Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier (2013)

Dylan Saunders: Ja'far

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ja'far : Be wary of young boys who whip out their songs. A song is often a prelude... to a dick. A song is a dick in sheep's clothing!

• Ja'far : You must forgive our princess, she is youthful, but... well meaning.

  Prince Achmed : [scoffs]  Do not feed me a shit and call it couscous, Ja'far.

• Aladdin : Sultan, princess? This guy is a sorcerer. Think about it! How is it that he knows so much shit? Hey Ja'far, where do hippopotamuses come from?

  Ja'far : Africa.

  Aladdin : See, how did you fucking know that, sorcerer?

• Confident Hunter , Amputee Pirate Captain , Sea Witch , Jilted Witch , Scarred Lion : [Villians chanting]  I only wished, I only wished, I only wished, I only wished!

  Puppy Killer : [Cruella appearing]  I only wished to have a coat made out of puppies!

  Confident Hunter , Amputee Pirate Captain , Sea Witch , Jilted Witch , Scarred Lion , Ja'far : [Everyone yelling at Cruella]  Just leave! What's wrong with you? Get out! That's insane! Why would you do that?

• Ja'far : Phenomenal cosmic power... shitty, shitty living space.

• Captain : Some fool atop an elephant is leading a parade throughout the marketplace.

  Ja'far : A parade? With no permits, no clearing of the streets? What of the apple carts?

  Captain : They're all turned over!

• Gazeem : I walked right into his shop, and I fucked his puppy.

  Ja'far : [horrified]  What?

  Gazeem : [laughing]  Ja'far! That is another common expression. Yeah! It means that I put that merchant in his place as *if* he were a defenseless little puppy.

  Ja'far : Oh. Oh... colorful expressions in the marketplace these days.

• Ja'far : [reading]  By royal decree of the Sultan and his executive branch, the entire 2D department is to be disbanded. All 150 of its members are to be sacked.

  Captain : Mm-hm. We put them in burlap sacks and beat them until they were dead.

  Ja'far : But those were men and women of talent and quality! All those masters of craftsmen just thrown right out the window!

  Captain : [nodding]  Out of the highest window of the western tower.

• Aladdin : But she's the princess. To even stand a chance, I'd have to have enough money to like, hire an army of assassins to kill the royal vizier and all the palace guards. Then I could sneak in and, you know, pork her. 'Cause dude, once I get my mind set on a chick, I just can't move on. Until I get this nut out.

  Ja'far : Well first you must escape the Tiger Head Cave with your life.

  Ja'far : [yelling]  Then you can get your nut out!

  Ja'far : [ominously]  Your eternal nut out.

  Aladdin : Nice.

• Princess : I knew everything about him! He was my soulmate! My - my...

  Princess : [pause]  God, I am flaking out, what was his name?

  Ja'far : Aladdin.

  Princess : Aladdin. I'm writing that down.

• Ja'far : I was not charmed by the song you sang when you came out of the lamp and I am not charmed by your crazy bullshit now. You either need to back me the fuck up...

  Ja'far : [threateningly]  or shut the fuck up. Got it?

  Djinn : You had me at hello.

  [grins and looks around at the audience] 

• Ja'far : Okay Jesus Christ, I have no idea what is going on, but you're in no position to be handling that knife or this lamp!

• Ja'far : And what of our story? How does it end?

  Sherrezade : It doesn't.

  [last lines] 

• Ja'far : 'Cause after all I must be pretty great if you believed in me.