Louie (TV Series)

Daddy's Girlfriend: Part 1 (2012)

Louis C.K.: Louie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Louie : Okay, I'm gonna come out and tell you, I'm - I'm asking you out. That's what I'm doing - and please don't answer yet. Because I know you might have a "No" cued up in your head already. And I - but I - please, will you let me say a few things?

  [Liz nods] 

  Louie : I - I know that being a woman in New York must be hard, because it's basically disappointing, maybe, that you try to be nice to men as human beings, and - and then they respond by just torpedoing towards your vagina. And I - I want you to know that I'm aware that you're young and beautiful and I'm not either of those things, and I - part of me knows that as soon as my lips stop moving, you're gonna say no, but I - please think of the fact that it's low risk, what I'm asking: You just come out with me for a drink. And even if you got up and left in the middle of the one drink, I wouldn't - I wouldn't hold it against you. So just make a judgment based on that it - nothing horrible would happen if you came out with me. I think you're so attractive. I'm attracted to you because you're nice and you're a decent person, and those are - and other reasons you probably want people to be attracted to you. I - also, you're all horribly cute. I mean, you're cute as hell, and I - I grow on people, women, when they - you get - some time goes by, you get past the bald head and the s- that I sweat a lot and I'm lumpy.

  [sighs] 

  Louie : I've run out of things to say. Can you just say, tell me now, if it's - did this work, are you gonna...

  Liz : [matter-of-factly]  I don't date guys, I'm a lesbian.

  [Stunned, Louie stares at her] 

  Liz : [laughs]  I'm just kidding. Of course I'll have a drink with you, why not?

  Louie : [laughs]  Oh my god. Really?

  Liz : Yes! I don't choose guys based on looks. That made for a really shitty life for me. And you're not a troll, for Christ's sake - get some confidence.

  Louie : I'll have it up and running.

  Liz : Do you wanna pick me up tonight?

  Louie : Tonight? Yeah.

  Liz : At eight o'clock?

  Louie : Yes, please.

  Liz : When I get off?

  Louie : That'd be great.

  Liz : Okay. Nice job on the asking out.

  Louie : Thank you.

  Liz : [walking away]  I liked it. A-plus.

• ["Friends with benefits" Louie and Maria are postcoitally lying in bed watching TV] 

  Louie : Do you wanna come over sometime and have dinner? Like, we'd have dinner?

  Maria : Are you asking me out on a date or s...

  Louie : [stammering]  No. Uh, like, if you came to my place and had d- the - we - I would make you dinner at my place, and with my kids there and...

  Maria : Go and have dinner with you and your kids?

  Louie : Yeah.

  Maria : Oh. That's nice.

  [long pause] 

  Maria : Why do you want me... to do that?

  Louie : Because I just thought it - I thought it'd be nice. You don't want to?

  Maria : *No.* I *really* don't wanna do that. I do *not* wanna meet your kids. Ugh.

  Louie : "Ugh"? Why do you have to say, "Ugh"?

  Maria : Wh- what do you think this is? Like, I'm your girlfriend?

  Louie : No. I'm - Just forget it. I'm sorry.

  [Maria sits up and turns away from Louie] 

  Maria : Jesus, now I'm all dicked up in the head... and it was so simple with you.

  Louie : I'm sorry! I'm sorry I brought it up. I'm sorry I dicked you up in the head.

  Maria : [pointing to Louie's crotch]  I'm here for that. And - and now you're - trying to add features to this thing...

  Louie : I'm not trying to add - I'm trying to - You know what? Really forget it.

  Maria : Wow.

  Louie : Really forget it. I'm so sorry.

  Maria : You really ruined my night. In two ways now.

  [pause] 

  Maria : You're bad at sex.

  [gets out of bed] 

  Maria : You're bad at it.

  Louie : Okay.

  Maria : You're bad at it.

  Louie : Okay.

  Maria : No. It's one thing you're not good at, Louie.

  Louie : Okay.