- Eli Sachs: You're watching the Little League World Series? You never even went to one of my games.
- David Sachs: I don't know these kids so I'm not ashamed when they screw up.
- Edna: You be nice to your son or you won't get into heaven.
- David Sachs: Heaven doesn't exist! It's just a lie to keep morons from freaking out.
- Crawford Whittemore: What if I told you I could corner the entire market on penguin meat?
- Warner Whittemore: Um, people eat penguin meat?
- Crawford Whittemore: [takes sandwich out of briefcase] Here, taste this!
- Warner Whittemore: Um, no.
- Crawford Whittemore: Eli, try!
- Eli Sachs: Uh, I can't, I'm Jewish.
- Crawford Whittemore: That's okay, it's free!