- Jeff Winger: I know it's probably impossible to read my texts without them sounding sarcastic, but I assure you, this one is as earnest as they come. Congratulations on an awesome dance. You Britta'd the hell out of this thing.
- Jeff Winger: You're really doing this? Look, as someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years, I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but just admit you were wrong.
- Britta Perry: So you can say I "Britta'd" it?
- Jeff Winger: Yes, of course. That goes without saying. But come on, it was a small mistake. Call this off before it becomes a full-scale "Brittastrophe." I coined that.
- Annie Edison: So, Abed, I was thinking about what you said about showing growth, and I was thinking maybe one way to do that is to meet new people and...
- Abed Nadir: Where's this going?
- Annie Edison: Can I set you up with a date for the Sadie Hawkins Day dance?
- Abed Nadir: A blind date. I've always thought of myself as more of an acquired taste... but... okay.
- Shirley Bennett: Ooh, if you're open to meeting someone, there's a number of eligible young ladies in my church.
- Annie Edison: Shirley! I'm already finding a date for Abed. I asked first.
- Shirley Bennett: There's no reason we can't both help Abed find someone. Why don't we each pick a girl and then let Abed decide, instead of making it a competition?
- Abed Nadir: That's exactly a competition.
- Abed Nadir: Placating students with a fun event. Classic bread and circuses. In Ancient Rome, the emperor would distract the populace from their problems by allocating money for free bread and circuses. I've been making a conscious effort to get away from filtering everything through TV. I figured it's time I showed some growth. It's been three and a half seasons... Is what the old me would have said.
- Annie Edison, Shirley Bennett: Aww.
- Troy Barnes: You want to help me with Britta's dance? Could be a chance for classic Troy and Abed hijinks.
- Abed Nadir: In the interest of growth I'm trying to avoid hijinks, as well as capers, romps, and exploits. Escapades are a gray area.
- Britta Perry: Everyone's gonna know I'm a liar. Help me.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh, Britta. Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine that everyone called a liar. His name was Bernie Madoff.
- Britta Perry: Pierce! He was a liar. He stole billions of dollars from his clients.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Has this been confirmed?
- Britta Perry: Oh, my God. I "Britta'd" it.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Bernie?
- Ben Chang: So I got a request for, "You suck at this. Get off the stage." Okay, I don't know if that's the band or the song.
- Dean Pelton: Ah, quite a turnout, Britta.
- Britta Perry: Yep. Didn't know Sophie B. Hawkins was so big at Greendale.
- Dean Pelton: Oh, yeah. A large percentage of Greendale students sort of gave up in the mid '90s, so for many of them Sophie B. Hawkins is the most recent music they're aware of.
- Ben Chang: Tonight's Sadie Hawkins dance is brought to you by Hawthorne Wipes. For the little lady who knows her place in the kitchen. And tonight's Sophie B. Hawkins dance is brought to you by Hawthorne Wipes. Perfect for cleaning the dashboard of your '92 Subaru.
- Ben Chang: Guys, check out my friend Britta's Sophie B. Hawkins dance. I'll be spinning the hits from yesterday and today, which are basically the same to me since I have Changnesia.
- Abed Nadir: That guy's like teflon. No matter how much awful stuff he does, he keeps getting another chance.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, he's like the Colin Farrell of people.
- Annie Edison: [both smug] Oh, hi, Shirley.
- Shirley Bennett: Hello, Annie. Abed seems to be having a good time, which is all that matters.
- Annie Edison: You're right. Looks like he made the right choice.
- Shirley Bennett: He certainly did.
- Annie Edison: So, we agree. The best woman won.
- Shirley Bennett: She certainly did.
- [both realizing]
- Shirley Bennett: He's on two dates, isn't he?
- Annie Edison: He certainly is.
- Troy Barnes: At the risk of discovering I'm living two parallel lives like that guy in "Awake", don't you already have a date to the dance?
- Abed Nadir: Yep. Now I have two, which means I can do the classic two dates in one night sitcom trope. I'll get to wear two outfits. Mix up their names. Maybe hide under a table.
- Troy Barnes: What about growth?
- Abed Nadir: I tried to go in a more grounded direction, but I still ended up in a comically implausible situation. It's like Shirley said, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for hijinks. I can't pass it up.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I need the computer.
- Britta Perry: Pierce, there are, like, dozens of computers.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yeah, but my email is on this one.
- Abed Nadir: Are you reading the Bible?
- Rachel: No spoilers. I'm really hoping that things turn around for this Job guy.