think I'm doing?
- Frankie Heck: Okay, you know how Oprah's motto is "Live your best life"?
- Mike Heck: Can't that woman just stay retired?