- Homer Simpson: [his letter to Eduardo] Buenos días, Eduardo. Can you write back and tell me what that means?
- Lisa Simpson: I'm going to tell.
- Bart Simpson: No, you're not, because that would mean your system has failed.
- Lisa Simpson: You found a loophole! Why don't you ever apply yourself like this in your work?
- Bart Simpson: Because then I'd be the one thing I swore I'd never be: you.
- Homer Simpson: Do you have a disrespectful son who calls you by your first name?
- Eduardo: I cannot conceive of such a thing.
- Bart Simpson: Hey, Homer. Did you just fart?
- Homer Simpson: Did you just fart, sir!
- Bart Simpson: Whatever.
- Principal Skinner: They're doing it! They're self-grading.
- Superintendent Chalmers: Can't you ever say anything without sounding weird?
- Principal Skinner: The answer, sadly, is not yes.
- Homer: Back in fifth grade, you either had to write to a foreigner or a prisoner. I picked a foreigner because the prisoners wrote back too fast.
- [Kent Brockman enters Skinner's office accusing him of running a cheating school]
- Principal Skinner: [embarrassed] Myra, don't I have another appointment?
- Myra: This is your first appointment ever.
- Homer Simpson: Eduardo, I haven't felt this good in years. You're like the Tooth Fairy. Except you don't collect human bones.
- Eduardo: [nervously] Yes, yes. Of course I don't.
- Kent Brockman: This school is more corrupt than the ltalian parliament. If these children are our future, then I, for one, do not want to live.
- Principal Skinner: Lisa, I'm afraid you've gotten all the extra credit we can give out. So Willie has been growing you a nice pumpkin.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Here it is, lass.
- [knife in hand]
- Groundskeeper Willie: You want me to carve it into a Jack-O'-Lantern?
- Lisa: No, this is good.
- [Lisa and Principal Skinner step away]
- Groundskeeper Willie: [minaciously] Well, this knife's got to carve something...