To date I've found myself watching only a single film directed by David DeCoteau. It will be the last of his films that I watch, because it was almost certainly the worst thing I've ever seen, to the point that I refuse to even speak its name. I mention this because 'Baby cat' and filmmaker Scott Hillman operate on a level that's pretty much exactly on par with that unnameable DeCoteau production, different only for the ways in which it stumbles. The premise leaves the door wide open for any number of possibilities, and it sounds like it could be fun. But it's not. It's not fun. The most that this was able to achieve in ninety minutes was a single half-smile. This is simply not good, and I can't imagine ever recommending it.
If one were feeling generous to an unparalleled degree, one might suppose that this movie, as it presents, is one big joke, an exercise in bending all possible skill and intelligence toward making the worst thing that one can. I've seen such a picture before; James Bickert's 'Amazon hot box' reflects an effort to make total schlock, and it is a success in that regard, though since it's not actually enjoyable the whole affair is called into question. However, this 2023 feature illustrates incompetence and an absolute lack of capability, in so many ways, that assuming any greater measure of cleverness from Hillman is akin to expecting the Earth's rotation will suddenly reverse. In fairness, there are ideas in the writing that come close to being amusing, had any care been taken to genuinely develop the screenplay. Two of the actors - exactly and only two, Fawn Winters and Socks Whitmore - illustrate real skill at this point in their careers (though misused here); the rest, well, I earnestly wish them luck in their future endeavors, and growth in their abilities. These are the only points of "praise" that I have to offer for 'Baby cat.'
With the fleeting exceptions of only a scattered handful of lines, the dialogue is probably the worst I've ever heard; some of the scene writing is acceptable in concept, but falls flat for how little active energy was poured into the endeavor. There are workable ideas in the narrative, but they were treated astonishingly poorly, and the connections between story threads are all but absent - not strings tied together, but at best strings loosely laid on top of one another. Most of the writing is barely sensible on a baseline level - and this is to say nothing of what comes across as abject transphobia (made all the more perplexing since Hillman also specifically wrote in a trans character that is no more than a secondary supporting figure, not meaningfully attached to the plot), and other lines and notions that would seem to be mocking liberated, progressive values. Any attempted humor is far too random and detached to carry the wit that would allow it to land, so there's not a single laugh forthcoming. Both the cinematography and the editing, of sound and image alike, are without question the sloppiest examples of either that I've ever seen. The latter disadvantages extend as well to the effusive use of a green screen, employed to a flummoxing extent even for the most mundane of interior or exterior locales (including any visualization of the world outside when the protagonist opens her door), and which is further used to project stock footage in the background of a scene. I can appreciate that Hillman was obviously working with meager resources, but there's "low-budget," and then there's "not even trying." Hillman was not even trying.
With the exception (in my opinion) of Winters and Whitmore, the acting is some of the most unprofessional and unconvincing I've ever witnessed; The Asylum has nothing on this. Hillman's direction is flailing, and the fundamental delivery of dialogue and execution of scenes is often all but lackadaisical. And then there's the central conceit. Before watching I tried to mentally prepare myself for every contingency of what 'Baby cat' might portend: lesbian representation, human-animal companionship, riffs on bestiality, furries, maybe something else entirely or some combination thereof. What I think the filmmaker was actually trying to do was weave together the "catgirl" trope, particularly common in Japanese media, and lesbian rep, with an outrageous B-plot appended. What's most baffling of all is that I can't tell if this storytelling effort was sincere - where the protagonist and the cat are centered, it seems so - or underhandedly mocking and derisive, as suggested by those overt moments that come off as sardonic, thinly-veiled reactionary spitefulness. Whatever Hillman's intent was, I'm not sure if it matters, since as both writer and director his skills are so amateurish and inept that the end result completely flounders.
I'm at a loss for words. I could continue, but first I would need to spend a considerable amount of time gathering my senses after they were obliterated by so gawky and hapless a film. Whatever sliver of a fragment of a kernel of subjective value this might all so rarely claim is overwhelmed by what is otherwise a demonstration of what are possibly the least skills that anyone has ever dared to demonstrate in a film-making capacity and thereafter propagate for mass consumption. I don't know if I should feel bad for those involved or despise them. I will watch almost anything, anything at all, no matter what the genre or what the anticipated level of quality, and nevertheless I have substantial regrets about wasting time on this. Whatever it is you think you'll get by watching 'Baby cat,' I implore you to look elsewhere. I hope that everyone who participated in this will some day get another chance to shine and show that they've moved on from this profound low, and that might be just about the most kind thing I can say.
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