- Laurie: You know how many dicks I sucked that I didn't want to suck? Because I'm a good kid. Because I do what's right.
- Laurie: Your sperms are dying inside my mouth right now. Goddamit! Where are the gentlemen? What is wrong with our country?
- Allan Havey: That's young nervous penis. When you're 24 and single, your penis is like the young, nervous guy in the World War II movie in the foxhole. Any sound your penis hears, it's like, 'WHAT WAS THAT? LET'S GO! LET'S GO LET'S GO! I'm married in my 50s. My penis is relaxed. My penis is sitting in the chair, smoking a pipe, reading the paper. My penis is like Bing Crosby. It hears a noise it's like 'I think I heard a noise, could be a hand, could be a vagina, bub bub bub.