- Jay Pritchett: [about hiring a male nanny] He's a man. It's weird. He's a weird man. He's Phil, only I have to pay for him.
- Phil Dunphy: You don't tell a man on the throes of a Celine Dion concert to grow a pair. The ship sank, but her love will last forever!
- Jay Pritchett: Tonight, Frank you and me out on the town.
- Phil Dunphy: Oh, fun, a three-way.
- Jay Pritchett: I already regret this.
- Jay Pritchett: [about Manny] I'm telling you, there's an embarrassing press conference in that kid's future.
- Mitchell Pritchett: We're getting married in seven months.
- Cameron Tucker: Or eight months.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I don't like getting married in April.
- Cameron Tucker: Well, I don't like sweating in May.
- Pepper Saltzman: You don't know what I've been through!
- Cameron Tucker: Well, maybe that's the problem.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, you've been put through the mill, Pepper. Heard it!
- Pepper Saltzman: Every wedding is unique, like a snowflake. And my job is to give you the snowflake that will make everyone die of jealousy.
- Cameron Tucker: It's all we ever wanted.
- Jeannie: You two remind me of me and my sister. We were always fighting. I accused her of stealing my boyfriend, she accused me of stabbing me. Believe me, if I wanted to stab my sister, that skank be stabbed.
- Claire Dunphy: She's not a therapist, is she?
- Pepper Saltzman: [sobbing] I've done 53 gay weddings and... none of them are mine.
- Ronaldo: And whose fault do you think that is?
- Pepper Saltzman: I feel like you're implying mine, but I really don't see it.