- Malcolm Tucker: You know Jackie fucking Chan about me. You know fuck all about me! I am totally beyond the realms of your fuckin' tousle-haired fuckin' dim-witted compre-fucking-hension. I don't just take this fucking job home, you know! I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fuckin' fucks me from arsehole to breakfast! Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of piss slammed in my face, slaps me about the chops to make sure I'm awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body. "Malcolm!", it's gone, you can't know Malcolm because Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk, I am a fucking host for this fucking job. Do you want this job? Yes? You do fucking want this job? Then you're gonna have to swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do.
- Stewart Pearson: I've spent ten years detoxifying this party. It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of cunts.
- Malcolm Tucker: I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high. What you're gonna see is a master class in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes!", they'll say. No friends - no *real* friends. No children, no glory, no memoirs. Well, fuck them.
- Malcolm Tucker: [Malcolm is trying to find the back door on a police station, to avoid the press. He and his lawyer got lost and ended up in a room full of garbage]
- Malcolm Tucker: This is literally rubbish!
- Glenn Cullen: Right! Everybody listen; I've got an announcement to make.
- Phil Smith: What is it? You've got an erection?
- Glenn Cullen: No! I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning.
- Phil Smith: Is that it?
- Glenn Cullen: No, you closeted Regency homosexual, that is not it! Morally, this department is in the gutter.
- Fergus Williams: Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but...
- Glenn Cullen: [grabs a lamp and rushes towards Fergus] You stay and take the punishment! I will lamp you... with a lamp.
- Terri Coverley: Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
- Glenn Cullen: You, Fergus... when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed, born-to-rule ponyfuckers.
- Adam Kenyon: If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this Peter Finch bullshit.
- Glenn Cullen: Oh, Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no, I remember... it's your turn right now.
- Adam Kenyon: Brilliant. Brilliant...
- Glenn Cullen: You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. You were so well suited at the Mail it's a shame you came over here. You know what? I hate you both; Tweedle-Twat and Tweedle-Prick. You contribute absolutely nothing to the world so thank fucking God you have no power!
- Fergus Williams: We do, actually...
- Glenn Cullen: No you don't! And Peter... it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight year old trapped in a twelve year olds body.
- Phil Smith: This is great! Why is no one filming this?
- Glenn Cullen: And Emma...
- Phil Smith: Yeah yeah yeah, do Emma, do Emma.
- Glenn Cullen: Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard issue insipid posh bitch... that's it! Terry... I don't think I've ever met someone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, because I have managed to stay in shape purely through the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
- Terri Coverley: Glen, you're just embarrassing yourself.
- Glenn Cullen: Fuck you all up the wrongin! Ta ta! Bubye!
- Phil Smith: That was better than IMAX Inception.
- Terri Coverley: Poor, poor Glenn...
- Peter Mannion: Should we try and get him back?
- Emma Messinger: Fuck no! He's gone completely mental.
- Oliver Reeder: Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
- Malcolm Tucker: Nobody says that.
- [pauses]
- Malcolm Tucker: Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen... says that.
- Malcolm Tucker: I knew Malcolm F Tucker, sir. And you are not Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me, you? Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed-out, weeping alcoholic with no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
- Oliver Reeder: And so on and so on, it doesn't have to be like that now, Malcolm, politics has actually changed.
- Malcolm Tucker: Oh?
- Oliver Reeder: Right. Yeah, yeah. And you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years Waa-waa-waa-waa-waa! And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all a bit algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.