- Girl: [Max and Caroline are taking orders at a Starbucks] I'll have a tall cap, triple shot, half calf.
- Max Black: Small scrap, nipple slap, half half!
- Girl: That's not what I said.
- Caroline Channing: Tall cap, triple shot, half calf?
- Max Black: Girl, you're good at this. You should work at Starbucks.
- Caroline Channing: [Caroline is talking about the new cappuccino machine] Okay, good. Now we've got the power on, but how do we steam the milk? Maybe it's on this touchpad thing.
- [Caroline pushes a button and a ton of hot steam comes out and Caroline screams]
- Caroline Channing: Oh, Holy Mother of God! I just steamed my vagina.
- Han Lee: [Han comes into the back diner area] Max, Caroline, your shift started three minutes ago.
- Caroline Channing: Who cares about sidework? I probably can't have children.
- Han Lee: What is wrong with her?
- Max Black: She just had her carpet steamed-cleaned.
- Oleg: [Oleg pops his head out from the back work area] Caroline, you need a cappuccino machine? I can get you one cheap. I know a guy. And if you need clean urine or a micro pig. I also know that guy.
- Luis: [Luis sees Oleg] Oh, my God. Who was that?
- Max Black: Oh that's... That's Oleg. He's the cook.
- Luis: He is gorgeous.
- Luis: Is Oleg in here? I thought I smelled him. That delicious mix of man and butter.
- Caroline Channing: Oleg's in the closet.
- Luis: Oh, honey, I could've told you that.
- Caroline Channing: Really, Luis, Oleg is straight. Wait till you see what happens when I place an order for a bone-in rib eye.
- Max Black: It's true. He shows us his penis every...
- Luis: Ah-ah-ah, boundaries, girls, boundaries. So is it a nice one?
- Max Black: Well, it did open a door for me once.
- Max Black: [First lines]
- [She and Caroline come up to a table with a couple]
- Max Black: Hi, how can I help you? And by that I mean, "What's the least I can do to help you."
- Guy: I'll have the burger with the fries. She'll have it with the salad.
- Girl: But I want the fries.
- Guy: Ah, you want them, but you don't need them.
- Girl: [Coldly] Fine. The salad. I have to pee.
- [Gets up and heads to the restroom]
- Caroline Channing: [after she's out of sight] Hi, what's your name?
- Guy: David.
- Caroline Channing: [Still cheerfully] David, you should go.
- Guy: I'm sorry?
- Caroline Channing: You want her to have salad, she wants you to have hair. Neither one's gonna happen tonight.
- Max Black: Yeah, it's not gonna work out between you and French fries. Oh, maybe it will for a week or a year. Depends if she was molested as a kid. But one of these days, she's coming after you. Probably in the dark, probably with a knife. And she's gonna cut off one or both of your balls. And you won't think a side of fries matters when you have zero balls.
- Guy: [Nervously after hearing this] She'll have the fries.
- Max Black: Yes, she will.
- Caroline Channing: [after walking away from table] Look at us. We saved another woman's dignity and another man's balls.
- Max Black: Yeah, we're like Dr. Phil but more qualified.
- Caroline Channing: I think I can handle it. I went to Wharton.
- Devon: Well, I went to Harvard.
- Max Black: And I went to juvie. And we're all here wearing an apron.