Silicon Valley (TV Series)

Optimal Tip-To-Tip Efficiency (2014)

Kumail Nanjiani: Dinesh Chugtai

Photos 

Quotes 

• Erlich : Yeah, we're gonna win even if I have to go into the auditorium and personally jerk off every guy in the audience.

  Jared : That's a lot of jerking.

  Gilfoyle : And we only have ten minutes to present. So...

  Richard : So, we're fucked, aren't we?

  Dinesh : Yeah, even if he's jerking two at a time, there are, what, 800 guys in that room? So that's 400 times whatever the mean jerk-time is.

  Jared : The what?

  Dinesh : Mean jerk-time. I mean, it doesn't matter, but, hypothetically, time is equal to 400 total jerks at a two-dick rate.

  Gilfoyle : Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a time, and then we can cut that in half.

  Dinesh : How would he do four guys...? He's got two hands, so that's two dicks at a time, right?

  Gilfoyle : Look, you have two guys on either side with their dicks, tip to tip, so you're going full-length. Four, see?

  Jared : Oh... From the middle out. That does make sense.

  Gilfoyle : Like two Shake Weights.

  Dinesh : Yeah, so what we're trying to do, hypothetically, is minimize which is 800 dudes, multiplied by mean-jerk time, divided by four dicks at a time. Of course, Erlich would have to pre-sort guys by height, so that their dicks lined up.

  Gilfoyle : Not by height, technically. The measurement that we're looking for, really, is dick to floor. Call that D2F.

  Erlich : You know, if a guy's dick was long enough, it would be able to reach up or down to another guy with a different D2F. The longer the dick, the greater the D2F bridge, but I would still be able to jerk it off in one smooth motion... I'd just have to jerk it on an angle.

  Gilfoyle : So D2F sub-1 needs to equal D2F sub-2, and D2F sub-3 needs to equal D2F sub-4, where length L creates a complimentary shaft angle. Call that theta D. Now, the orgasm threshold... as a function of Lamda sub...

  Jared : Guys, does girth-similarity affect Erlich's ability to jerk different dicks simultaneously?

  Erlich : Shit. Yeah, I think it would.

  Erlich : Of course, it does. Time to orgasm, or T2O, has to be the same for each matching pair of dicks otherwise I'm wasting a lot of great strokes on a guy that's already busted.

  Gilfoyle : Unless you can hotswap dicks in and out. So on a downstroke, you get a new one in. So when you stroke up you're not wasting any energy.

  Dinesh : Even so. I think this is the most reliable metric for stamina.

  [after the TechCrunch Disrupt] 

  Erlich : Let me ask you something. How fast do you think you could jack off every guy in this room? 'Cause I know how long it would take me. And I can prove it.

• Gilfoyle : Every day it feels like I've died and gone to hell.

  Booth Worker : Oh?

  Dinesh : He's a Satanist. It's a good thing.

• Jared : I'll admit I'm sleep challenged. I just spent 4 days trapped in a steel box out in an oil rig full of robot forklifts. But now I'm back, and I am recovering, and I am focused, and we're going to pivot. Don't lose faith guys. Look at me, look at me. We've got a great name, we've got a great team, we've got a great logo, and we've got a great name. And now we just need an idea. Let's pivot. Let's pivot.

  [Leaves] 

  Dinesh : That might be the last time we see him alive.