Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Mr. Hose Says 'Yes' (2012)

Ashton Kutcher: Walden Schmidt

Quotes 

• Walden Schmidt : I just wanted to give you a heads-up that Zoey's gonna stay here for the week.

  Berta : [reading a magazine]  Uh, huh.

  Walden Schmidt : And she's bringin' her daughter.

  Berta : How old?

  Walden Schmidt : Seven.

  Berta : See ya in a week.

  [she gets up to leave] 

  Walden Schmidt : Come on, Berta, you'll love her. She's adorable.

  Berta : Maybe to her mother. And someone who's trying to get into her mother's pants.

  Walden Schmidt : A'right, look, it's not going to be any extra work for you. Whatever Zoey doesn't take care of, I'll handle.

  Berta : Really! You're gonna take care of a seven-year-old!

  Walden Schmidt : Yeah. We get along great. And besides, I gotta learn sometime. I mean, if Zoey and I get married, I'll be Ava's step-dad.

  Berta : Y'know, once upon a time, a cute little boy came to live in this house for a few days. Maybe you've met him. He's the pot-soaked, masturbating couch potato who eats all your cookies.

  Walden Schmidt : Is he the one who finished off my macaroons?

  Berta : Your macaroons and my pot.

• Walden Schmidt : [realizing that having a child around the house will be unbearable]  I told Zoey we were gonna be a family. What am I gonna do?

  Berta : The kid's seven?

  Walden Schmidt : Yeah.

  Berta : Wait nine years.

  Walden Schmidt : What happens in nine years?

  Berta : If you're lucky, she runs away with a coke-addled bass player.

  Walden Schmidt : And if I'm not lucky?

  Berta : A drummer.