Modern Family (TV Series)

When a Tree Falls (2012)

Ed O'Neill: Jay Pritchett

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jay Pritchett : Gloria needs watching. She's got a serious case of pregnancy brain. Last week, I found a bar of soap in the fridge and a stick of butter in the shower. I walked around all day smelling like a bucket of popcorn.

  Manny Delgado : Better than the toast I ate.

  Jay Pritchett : Yet you ate the second piece.

• Jay Pritchett : And for God's sake, change out of those wingtips. You're a kid, you're not Nixon on the beach.

  Manny Delgado : Fine. I'll put on my sporty shoes. Where are they?

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : They're still in the box. And don't forget to take out the paper before you put them on, okay?

  Jay Pritchett : And they're called sneakers!

• Jay Pritchett : I wasn't worried. I boxed in the navy. And besides, it was Phil. I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather box my daughter's husband than my son's.

• Phil Dunphy : Sorry about that. I went a little nuts there. I don't know what happened.

  Jay Pritchett : I do. I was ragging on you in front of your friends.

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, yeah.

  Jay Pritchett : Sorry about that. I couldn't think of anything else to say.

  Phil Dunphy : Why not?

  Jay Pritchett : I got 20, 25 years on those guys. We got nothing in common. It's only gonna get worse. I mean, what's it gonna be like with the new kid in ten years?

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, my goodness. You're insecure and vulnerable. This is the cutest thing I've ever seen.

  Jay Pritchett : Shut up.

  Phil Dunphy : Who's a shy bunny?

  Jay Pritchett : You wanna go one more round, without the gloves?

  Phil Dunphy : I'm just playing around, Jay. I don't care how old you are. I could sit and talk to you all day. Those guys really liked you, too.

  Jay Pritchett : I don't care about that. Did they? Even Jerry?

  Phil Dunphy : Yes.

  Jay Pritchett : Well, maybe you're right. I mean, Manny didn't wanna come, and look at him. Looks like he's having a great time.

  Manny Delgado : [entertaining a group of kids nearby]  So then Luke's dad grabs the taser from me, and he was like...

  [imitating Phil getting tased] 

  Phil Dunphy : No. No! That's not how it happened.

• Phil Dunphy : Hey, guys, this is Jay, my father-in-law. Manny's stepdad.

  Bill : Hey, what's up, Jay-Lo?

  Jay Pritchett : Okay, guys, I'll see you later.

  Manny Delgado : What's the matter, Jay? Afraid to step outside your comfort zone?

  Jay Pritchett : I will send you back to Mexico.

• Cameron Tucker : Listen, I called Jay about borrowing a drill for my dresser handles.

  Jay Pritchett : I got it right here, Cam. Oh, jeez. What's with the getup?

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ay, good. You see that, too?

  Jay Pritchett : [his bulldog Stella barks at Cam]  Stella, stop.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ay, shh, shh, shh, shh. Sorry, Cam.

  Cameron Tucker : Oh, no, don't be. I take it as a compliment.

  [he hisses like a cat and Stella runs away] 

  Cameron Tucker : "Cats", now and forever. Actually, just 'til next Thursday. It's been described as "transcendent."

• Jay Pritchett : So he's out in our yard and he's got a boombox; what's the name of that movie with the boombox?

  Jerry : Oh, "Say Anything."

  Jay Pritchett : Right, with John Mahoney. So anyway, he's out there, and he's begging Claire for forgiveness. She's still mad at him. She won't have any of it. So he turns it up full blast, and it's Olivia Newton-John.

  [laughter] 

  Jay Pritchett : And he starts singing, "Let's get Phil-sical!"

  Phil Dunphy : It was an inside joke.

  Jay Pritchett : Well, not anymore!

  Phil Dunphy : Okay, enough with the funny Phil stories.

  Jay Pritchett : No, but I haven't even gotten to the best part yet. So he's doing his little dance, and I can't take it anymore, so I nail him with the sprinklers!

  Phil Dunphy : Yep, and you also shorted out my boombox, which you said you'd replace and you never did.

  Jay Pritchett : I never said that!

  Phil Dunphy : Yes, you did. You still owe me one boombox, 12 "D" batteries, and an Olivia Newton-John cassingle.

  Jay Pritchett : Huh. Okay, uh... why don't we settle it in the ring? We get in there, and if you beat me, I'll buy you any boombox you want. If I beat you, then you've gotta do your little dance for everyone.

  Bill , Jerry : Yeah!

  Phil Dunphy : I'm in. Let's get Phil-sical.

• Phil Dunphy : Okay, hold still. And wait for it... this is what you'd look like fat and bald.

  Bill : On my phone, that app's called a camera.

  Phil Dunphy : Bill, don't do that to yourself. Let me tell you something. Ellen is one lucky woman.

  Jay Pritchett : [Phil's friends laugh]  Why is that funny?

  Phil Dunphy : Because she's married to Jerry.

  Jerry : Jay, you got any good apps?

  Jay Pritchett : I don't know. I got call waiting. Is that an app?

  [they laugh again] 

  Jay Pritchett : You guys laugh a lot, huh?

  Phil Dunphy : Jay's a little technologically challenged.

  Jay Pritchett : From a guy who can't drive a stick.

  Jerry : What?

  Bill : You can't?

  Phil Dunphy : Well...

  Jay Pritchett : He called me to rescue him one time. He got stuck on a hill. He was afraid to let go of the clutch. By the time I got there, traffic's backed up half a mile, everybody's yelling at him. He's in tears.

  Phil Dunphy : Not tears. Maybe sweat.

  Jay Pritchett : Yeah, sweatin' out your eyes.

• Claire Dunphy : Hey, Gloria. So, ready to go?

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Where?

  Claire Dunphy : Thought we were doing a Costco run.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [staring daggers at Jay]  Oh, I see what this is. You called Claire to babysit the stupid pregnant lady!

  Jay Pritchett : You're the one who called her.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I did?

• Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Manny, it's a beautiful day outside. Go on. Enjoy your Dougy-lympics.

  Jay Pritchett : You don't have to win a medal. Just have fun.

  Manny Delgado : Doug finishes with the most medals no matter what. Plus, I think he only invites me because he likes to match skin color to nation. I know that's why Alan Yan gets invited.

• Jay Pritchett : Manny, while we're young!

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : He doesn't want to go. That's why he's taking so long with the primping.

  Jay Pritchett : A boy his age should do exactly zero primping.

  [Manny comes downstairs] 

  Jay Pritchett : You ready?

  Manny Delgado : Not in the least.

  Jay Pritchett : [sarcastic]  That's the spirit.