- Caroline Channing: Max. Do you have any gum? My breath tastes like someone else's breath.
- Max Black: You're asking me if I have any gum? That's like asking New Jersey if it has any sluts.
- Caroline Channing: Great. There were onions in my street meat. Listen to me. "Onions in my street meat." Last year, I was taking meetings on Wall Street. This year, I'm eating meat from the street by a wall.
- Max Black: [searching her purse] Let's see. Phone, chapstick. A pill! Could be birth control, could be ecstasy. Waiting for a day off to find out. Why wait?
- [takes pill]
- Max Black: If I start touching your hair in an hour, don't let me have sex with anyone.
- Caroline Channing: [after someone knocks on the door] Who is it?
- Sophie Kachinsky: [from behind door] Kim Kardashian.
- [Caroline opens the door and lets her in]
- Sophie Kachinsky: No, I'm not Kim Kardashian. No, I work for a living.
- Caroline Channing: Sophie? I can't believe I'm about to say this, but for Oleg, It's not just about sex. He feels things for you. I know for a fact he's buying you a special gift. Tell her, Max.
- Max Black: Well, he mentioned something about a fur and tonight when he was talking about you, he did use the word "love."
- Sophie Kachinsky: [with her mouth stuffed full of cupcakes] "Love"? Oh, come on, don't ruin my cupcake buzz. I mean this man has no future. Yes, he does have a giant penis, but no future. I mean, I worked hard to get where I am. I need a man who has a dream and a drive. And, I can buy a big, giant penis online for $47.
- Max Black: Really? "Add to cart."