- Penny: Hey guys. I don't mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you'd like to see what you're missing out on. So, Bernadette.
- [Bernadette sashay's into the room]
- Penny: Bernadette's wearing leopard print pumps and a raptastic red dress from Forever 21.
- [Bernadette exits and Amy strides in]
- Penny: And there's Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I'm assuming is from Forever 63.
- [Penny removes her coat]
- Penny: And I myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.
- Sheldon Cooper: I know they're making a rhetorical point; I just don't know what it is.
- Raj Koothrappali: [playing Dungeons & Dragons] Oh, man, the first monster I see, I'm gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand, and shoot my magic all over his ass.
- Stuart: [embarrassed silence from the room] Do you hear yourself when you say these things?
- [first lines]
- Penny: [reading directions] OK now, holding sides of hearth in position, lower mantelpiece assembly onto top tabs.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I consider I built a fireplace with my own two hands.
- Penny: You're so butch.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I got a little paper cut.
- Penny: Of course you did; your hands are softer than veal.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, uh, before I forget: Saturday I'm planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
- Penny: Really! That's how you're going to spend your Saturday night?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play any more.
- Penny: Oh you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
- Leonard Hofstadter: A little bit, yeah.
- Santa: [Santa is standing by a cannon that is pointed at Sheldon] Ho, ho ho, ya big *dork*!
- [fires the cannon]
- Raj Koothrappali: [after his D&D character is killed] Doesn't anyone have a Rod of Resurrection? Because if you've got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me!
- Stuart: [another embarrassed silence] Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.
- Penny: See you, boys, we're going drinking.
- Raj Koothrappali: Wait, can I come with you? My character died.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sorry, Raj, it's girls' night out.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe another time.
- [Penny, Bernadette, and Amy leave]
- Leonard Hofstadter: [continuing the game] Okay.
- Penny: [sticking her head back into the apartment] Come on.
- Raj Koothrappali: [leaping off the couch] Girls' night! Girls' night! Woo! Woo!
- [the apartment door closes behind Penny and Raj]
- Stuart: How does he not hear that?
- Stuart: What's wrong with Christmas?
- Sheldon Cooper: [wearily] Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors, overuse of the words "'tis" and "'twas". And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?
- Howard Wolowitz: Pirate with a peg leg?
- Sheldon Cooper: Actually, that helps. Thank you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today's not your day. I'm leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key and I toss it into the chasm. And on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa's dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.
- [the girls are proposing they find a girl for Raj]
- Raj Koothrappali: A couple of things: Don't tell them I come from money; I want them to love me for me. They must be *insanely* hot, like nines or tens.
- Penny: Nines or tens?
- Raj Koothrappali: OK, an eight is acceptable if she's willing to bring another eight to the hottub.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Bottom line, you'll take any woman who'll have you, right?
- Raj Koothrappali: In a New Delhi minute.
- Stuart: I don't remember you buying these miniatures in my store.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, uhl, yeah, I got 'em on Amazon.
- Stuart: Sure, I get it. Why support a friend when you can support a multinational conglomerate that is crushing the life out of that friend?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I know, but when I shop online I can do it on the toilet.
- Stuart: Have you seen my store? The whole place is a toilet.
- Sheldon Cooper: Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslaus from the Christmas carol.
- Howard Wolowitz: Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy.
- Raj Koothrappali: In seventh grade, I played spin-the-bottle and it landed on Alina Shankar. She said if I came near her, she would break the bottle and cut me.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You think that's bad? In college, I passed out at a frat party and woke up with more clothes on.
- Raj Koothrappali: Sometimes I get so lonely I sit on my left hand until it goes numb, then I put it in my right hand and pretend I'm holding hands with another person.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I do that too. Sometimes the left hand tries to cop a feel. And I let it.
- Raj Koothrappali: It's kind of nice to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to be alone.
- Sheldon Cooper: I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat, by making a gesture that says: "Get a load of this guy."
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm always attracted to women I can't have; I do it all the time. I did the same thing with the two of you.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: The two of them? I don't understand.
- Raj Koothrappali: Well, uh, there was a time when I had a thing for Penny, and I thought she was into me too because she got drunk and naked and climbed into bed with me, but apparently I misread those signals.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: And you like Bernadette also?
- Raj Koothrappali: Uh, that was before Penny. I make it a rule to only fall for one of my friends' girlfriends at a time. I'm very old-fashioned that way.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me, too.
- Raj Koothrappali: No, not really.
- Penny: Oh, come on, Raj, not even a little bit?
- Raj Koothrappali: Not that I can think of.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Think harder.
- Raj Koothrappali: Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn't, I mean, at all. What?
- Stuart: I gotta tell you, this is the most holiday fun I've had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm used to being the girl who never gets looked at twice. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 22. The guy only did it so I'd give him back his insulin.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sometimes the pancreas wants what the pancreas wants.
- Sheldon Cooper: [reading instructions] "Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres." That's a saucy twist! "That leader's name: Santa Claus." No, no, no!..
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's actually "ho, ho, ho", but you'll get the hang of it. Thought it'd be fun to make a holiday-themed quest.
- Sheldon Cooper: Mixing Dungeons & Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly.
- Sheldon Cooper: Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year round. I've been known to enjoy this poolside.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories and the carols, you've got an eggnog mustache going on there. Just admit it, you're getting a little yuletide spirit.
- Sheldon Cooper: Don't be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he'd been there because the paper would be graded.
- Sheldon Cooper: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It wasn't amazing. Got a C-minus four years in a row.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.