- [first lines]
- Perky Saleswoman: We have on the line with us Victoria from Cleveland. Tell us, Victoria, why are you so excited about these amazing Space Bags?
- Victoria Chase: Well, the love of my life was recently thrown into prison, and it turns out that jail cells have no closet space at all. I'll take five hundred.
- Melanie Moretti: Victoria!
- [grabs the phone]
- Melanie Moretti: Miss Chase will not be purchasing Space Bags at this time. Thank you.
- Victoria Chase: Why are you shop-blocking me?
- Elka Ostrovsky: [Elks enters carrying a shotgun] I heard noises.
- Joy Scroggs: Is that thing loaded?
- Elka Ostrovsky: One of us is.
- Melanie Moretti: Well, we're having an intervention for Victoria.
- Elka Ostrovsky: Because of her drinking?
- Melanie Moretti: No.
- Joy Scroggs: She's grief-shopping,
- Bob: This is our Mark.
- Joy Scroggs: Our mark. Huh. The best part of being a detective is getting to use the lingo.
- Bob: Lingo? No, his name is Mark.
- Joy Scroggs: Ohhhh. So, Mark's our patsy.
- Bob: No, Patsy's the wife.
- Melanie Moretti: Sean still not returning your texts?
- Joy Scroggs: He and Bob turn their phones off when they're watching Downton... or playing Half-Life, or going to baseball games. Their bromance is ruining my romance.
- Elka Ostrovsky: Bros before hos, Joy.
- Melanie Moretti: Elka!
- Elka Ostrovsky: Did I say it wrong? They're the bros, she's the ho - no, that's right.
- [last lines]
- Victoria Chase: The hero kidney donor would like some breakfast.
- Melanie Moretti: Elka.
- Victoria Chase: I would like my initials in my cappuccino foam. And not the two letters you put in there yesterday.
- Joy Scroggs: I say we poison her.
- Elka Ostrovsky: She's only got the one kidney. It wouldn't take much.