- Lucy Wilde: [from trailer]
- [spotting Gru and Dru with a weapon]
- Lucy Wilde: So, you two are villains now?
- Gru: Whaa...?
- [hides the weapon]
- Gru: I mean, hello, sweetie.
- Dru: [whispering to Gru out of the corner of his mouth] Busted...
- Mel the Minion: [singing onstage in the Sing competition with other Minions] Pito pato milo mila taka tiki poulet tika Cepa la joi demitoka lana moule macarena. Pao leggis pabo pati mele cepa maka guta mami lebel mela mustache elle muchaaaa...
- [last lines]
- Lucy Wilde: Let's get him.
- Gru: Honey, he's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.
- [from trailer]
- Lucy Wilde: Agents Grucy are closing fast!
- Gru: Yes! Wait, wha? What did you call us?
- Lucy Wilde: Grucy. You know, Gru and Lucy mushed together. Grucy.
- Gru: [laughs] I like it, but not a lot. I don't like it.
- Balthazar Bratt: [On TV] Gum one, gum all!
- Balthazar Bratt: "Gum one, gum all!" Seriously, how did this show not win an Emmy?
- [from trailer]
- Lucy Wilde: [about Dru's mansion] This place is amazing!
- Dru: It's nice, I guess, sure.
- [puts on sunglasses]
- Dru: I'm not really into things...
- [opens the doors, which reveals tons of red vehicles]
- [from trailer]
- Minion: [looks at a statue of a Gru relative and laughs; to another Minion] Hey, sesct Gru gon boobs!
- Agnes: The soup of the day, madame and monsieur. The Gummi Bears were my idea.
- Gru: [Looks warily at soup] Mmm. Looks almost too good to even eat. Am I right?
- Agnes: But I made it for you.
- Gru: [Takes a spoonful, struggles to avoid retching] Mmm, mmm, mmm! Good soup! I love the combination...
- [swallows]
- Gru: ... of Gummi Bears and meat.
- Lucy Wilde: Nobody, NOBODY curses my daughter, you got that? Because if you mess with Margo, you mess with me! And I promise, you do not want to mess with me! Do you understand me?
- [from trailer]
- Dru: [to Gru] I brought you here to continue the family business. Villainy is in your blood!
- Agnes: [to the Scar Faced Man] You saw a for real, like, unicorn? What did it look like? Did you pet it? Did it smell like candy? Was it FLUFFY?
- The Scar Faced Man: It was so fluffy... I thought I was gonna die!
- [Agnes smiles and screams extremely loud]
- Lucy Wilde: [outside the shop] Agnes!
- [breaks in and severely attacks everyone]
- Lucy Wilde: Excuse me!
- [grabs a dart from someone and puts it in another person]
- Lucy Wilde: Don't worry, I'm here!
- [picks Agnes up]
- Lucy Wilde: Are you okay?
- [pants]
- Edith: Yeah, we're fine. Are you...?
- Agnes: Unicorns are really real! And I'm gonna find ONE!
- [happily runs outside the shop]
- Lucy Wilde: [to everyone who is knocked out on the floor after she attacked them] Sorry. Went a little mamma bear on ya. You know, I heard a scream and... Yeah, okay. Have a good one!
- [from TV Spot]
- Valerie Da Vinci: Agent Gru, YOU'RE FIRED!
- Lucy Wilde: If you fire him, you're gonna have to fire me. Do you really wanna do that? Alu-ya.
- [guards throw them out]
- Lucy Wilde: Well, I guess she did.
- [from Trailer]
- Prisoner: [to a Minion after they all shower] We've been waiting a long time.
- Prisoner: [Minion whips him with towel] No, no!
- Balthazar Bratt: You've ruined everything! And now it's time to die! Any last words, Gru!
- Gru: You know what? I got two words for you: dance fight!
- [starts dancing]
- Balthazar Bratt: Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong!
- Balthazar Bratt: Hello, Gru. How's your transition coming? You know, from world's worst villain to world's worst agent.
- [pulls out a gun and aims it at Gru]
- Gru: [sarcastic] Oh, that's hilarious. You should be on TV.
- [slaps the gun away]
- Gru: Oh, that's right, you were!
- [aims the Freeze Ray and aims it at Bratt]
- Gru: But then you got canceled!
