Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It (2013)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Jake Harper : I've been, uh, thinkin' about names for when Tammy and I have our first kid... If it's a boy, what do you think about Walden Harper?

  Alan Harper : I like it.

  Walden Schmidt : No!

  Jake Harper : Fine. Then I guess it's down to either Alan, or Xiang Xiao.

  Alan Harper : Xiang Xiao?

  Jake Harper : Yeah. I've gotta be ready, Dad. They say one out of every three babies born is Chinese.

• Alan Harper : I'm nervous about meeting Jake's girlfriend. I mean, he's obsessed with this woman. It's like he's been brainwashed by some cult.

  Walden Schmidt : [at first not really listening carefully]  What guy hasn't... I'm sorry, you said 'cult'. Ahhh.

• Alan Harper : [talking with Tammy, Jake's 36-year-old girlfriend]  I don't understand why you're with Jake.

  Tammy : I'm with him because I care about him. I mean, he's sweet and kind and funny... and I don't know when the last time you had sex with a 19-year-old boy was, but it is a *lot* of fun. And then, eight minutes later, it's a *lot* of fun again.

  Alan Harper : Umm, I'll - I'll - I'll take your word for it.

• Alan Harper : Jake, this gnocchi is amazing.

  Jake Harper : Yeah. I like to make it 'cause it sounds like 'nookie'. Get it?

  Alan Harper : I do.

  Jake Harper : Not as much as I do!

  [he high-fives his girlfriend, Tammy]