- Mr. Spock: Dr. Cooper! Dr. Cooper!
- Sheldon Cooper: Is someone there?
- Mr. Spock: Down here, on your desk.
- Sheldon Cooper: Spock?
- Mr. Spock: I need to speak with you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Fascinating! The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.
- Mr. Spock: It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut.
- Sheldon Cooper: Was I hit on the head by a coconut?
- Mr. Spock: I'm not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand, you need to play with the transporter toy.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, but it's mint in box.
- Mr. Spock: Yes, and to open it would destroy its value. But remember like me, you also have a human-half.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, I'm not going to dignify *that* with a response!
- Mr. Spock: Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy?
- Sheldon Cooper: To be played with.
- Mr. Spock: Therefore, to not play with it would be...?
- Sheldon Cooper: Illogical. Oh, damn it, Spock, you're right! I'll do it!
- Mr. Spock: Sheldon, wait. You have to wake up first.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, of course. Set phasers to dumb, right?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Once you open the box, it loses its value.
- Penny: Yeah, yeah. My mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.
- Lakshmi: Fill in the blank: "I love the night life..."
- Raj Koothrappali: "I like to boogie."
- Lakshmi: Got you.
- Raj Koothrappali: With women! I like to boogie with women!
- Lakshmi: That's disappointing. You were exactly the kind of phoney-baloney husband I was looking for.
- Raj Koothrappali: Thank you. And once again, my baloney likes girls.
- Sheldon Cooper: Quantum physics makes me so happy.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah? I'm glad.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's like looking at the universe naked.
- Penny: Tada!
- Sheldon Cooper: A vintage, mint in box 1975 Mego Star Trek Transporter, with real transporter action. Hotdarn!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Where did you get that?
- Penny: That's from Stuart at the comic book store.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You went to the comic book store by yourself?
- Penny: Yeah! It was fun. I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good.
- Sheldon Cooper: This calls for an expression of gratitude.
- Penny: Ooh, am I about to get a rare, Sheldon Cooper hug?
- Sheldon Cooper: No, not this time, then they wouldn't be special.
- [makes a finger-gun gesture]
- Sheldon Cooper: Thanks, Penny!
- Penny: You're welcome. Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. Leonard, I got you... a label maker!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Ahh... No, it's great. Also... it's mint in box.
- Penny: And... I got you a transporter too!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Awesome!
- Raj Koothrappali: All right, uh, fine. I'm coming and I'm bringing somebody. Koothrappali plus one.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Who are you bringing?
- Raj Koothrappali: [Defensively] Who are *you* bringing?
- Penny: He's bringing me. And who are you bringing?
- Raj Koothrappali: Wow, what a bunch of nosy O'Donnells!
- Sheldon Cooper: Howard, are you having a make-your-own-sundae bar?
- Howard Wolowitz: I don't think so.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, you should. 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make-your-own-sundae bars end in happiness.
- Mr. Spock: Well, I am unhappy.
- Sheldon Cooper: I thought where you come from they don't have emotions.
- Mr. Spock: I come from a factory in Taiwan.
- Sheldon Cooper: It was me. I opened your toy... discovered it was broken, and didn't tell you.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why would you open mine?
- Sheldon Cooper: I didn't, that was a lie. I opened my own toy... and it was already broken, so I switched them.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you should talk to Stuart.
- Sheldon Cooper: I can't because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake and that's a lie.
- Penny: What is the truth?
- Sheldon Cooper: My Mr. Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it, and when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, that I believe.
- Sheldon Cooper: And, Leonard, even though I don't have one anymore, I hope you have fun playing with it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: And that's a lie, right?
- Sheldon Cooper: A big fat whopper. I hope it breaks.
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm not *gay*! If anything, I'm metrosexual.
- Dr. Koothrappali: What's that?
- Raj Koothrappali: It means I like women as well as their skin-care products.
- Lakshmi: Well, there's a rumor back in New Delhi that you're, how shall we say, comfortable in a sari.
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm not gay!
- Lakshmi: Really? The chocolate lava cakes? The little soaps in the bathroom? And I'm sorry, but you're wearing more perfume than I am.
- Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps you should look with your *eyes* and, and not your muscular Nebraskan man hands.
- [first lines]
- Penny: Oh my God, I love this chicken!
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, you know what they say, 'Best things in life are free'.
- Penny: Okay, you're right, I eat your food a lot. Now, how 'bout this: you can raid my fridge any time you want.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that's very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D-cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I'll come a-knocking.
- Sheldon Cooper: I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins; slip on the ring, disappear, and everyone goes home.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Mmmm, you liked Professor Geyster's wedding.
- Sheldon Cooper: They had a make-your-own-sundae bar. Oh, that was a night to remember. D'you know, on one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.
- Raj Koothrappali: I think I'd like you to help me find a wife
- Mrs. Koothrappali: Just to be clear, a female wife?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: At the school dance the nuns made us have space between us for the Holy spirit
- Howard Wolowitz: Hindi's do the same thing but with cows
- Raj Koothrappali: I love your charming racist humor but can you not mock my religion while she's
- [Lakshmi]
- Raj Koothrappali: here
- Howard Wolowitz: Yesterday you made fun of me for eating lox
- Raj Koothrappali: It's different, you don't worship lox
- Howard Wolowitz: Clearly you've never had brunch with my cousins
- [last lines]
- Raj Koothrappali: So while I'm waiting for this mysterious perfect match - who may or may not exist - I'm supposed to just be alone?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not necessarily. I think we've found someone for you to cuddle with.
- [lifts a dog out of her purse]
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh my goodness. Aren't you the cutest little Yorkie ever! You got him for me?
- Howard Wolowitz: Her. We thought you two would hit it off.
- Raj Koothrappali: I think we already have. Thank you guys so much.
- [to the dog]
- Raj Koothrappali: Let's go see if you fit in my man-purse.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Metrosexual my ass!
- Raj Koothrappali: Hello Mummy, Daddy, how are you?
- Mrs. Koothrappali: Pretty good. Can't complain.
- Dr. Koothrappali: Oh, I'm sure you can. Just give it a minute.
- Sheldon Cooper: Knock Knock.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Who's there?
- Sheldon Cooper: Interrupting physicist.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Interrupting physi...
- Sheldon Cooper: Muon!
- Sheldon Cooper: You know what you are? well you're a green-blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it's time you beam on outta here.
- Mr. Spock: Fine. I will just use the transporter. Oh, right, you broke it.
- Sheldon Cooper: Very well. Cooper to Enterprise, one to beam up. Energize.
- [picks up the Spock action figure and throws it]