- Hazel Wassername: I will treat them as my own children. Which is a bad example, because I left my children at a Sears in 2004.
- Liz Lemon: Don't you want to celebrate Ireland's accomplishments, like Michael Lohan and vomiting into a bagpipe?
- Dennis Duffy: I tried to steal beer from a Duane Reade and some black guy cold cocked me.
- Criss: Like a security guard?
- Dennis Duffy: I don't know, pal. I don't see people that way.
- Jack Donaghy: Frank, first of all, what are you doing here on a Saturday?
- Frank Rossitano: None of the writers can go out on St. Patrick's Day because we all have faces people naturally just want to punch.
- Liz Lemon: I don't leave my house on St. Patrick's Day. Criss and I are going to ride out Hurricane Shamrock holed up in my apartment, laughing at excerpts from "Angela's Ashes."
- Jack Donaghy: You know, some people might find your attitude offensive.
- Liz Lemon: Oh, what are they going to do about it, write a meandering play about how amazing the Irish are at not overcoming adversity?
- Jack Donaghy: Well, I'm sorry we can't all belong to ethnic groups as beloved as the Germans.
- Liz Lemon: Please, without Germans, you wouldn't have any of the "Indiana Jones" movies.
- Jack Donaghy: Lemon, your secret love of the Irish is well-documented. After all, I am your mentor, you dated Dennis Duffy, and in the '90s, you gave money to the IRA.
- Jack Donaghy, Liz Lemon: I thought it was contributing to a retirement account.
- Liz Lemon: I will be wearing head-to-toe orange, in honor of protestant William of Orange, inventor of the Orange, according to Yahoo! Answers.
- Priest: I'm sure you know the story of St. Patrick, driving the snakes out of Ireland.
- Jack Donaghy: I'm going to have to stop you right there, father, 'cause I know for a fact that there were never any snakes in Ireland, and St. Patrick didn't drive anything out of anywhere. Knock, knock. First of all, he was born in fourth-century Ireland. He might as well have been born in a grave. His only worldly possession was no snakes.
- Jack Donaghy: Excuse me, may I help you?
- Frank Rossitano: What? We don't use your bathroom when you're not here. I'm Lutz.