- [laughs]
- Balthazar Bratt: [kicks the Freeze Ray away; pulls out a humongous gun and aims it at Gru] Ha ha!
- Gru: Oh, what about that?
- [punches the gun away and squirts a squirt gun at Bratt]
- Gru: Whaa...? Ah, girls!
- [throws the squirt gun at Bratt and throws punches at him]
- Balthazar Bratt: [dodges the punches] Dance fight!
- [dodges and dances as Gru tries to catch him]
- Balthazar Bratt: You know, Clive, playing a villain on TV was fun... but being one in real life is even better! Heist music!
- Clive the Robot: Here it comes.
- [puts cassette on radio; "Take My Breath Away" plays]
- Balthazar Bratt: What? Clive, what are you doing? How is that heist music!
- Clive the Robot: Sorry, my bad.
- [Flips cassette over; "Bad" by Michael Jackson plays]
- [from trailer]
- Valerie Da Vinci: [looking at a photo of Bratt's attack on a military ship] It's some kind of monster!
- Silas: Wait, that's not a monster!
- [zooms in]
- Silas: That's a man wearing shoulder pads. There's only one supervillain whose fashion sense is quite that dated... Balthazar Bratt. I want every agent on the scene immediately!
- [from trailer]
- Lucy Wilde: Get ready!
- Gru: Get ready for wha...
- [Lucy propels him off his water bike and onto a military ship]
- Gru: ... aaaaAAAAHH...
- Balthazar Bratt: Hello, Gru.
- [threatens Gru with his large gun]
- Balthazar Bratt: Ha ha!
- Gru: [knocks the gun away] Oh, what about that?
- [squirts a squirt gun in Bratt's face]
- Gru: Wha? Agh, girls!
- [tries to punch Bratt, who slides beneath him]
- Balthazar Bratt: Dance fight!
- [dodges, dances, and sings all at once as Gru tries to catch him]
- Museum Director: Monsier Pompeux!
- Museum Director: [kisses Monsiur Pompeux] To what do we owe the presence of the world's foremost gem expert?
- Monsieur Pompeux: The chief of police sent me. He was concerned that during the recent heist attempt, the Dumont diamond was replaced with a phony.
- Monsieur Pompeux: [they all gasp, then Museum Director opens the door, with Monsieur Pompeux walking in to the diamond, snapping his fingers, looking at a diamond, sniffing it, licking it] Ooh-la-la! You have been duped.
- Museum Director: What? We have?
- Monsieur Pompeux: Yes! BY ME!
- [shoots at the men]
- Museum Director: But what is...?
- [looks at Monsieur Pompeux head]
- Museum Director: Oh, no!
- Museum Director: [runs away] Help!
- Balthazar Bratt: [shoots at Museum Director, taking off Monsieur Pompeux outfit, pressing play button, with the music of Take on Me by A-ha playing, grappling up, revealing the disco light, grabbing the diamond, going up]
- Balthazar Bratt: I've been a bad boy! Or should I say, Je suis un mauvais garcon!
- [laughing]
- [from TV Spot]
- Prisoner: [accidentally kicks a ball the the Minions, who take advantage of it] Hey, give that back!
- [Minions refuse and attack]
- Agnes, Margo: [to Gru and Lucy] Aloha!
- [show them a Hawaiian decorated tree]
- Gru: [irritated] This is unexpected...
- Margo: [puts a lei with flowers on it on Gru] Well, you never got to go on a honeymoon, so...
- Edith: [recording with her phone] ... we made you dinner!
- Agnes: It's a luau!
- [hands Lucy a lei with flowers on it]
- Agnes: We got pineapples and coconuts and ukuleles!
- [drags Lucy as Margo drags Gru]
- Gru: [irritated still] Oh, yay...
- Gru: You didn't have to do that, though. I know you love your job.
- Lucy Wilde: I love other things more.
- [as Lucy tucks the girls in]
- Agnes: [sleepily] Love you, Mom.
- Lucy Wilde: [goes into the hall, closes the door softly] I'm a mom... I'm a mom! AAAH!
- [first lines]
- TV Show Host: The year was 1985... and the number one show on TV was...
- Balthazar Bratt: Evil Bratt!