- Lana Kane: Go ahead and say it.
- Sterling Archer: What?
- Lana Kane: How since we're gonna die in the morning that we should both have sex with each other.
- Sterling Archer: Well after seeing a tiger get murdered, Lana, I'm not really in the mood. Well if you wanted to, I could watch while you masturbate, but I'm gonna tell you, my heart is not in it, my heart is with that poor tiger's family. But go ahead, I mean, start.
- Ray Gillette: [Trying Krieger's drug-cleansing tea] Oh, god! It tastes worse than it smells!
- Pam Poovey: Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that... I'd have eight nickles.
- Malory Archer: But the reward is a million dollars!
- Lana Kane: Exactly, and how many drug users would be cured with that money?
- Malory Archer: Well, who cares?
- Lana Kane: Seriously?
- Sterling Archer: Well, you can't give them the money; they'll just go buy a million dollars worth of crack.
- Lana Kane: [Getting annoyed] You don't give them the money.
- Sterling Archer: You can't. They'll blow it on crack.
- Sterling Archer: [Archer is lost in the jungle and has spotted a bottle of tequila] Oh, goddess of the jungle, I take it all back, for when I was thirsty, you saw fit to slake my... .
- [Archer steps into a trap and is hanging upside down]
- Sterling Archer: Goddess of the jungle, you are a whore.
- Malory Archer: [On the phone] What? Yes, I heard what you said! I can't believe the head of the DEA has the balls to say it! Oh, is that a fact? Oh, it is!
- [Hangs up]
- Sterling Archer: So, how did that go?
- Malory Archer: Oh, fine. He was just explaining to me how ISIS won't be collecting the bounty on Calzado.
- Lana Kane: What are you talking about?
- Malory Archer: Because apparently there's no proof that we did.
- Lana Kane: [Angry] But we literally handed Calzado to him!
- Malory Archer: And in return, did they hand you a signed receipt?
- Sterling Archer: No... oh, shit.
- Malory Archer: Well done, because that's exactly the brand of unparalleled professional excellence I've come to expect at ISIS.
- Pam Poovey: [Running naked by Malory's office] NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! They'll never take me alive.
- Malory Archer: What was I saying? Oh yeah, unparalleled professional...
- Doctor Krieger: [Following Pam with a tranquilizer gun] Oh, for the love of god! Seal the exits!
- Malory Archer: Professional...
- Cheryl Tunt: [Sitting naked with Ray on his wheelchair] That's our pee, and that's the last I better hear about it, because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I'm going to burn it to the ground.
- Malory Archer: ...Excellence...
- Sterling Archer: Oh, speaking of excellence, did you hear we met a tiger? But... he... got... murdered.
- Malory Archer: We have had to increase the number of field agents since someone went and got himself paralyzed.
- Ray Gillette: Yeah, that's me, Mr. Selfish.
- Malory Archer: More like "Ms."
- Sterling Archer: Relax, Lana, Cyril is going to be fine.
- [Hears a large jungle cat roar]
- Sterling Archer: Unless a tiger ate him.
- Lana Kane: Tigers don't live in South America.
- Sterling Archer: Well, at least one does, because I just heard its spine-tingling roar.
- Lana Kane: That was a jaguar, dumbass.
- Sterling Archer: Thanks, Marlon Perkins, I think I know a TIGER when I hear one!
- Cyril Figgis: I thought to myself, "What would Lana do?"
- Sterling Archer: Not Archer?
- Cyril Figgis: I had to outsmart them.
- Malory Archer: None of you had any field experience when you first started. And you've given Cyril some training.
- Sterling Archer: Which ended with a dead hooker in my trunk!
- Cyril Figgis: No it didn't!
- Sterling Archer: Well it easily could have!
- Sterling Archer: [Trapped in a jail with Lana surrounded by exotic animals] The tiger says...
- [tiger roars]
- Sterling Archer: The tiger also says you owe me $1,000!
- Lana Kane: No, I don't!
- Sterling Archer: The welcher says...
- Malory Archer: Oh, that reminds me - Pam! At 9:00 AM Friday all Isis employees are required to take a drug test.
- Pam Poovey: [Pam is smoking a joint, begins coughing] Crack whore!
- Malory Archer: And knock off that damn beat boxing!
- Pam Poovey: [sighs]
- Malory Archer: Last week it was free styling.
- Sterling Archer: Thanks, ghost of Teddy Roosevelt.
- Cyril Figgis: Well, Mrs. Archer said to dress for the tropics.
- Sterling Archer: Tropics or Busch Gardens?
- Sterling Archer: Well, look on the bright side!
- Lana Kane: Which is?
- Sterling Archer: Which is what?
- Lana Kane: What's the bright side?
- Sterling Archer: Oh... It's a figure of speech.