Family Guy (TV Series)

Chris Cross (2013)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stewie Griffin : [after listening to some Anne Murray music]  What a woman. And to think Canada has got her and we have Kelly Clarkson going to town in a Waffle House.

• Stewie Griffin : Hey, you know, that was really cool how you told us what "Snowbird" was about.

  Anne Murray : Well, you know, that's just the way I always interpreted the song. But I suppose Gene probably could have explained it better than I.

  Stewie Griffin : Who's Gene?

  Anne Murray : Gene MacLellan. He wrote the song.

  Stewie Griffin : I see. But you wrote all your other songs, right?

  Anne Murray : No, all of my songs were written by other people. As a singer, I've been blessed to interpret the works of many gifted, sensitive songwriters.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh. So you're just a big fucking liar?

  [she gets up] 

  Stewie Griffin : Sit back down.

  Brian Griffin : [returning from the bathroom]  All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home...

  [seeing him tying Anne up] 

  Brian Griffin : Stewie, what the hell are you doing?

  Stewie Griffin : She's a fraud, Brian. A fraud! She didn't write any of her songs.

  Brian Griffin : Well, so, that's the case with a lot of singers. It's a very common industry practice.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, then, you're all a bunch of frauds, aren't you? A bunch of frauds and charlatans.

  [taking out a gun] 

  Stewie Griffin : You want to be a puppet? Then sing for your life, puppet. Come on. "Spread your tiny wings and fly away!"

  [her singing is muffled by her gag] 

  Stewie Griffin : Come on, Anne, sing along. You know it. You didn't write it, but you know it, bitch.

• Brian Griffin : What the hell is all this?

  Stewie Griffin : This is history, Brian. A key moment in the history of happiness. Have a seat.

  [sighing, he joins Stewie's other stuffed animals; on a stage, as Stewie sings "You Needed Me", Brian recalls memories of himself as a puppy, which brings tears to his eyes] 

  Stewie Griffin : [finishing]  Some hardcore shit, right?

  Brian Griffin : Wow. Thank you for turning me on to something so amazing.

  Stewie Griffin : Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it.

  [indicating an empty seat] 

  Stewie Griffin : And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up.

  Buzz Lightyear : [cut to him hitting on two women at a bar]  Hey, how'd you like to go to my apartment... and beyond?

• Stewie Griffin : [at Anne Murray's house]  Are you whistling "Snowbird"?

  Brian Griffin : Yeah.

  Stewie Griffin : That's awesome.

  Brian Griffin : [Stewie moves to ring the doorbell]  Whoa, whoa, whoa, why do you get to ring it?

  Stewie Griffin : Because I was into her first.

  Brian Griffin : Well, let's flip for it, or...

  [Stewie rings the doorbell] 

  Brian Griffin : I can't believe you did that. I cannot believe you just did that.

  Stewie Griffin : [Brian rings it again]  Will you stop it? She's gonna think we're weird.

• Brian Griffin : What the hell? Are you listening to Anne Murray?

  Stewie Griffin : Uh, I am *experiencing* Anne Murray.

  Brian Griffin : Why? That music is complete crap.

  Stewie Griffin : Um, excuse me?

  Brian Griffin : It's all just vapid, overproduced tripe. It has no edge whatsoever.

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah, neither does a soft summer breeze or a letter from an old friend.

  Brian Griffin : I'm pretty sure envelopes have edges.

  Stewie Griffin : Fine, an e-mail. Dick.

• Brian Griffin : So, Miss Murray, the reason we came is that we have a question about "Snowbird."

  Stewie Griffin : It's about a relationship, right?

  Brian Griffin : No, no, it's obviously about the fear of growing old.

  Anne Murray : You know, I think you're both kind of right. I guess I always thought it was about human limitation, both mental and physical.

  Stewie Griffin : Okay, that... that just blew my face off.

  Anne Murray : Well, I hope that helps.

  Brian Griffin : It does. Thank you so much, Miss Murray. This has been terrific. Hey, uh, before we go, do you mind if I use your restroom? It was a long drive up here.

  Anne Murray : No, go right ahead.

  Stewie Griffin : [as Brian leaves]  We should do something without him sometime. Do you like tapas? Someone invited me out for that once. I thought they said topless, so I was like

  [high-pitched] 

  Stewie Griffin : "What?"

  Anne Murray : That's a good story.

• Brian Griffin : You know, this is definitely a mystery song for me. It's so upbeat, but the lyrics are so dark.

  Stewie Griffin : I'm-I'm sorry, are we both listening to "Snowbird" as recorded by miss Ann Murray?

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, the woman in the song is trying to cope with getting older and she feels trapped because she knows she can't do anything about it.

