Silicon Valley (TV Series)

Optimal Tip-To-Tip Efficiency (2014)

Zach Woods: Donald 'Jared' Dunn

Photos 

Quotes 

• Erlich : Yeah, we're gonna win even if I have to go into the auditorium and personally jerk off every guy in the audience.

  Jared : That's a lot of jerking.

  Gilfoyle : And we only have ten minutes to present. So...

  Richard : So, we're fucked, aren't we?

  Dinesh : Yeah, even if he's jerking two at a time, there are, what, 800 guys in that room? So that's 400 times whatever the mean jerk-time is.

  Jared : The what?

  Dinesh : Mean jerk-time. I mean, it doesn't matter, but, hypothetically, time is equal to 400 total jerks at a two-dick rate.

  Gilfoyle : Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a time, and then we can cut that in half.

  Dinesh : How would he do four guys...? He's got two hands, so that's two dicks at a time, right?

  Gilfoyle : Look, you have two guys on either side with their dicks, tip to tip, so you're going full-length. Four, see?

  Jared : Oh... From the middle out. That does make sense.

  Gilfoyle : Like two Shake Weights.

  Dinesh : Yeah, so what we're trying to do, hypothetically, is minimize which is 800 dudes, multiplied by mean-jerk time, divided by four dicks at a time. Of course, Erlich would have to pre-sort guys by height, so that their dicks lined up.

  Gilfoyle : Not by height, technically. The measurement that we're looking for, really, is dick to floor. Call that D2F.

  Erlich : You know, if a guy's dick was long enough, it would be able to reach up or down to another guy with a different D2F. The longer the dick, the greater the D2F bridge, but I would still be able to jerk it off in one smooth motion... I'd just have to jerk it on an angle.

  Gilfoyle : So D2F sub-1 needs to equal D2F sub-2, and D2F sub-3 needs to equal D2F sub-4, where length L creates a complimentary shaft angle. Call that theta D. Now, the orgasm threshold... as a function of Lamda sub...

  Jared : Guys, does girth-similarity affect Erlich's ability to jerk different dicks simultaneously?

  Erlich : Shit. Yeah, I think it would.

  Erlich : Of course, it does. Time to orgasm, or T2O, has to be the same for each matching pair of dicks otherwise I'm wasting a lot of great strokes on a guy that's already busted.

  Gilfoyle : Unless you can hotswap dicks in and out. So on a downstroke, you get a new one in. So when you stroke up you're not wasting any energy.

  Dinesh : Even so. I think this is the most reliable metric for stamina.

  [after the TechCrunch Disrupt] 

  Erlich : Let me ask you something. How fast do you think you could jack off every guy in this room? 'Cause I know how long it would take me. And I can prove it.

• Police Officer : Do you have any weapons or drugs on your person?

  Jared : Why, yes! Yes, I do!

  Police Officer : Adderall! This is a highly controlled substance. Are these yours?

  Jared : No, those belong to an underaged kid that I brought to my house.

  Police Officer : Okay, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me.

  Jared : That's a kind invitation, but I have too much to do. I'm pivoting. I'm pivoting!

  [runs away] 

• Jared : How much would it be worth to you if I told you I had a GPS app called Pied Piper tracking the location of your child? I can follow your child anywhere and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Most missing children are never found. Interested, very interested, or very interested?

• Richard : When was the last time you slept, Jared?

  Jared : Absolutely, David.

• Jared : I'll admit I'm sleep challenged. I just spent 4 days trapped in a steel box out in an oil rig full of robot forklifts. But now I'm back, and I am recovering, and I am focused, and we're going to pivot. Don't lose faith guys. Look at me, look at me. We've got a great name, we've got a great team, we've got a great logo, and we've got a great name. And now we just need an idea. Let's pivot. Let's pivot.

  [Leaves] 

  Dinesh : That might be the last time we see him alive.

• Jared : You've heard the phrase "Time to pay the piper", right? What if there was an app called "Pied Piper" that could tell you to statistical degree of certainty whether you were going to heaven or hell? Very interested, somewhat interested or not interested? Which one? Which one?

• Jared : Hi! I'd like to talk to you about a company called Pied Piper. What does it do? Good question. Maybe you can help us find an answer. What if Pied Piper was an app that could attract rodents? You know, like the fairy tale? For purposes of extermination or to feed your pet snake. We're not here to tell you what to do with your rats, we're here to get you rats, STAT. Would you be very interested, somewhat interested or not interested? Which one?