The Last Straight Man (2014)

Mark Cirillo: Lewis

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lewis : What's something else you've done that's sexually crazy?

  Cooper : The dog licked my balls once. Does that count?

  Lewis : Ewww! No! Why did you let the dog lick your balls?

  Cooper : Well, I didn't LET him, he caught me by surprise.

  Lewis : What were you doing so the dog could... Never mind.

• Lewis : Okay, let's hear it.

  Cooper : Hear what?

  Lewis : "I'm not gay, I like women, I was just" dot-dot-dot. Choose from the following. A: Curious. B: Drunk. C: Horny. Followed up by: "And there was a willing mouth in the room, so..."

• Lewis : You can't expect me to throw wood when your pregnant wife is calling wondering where you are.

  Cooper : She's not here, Lewis. You are, and I am. Us! One day a year. Let's just hit the pause button on our lives, just turn the lights off on the world. For one day. We have one day to grind and sweat and moan and not care about anything.

• Cooper : She's not my other half. She doesn't complete me.

  Lewis : Complete you? Has the Lifetime channel gone Clockwork Orange on your ass?

• Lewis : You sure do make a lot of dramatic exits for a straight guy.

• Cooper : You got your Freud in my Dr. Ruth.

  Lewis : You got your Dr. Ruth in my Freud.

• Lewis : This scene is too sappy for a book. It's better suited for a drippy, melodramatic play or some dopey independent film.

• Lewis : To Cooper. May your hair never fall, your dick always rise, and your kids never call your brother-in-law daddy.

• Lewis : I don't like feet. Feet are suspicious. They never look you in the eye.

• [Best friends Lewis and Cooper had sex] 

  Cooper : Lewis, it was fun and I'm glad that it was with you, but once is enough.

  Lewis : You can't stop at just one. Think of me as your personal bag of potato chips.

  Cooper : You both make my fingers greasy?

• Lewis : Hey, all new fathers get nervous.

  Cooper : What if I sit on him?

  Lewis : Why would you sit on him?

  Cooper : Well, not intentionally!

• Lewis : I had a very handsome younger brother. When we were kids, people would look at him and say, "You are so cute!" And then they'd look at me and say, "Uh, he must be the smart one."

  Cooper : Hey, we can't all be Farrahs. Somebody's gotta be Kate Jackson.

• Lewis : Coop, what do you tell your wife?

  Cooper : What do you mean?

  Lewis : Well, every year for the past four years we've met in this same hotel room. It's the day before your anniversary. What does she think?

  Cooper : I tell her one of my buddies is sick and in the hospital, I have to go see him. So far, four of my closest imaginary friends have died.

  Lewis : Belinda doesn't strike me as being stupid.

  Cooper : She's not. She's just... trusting.