  Stewie Griffin : No, no, no, no. I mean, you're right that she's feeling trapped, but the message is positive. It's about being trapped in a bad relationship and having the guts to get out of it.

  Brian Griffin : No, no. See, what I hear is that the woman is starting to hate life. You know the line "Now I feel such emptiness within"?

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah, I know the song.

  Brian Griffin : Well, Anne Murray feels old. And then to make things worse, the snowbird comes around every year bringing the snow, or "death", to remind her that no matter what she does, her fate's already written.

  Stewie Griffin : Brian, the snowbird has nothing to do with time or fate.

  Brian Griffin : Well, I disagree.

  Stewie Griffin : Look, there's only one way to settle this. Only the artist knows the true meaning of their art.

• Chris Griffin : Mom, Dad, I need to get new sneakers.

  Lois Griffin : What? I just bought you new sneakers.

  Chris Griffin : I know, but I need cooler ones.

  Peter Griffin : Shut up and stop complaining. When I was your age, I didn't even have sneakers. We wore stale hamburger buns.

  Lois Griffin : No, you didn't, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Shh, he doesn't know that. He's just a dumb, fat loser. Did you see his shoes?

  Lois Griffin : Look, Chris, I'm sorry, but money's tight right now.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, I even had to take a second job as a door-to-door vacuum salesman.

  [cut to him in a potential customer's house] 

  Peter Griffin : This thing can pick up anything. Here's a little demonstration. I'll pour a little wine, rub in some feces, and to top it off, some mustard mixed with feces. Tough stain, right? Oh, crap, I forgot the vacuum.

• Lois Griffin : That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie?

  Stewie Griffin : That kid was Indian and 11 years old. Where are you finding my friends?

  Lois Griffin : Oh, someone's a little cranky. Here, let me put on the radio.

  Stewie Griffin : [a rap song plays]  Yech, this is awful.

  [switching stations] 

  Stewie Griffin : My God, who is this enchantress?

  Lois Griffin : Oh, isn't that cute? My little Stewie likes Anne Murray.

  Stewie Griffin : She sounds like an angel. It's like her voice is putting my entire body in her mouth.

  Lois Griffin : [he daydreams as the song continues, then ends]  You like that, Stewie? You like Anne Murray's music?

  Stewie Griffin : Do I? I've never known such happiness. This must be what it's like for you when you're buying potatoes or scraping your heels or smushing on makeup for a sad night out.

• Lois Griffin : Oh, hi, Meg. Could you tell Chris breakfast is ready?

  Meg Griffin : [covering up that he ran away]  Oh, um, I-I-I think he got up early. He, um, said something about a fat kid rally at Little Caesars.

  Lois Griffin : Huh, it's not like Chris to miss breakfast.

  Meg Griffin : Oh, don't worry, Mom. I... I'm sure he'll be home later.

  Peter Griffin : Well, I hope so. We were supposed to go to the library to wipe boogers in fancy books. I like to wipe mine in Bronte novels. It's like a time bomb to gross out lonely chicks.

• Anne Murray : Hi, can I help you?

  Brian Griffin : Hi, Miss Murray, my name's Brian Griffin. Uh, first of all, I just wanna tell you what a huge fan I am.

  Anne Murray : Aw, that's very sweet of you.

  Stewie Griffin : And I'm Stewie. I'm the one who sent you the vibrators.

  Anne Murray : Well, I'm glad you enjoy my music. Would you like to come in?

  Stewie Griffin : We'd love to.

  [she lets them in] 

  Stewie Griffin : Wow, nothing says success like free on a Tuesday at 3:00 p.m. I'll get there.

• Chris Griffin : [wanting new sneakers, he looks for money in Peter's wallet]  Oh, come on, Dad, there's no cash in here. Just a bunch of cards that say "I farted on your car" with his insurance info.

  Meg Griffin : [spotting him take money from Lois' purse]  Busted.

  Chris Griffin : Jeez, it's so weird that Mom and Dad would leave the house without their purse and wallet. I wonder where they are?

  Peter Griffin : [cut to them out on a date]  Could you excuse me?

  [going to a payphone, he calls Mike Damone from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"] 

  Mike Damone : Hello?

  Peter Griffin : Damone, it's Peter. I'm at my date and I left my wallet at home. Will you please borrow your mom's car, drive to my house, get my wallet, and bring it back here?

  [getting no answer] 

  Peter Griffin : Damone, are you there? Damone?

  Mike Damone : Yeesh, I'm really kind of busy.

  Peter Griffin : Come on, just do me this one favor.

  Mike Damone : All right, but you owe me for this one.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, thanks, Damone.

  [hanging up and breaking the fourth wall] 

  Peter Griffin : And that was the last we ever saw of him.