Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot (2014)

Ashton Kutcher: Walden Schmidt

Quotes 

• Walden Schmidt : I found this company, and they help you locate old vehicles. It's called "Dude Where's My Car".

  Barry : So what's so great about this thing?

  Walden Schmidt : I don't know, it's my first car. I had a lot of firsts in it. First time I learned to drive, first time I had sex, first time I had a condom break, first time I prayed.

  Barry : So, you gonna buy this car?

  Walden Schmidt : No, some guy named Dirk in Denver has it.

  Jenny Harper : So, why go through all the effort of tracking it down if you don't want it?

  Walden Schmidt : Nostalgia. It's kinda like lookin' up your first girlfriend, or your High School math teacher. For me those were one in the same. She still writes me from prison.

  Barry : I think my math teacher had a crush on me, too. I mean, why else would he ask me to take a shower after Math Team practice?

• Barry : My Dad wasn't around much. I had to teach myself all those things that Dads teach ya: How to ride a bike, how to shave, how to change a tire, how to masturbate.

  Walden Schmidt : [disgusted]  What? No, Dads don't teach you how to masturbate.

  Barry : Glad somebody told me before I had kids.