- The Dunphys are down with a cold, thanks to Phil. Jay and Gloria try to help Manny deal with playing football, and Cameron doesn't know how much playtime to give him. Mitchell debates with Lily's new friend, Sydney.
- Whoops, the family was getting sick. Jay (Ed O'Neill) got bronchitis, Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) got plugged ears, Gloria (Sofía Vergara) got vertigo so bad she had to stop wearing high heels, Haley (Sarah Hyland) was throwing up so much she had a newfound sympathy for supermodels, Claire (Julie Bowen) got all of those things at the same time, and Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) was taking the blame for it. Except for one thing: it was actually Phil's (Ty Burrell) fault. He sneezed through most of Jay's wedding toast for Cameron and Mitchell (and it was a good one, too), and not only did he infect Mitch's champagne glass, now he had to edit the wedding video and get rid of the evidence. Which was basically through all six hours of filming.
No help from anyone else, though. Claire had to take a client meeting feeling like she was because Jay and Gloria were heading to Manny's (Rico Rodriguez) football game. He was the kicker on the varsity team, only he was in a slump. Cameron, who was now the varsity coach, was ready to bench him because Manny wasn't doing well, but he didn't have the heart to tick off Jay and Gloria. Particularly Jay, who was re-channeling his days playing for Polk High (yes, the Al Bundy references are still good) and telling Manny nerves were good. (JAY: If you're not throwing up a little, you're doing something wrong.) Jay applied this same technique to Claire, who was trying to get him to take the meeting for her because she was so sick. But she didn't have the heart to cave in, despite hitching a ride to the meeting on a luggage cart. Jay remembered her toughing it out through field hockey (rugby) when she sprained (broke) her ankle. But she figured a meeting in the hotel lobby would be OK. Until the client wanted to take her up to lunch on the revolving rooftop.
Phil's solution for the video was to use Luke (Nolan Gould) and a green screen to pretend he was laughing instead of sneezing and edit in video shots of other wedding guests. From the actual wedding when that was possible. Which worked fine...when Luke "laughed" at Jay saying his father died 25 years ago today. Then Phil pretended to be "touched" at Jay's speech. Luke suggested he looked sad. (LUKE: Think of me going off to college. Why are you smiling?) That also worked. Both Phil's looked very touched by what Jay said.And as Mitchell finally finds the perfect playmate for Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons)...and by perfect, he means doesn't eat paste and already has an IQ at genius level...Alex (Ariel Winter) has to admit being proud of Haley. She's been avoiding Andy and not leading him on like Alex told her. Well, as far as Alex knew.
If you guessed the football game would come down to Manny kicking a field goal, then you've watched too many sitcoms. And they've written this scene too many times. But the ball goes through the uprights! There must be something wrong. Well, there is: Manny was on the bench and the 2nd team kicker put it through.
Mitchell was proud of Lily's drawing, but her new playmate Sydney outshined it by a mile. Lily knew all the state capitals, but Sydney knew the world captials. Mitchell thought she was being a little know-it-all, which made Sydney cry. Mitchell tried to apologize and say he never said that, but of course Sydney had a photographic memory. Now Lily was upset with Mitchell, and acccidentally spilling a drink on Sydney's work and getting his watch caught in her hair by mistake didn't help. Oh, and all of this just as Sydney's mother arrives, naturally.
SYDNEY'S MOM: (upset) What kind of a person calls a six-year-old a know-it-all? (storms out)
MITCHELL: (turns to Lily) She's a year younger than you?!?
Everybody gathered for dinner at Jay and Gloria's. Mitchell and Cameron were ready to out-duel each other on who had the worse day. Phil was freaking out about having to admit to sneezing through the wedding video, and Haley decided to talk to Andy and let him down gently...and dressing nice is apparently the best way to do that. Haley goes to talk to him, but apparently he had his speech all set to let her down. He apologized because he was confused about his girlfriend the last time they talked and misinterpreted the signals he thought he was getting from Haley. She...agreed...they were wrong for each other. (ANDY: Good thing we didn't kiss; you would have been destroyed.)
Meanwhile, Manny wasn't hungry, Cameron was benched to the kids' table (where there were no kids) and Lily was ticked off at Mitchell. Of course, nobody took Mitchell's side on this, including him, because he was upset Sydney was making him feel like a failure with Lily. Phil wholeheartedly agreed that you can't force kids to live up to your tough expectations...and that applied to adults as well, he added quickly. Gloria turned on Jay, saying he put too much pressure on his kids, but Jay claimed he didn't put any more pressure on them than they could handle...just as Claire enters the house and passes out. But Manny finally admitted Cameron was right to bench him. Gloria gave Jay both barrels for it, but Manny said was more afraid of disappointing Gloria. Jay knew Manny wasn't good at sports, but Gloria always made him out to be her "perfect little angel," so he freaked out about failure at every turn, even missing the first two days of culinary camp.
Haley, taking advantage of the awkard tension in the house to go back to Andy, confronted Andy, who claimed girls do not get over him. That she would be an emotional wreck if they kissed. Haley wasn't putting up with that; she even claimed she had three stalkers, one of which had her face spray-painted on his van. (HALEY: I had to stand there while he did it.) Andy finally admitted being kissed by Haley would have rocked his world...and rocked hers even more. OK, she had had enough and kissed him. And was shocked to discover it didn't even slow Andy down.
It was time to watch the video. Naturally, Phil didn't want anyone to see it, but then between Mitchell's horrible dancing, Cam's crazy crying face, Claire being hammered, and enough flop sweat on Jay to grow rice, Phil decided everybody could be forgiven by him editing out the bad parts. Of course, Lily knows he sneezed on the cake.
PHIL: Nobody likes a know-it-all.
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