Community (TV Series)

Cooperative Polygraphy (2014)

Joel McHale: Jeff Winger

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Quotes 

• Jeff Winger : I know what Pierce is referring to. I have a box of "forgotten items" in my apartment. I happen to be a single male. Visitors leave things.

  Mr. Stone : Is one of your trophies a pair of Ms. Perry's panties?

  Britta Perry : [gasps]  You told me a hawk stole them! You exploited me, and made me believe in a slightly more magical world!

  Abed Nadir : If you want to collect women's underwear, can't you just buy them?

  Jeff Winger : They have to be won in battle.

  Annie Edison : Ugh! Gross!

  Shirley Bennett : [simultaneously]  Jeffrey!

  Troy Barnes : Awesome.

• Mr. Stone : Mr. Winger, state your name.

  Jeff Winger : Jeffrey Winger.

  Mr. Stone : Are you gay?

  Jeff Winger : No.

  Mr. Stone : Are you sure you're not gay?

  Jeff Winger : Yes.

  Mr. Stone : Gay-murderer-says-what?

  Jeff Winger : What?

  Mara : He's telling the truth.

  Mr. Stone : I've been instructed to point out that that means you're gay.

• Mr. Stone : [Reading Pierce's will]  "Jeff Winger, did you know you're gay?"

  Jeff Winger : No.

  Mr. Stone : "Agree to disagree. To you, I leave this bottle of fine scotch so that you're less tempted to drink this cylinder of even finer sperm."

• Jeff Winger : I think we can all agree that the gross thing here is that Pierce is snooping through my stuff.

  Troy Barnes : Not really, Abed and I go through your stuff all the time. Why do you keep bread in the freezer?

  Abed Nadir : And why does your bathroom mirror say "You're special" when you fog it up?

  Jeff Winger : Look, I don't have to answer these... You took a shower?

  Abed Nadir : Yeah.

• Jeff Winger : [after hearing that his Netflix account is getting used by Troy and Abed]  Is that why my review of "The Grey" is constantly changing?

  Abed Nadir : Yes, stop giving it four stars.

  Jeff Winger : I like Liam Neeson!

  Abed Nadir : Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.

• Mr. Stone : [the group is taking lie detector tests]  You can quit anytime you like, but it should be noted that Mr. Hawthorne's estate is worth over $20,000,000, and only those cleared of his murder can receive their bequeathments.

  Jeff Winger : I'm only gonna say this once. Clearly, Pierce is trying to lure us into a labyrinth of emotional manipulation and strategic instigation. And I think we're all smart enough to know we should quit while we're not ahead.

  Shirley Bennett : I do believe we should...

  Annie Edison : Yes, definitely.

  Troy Barnes : Absolutely.

  Abed Nadir : Yep.

  Britta Perry : Uh huh.

  Mara : They're all lying.

  Shirley Bennett : We all know that, ya judgemental bitch!

• Ben Chang : What up, n-bombs? How's the funeral? Awesome?

  Jeff Winger : No, Chang, our friend's funeral was not awesome.

• Annie Edison : Abed, you were by the coffin for a long time. Are you okay?

  Abed Nadir : I'm okay, although...

  Abed Nadir , Troy Barnes : [singing]  Troy and Abed are in mourning.

  Jeff Winger : Will you guys please stop doing that?

  Annie Edison : I can't believe you did it during your eulogy. So uncomfortable.

  Abed Nadir : I don't think the audience got that were singing "mourning" with a "u."

  Troy Barnes : You were singing mourning with a u? Oh, no.

• Jeff Winger : If we're no better than Pierce, and Pierce is no worse than us, then that means... Nobody's really that bad. So what if we're willing to suffer and inflict pain at the mere prospect of material reward? If we stop now, that doesn't make us better. It just makes us so dishonest that we would rather be poor than admit we're flawed. Pierce admitted he was flawed, and he died rich. Let's celebrate his life and death in the honest way, not by saying fake nice things around a casket, but by admitting we're monsters and clawing joyfully for some of his cash.

• Jeff Winger : Come on, it's just Pierce being Pierce. It's his final wish.

  Abed Nadir : If I had a final wish, I'd use it to stay alive.

• Troy Barnes : Just a reminder you gotta live life to the fullest. By the time Pierce was my age he had already been fired from 15 jobs. I've only seen two Police Academies. The last two.

  Jeff Winger : Well, he's gone too soon but won't be soon forgotten.

  Mr. Stone : I would say you're quite correct, Mr. Winger.

  Jeff Winger : Who the hell are you?

  Mr. Stone : I am Mr. Stone.

  Troy Barnes : That's easy for you to say... and for us to say.

• Mr. Stone : Shirley, did you know that Britta was high on marijuana at your son's baptism?

  Shirley Bennett : [Annoyed]  I'm sorry?

  Britta Perry : Well, no higher than usual.

  Mara : Not true.

  Shirley Bennett : You did drugs in my church?

  Britta Perry : No, I did drugs in the parking lot of your church. How else do you expect somebody to sit through something like that? At least with a bris there's an element of suspense.

  Shirley Bennett : Well, next time, I'll have Cheech and Chong do the warm-up!

  Jeff Winger : Guys, these questions are obviously designed to turn us against each other. If we want to beat Pierce at his game, we have to own up to our mistakes and forgive each other.

  Mr. Stone : Mr. Winger, is it true that you keep trophies of your sexual conquests?

  Jeff Winger : In a church, Britta? For shame. It's where Jesus gets his mail.

• Jeff Winger : Respect for the dead is only a thing because the dead usually don't do any more damage.