Archer (TV Series)
El Contador (2012)
H. Jon Benjamin: Sterling Archer
Photos
Quotes
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Lana Kane : Go ahead and say it.
Sterling Archer : What?
Lana Kane : How since we're gonna die in the morning that we should both have sex with each other.
Sterling Archer : Well after seeing a tiger get murdered, Lana, I'm not really in the mood. Well if you wanted to, I could watch while you masturbate, but I'm gonna tell you, my heart is not in it, my heart is with that poor tiger's family. But go ahead, I mean, start.
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Malory Archer : But the reward is a million dollars!
Lana Kane : Exactly, and how many drug users would be cured with that money?
Malory Archer : Well, who cares?
Lana Kane : Seriously?
Sterling Archer : Well, you can't give them the money; they'll just go buy a million dollars worth of crack.
Lana Kane : [Getting annoyed] You don't give them the money.
Sterling Archer : You can't. They'll blow it on crack.
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Sterling Archer : [Archer is lost in the jungle and has spotted a bottle of tequila] Oh, goddess of the jungle, I take it all back, for when I was thirsty, you saw fit to slake my... .
[Archer steps into a trap and is hanging upside down]
Sterling Archer : Goddess of the jungle, you are a whore.
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Malory Archer : [On the phone] What? Yes, I heard what you said! I can't believe the head of the DEA has the balls to say it! Oh, is that a fact? Oh, it is!
[Hangs up]
Sterling Archer : So, how did that go?
Malory Archer : Oh, fine. He was just explaining to me how ISIS won't be collecting the bounty on Calzado.
Lana Kane : What are you talking about?
Malory Archer : Because apparently there's no proof that we did.
Lana Kane : [Angry] But we literally handed Calzado to him!
Malory Archer : And in return, did they hand you a signed receipt?
Sterling Archer : No... oh, shit.
Malory Archer : Well done, because that's exactly the brand of unparalleled professional excellence I've come to expect at ISIS.
Pam Poovey : [Running naked by Malory's office] NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! They'll never take me alive.
Malory Archer : What was I saying? Oh yeah, unparalleled professional...
Doctor Krieger : [Following Pam with a tranquilizer gun] Oh, for the love of god! Seal the exits!
Malory Archer : Professional...
Cheryl Tunt : [Sitting naked with Ray on his wheelchair] That's our pee, and that's the last I better hear about it, because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I'm going to burn it to the ground.
Malory Archer : ...Excellence...
Sterling Archer : Oh, speaking of excellence, did you hear we met a tiger? But... he... got... murdered.
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Sterling Archer : Relax, Lana, Cyril is going to be fine.
[Hears a large jungle cat roar]
Sterling Archer : Unless a tiger ate him.
Lana Kane : Tigers don't live in South America.
Sterling Archer : Well, at least one does, because I just heard its spine-tingling roar.
Lana Kane : That was a jaguar, dumbass.
Sterling Archer : Thanks, Marlon Perkins, I think I know a TIGER when I hear one!
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Cyril Figgis : I thought to myself, "What would Lana do?"
Sterling Archer : Not Archer?
Cyril Figgis : I had to outsmart them.
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Malory Archer : None of you had any field experience when you first started. And you've given Cyril some training.
Sterling Archer : Which ended with a dead hooker in my trunk!
Cyril Figgis : No it didn't!
Sterling Archer : Well it easily could have!
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Sterling Archer : [Trapped in a jail with Lana surrounded by exotic animals] The tiger says...
[tiger roars]
Sterling Archer : The tiger also says you owe me $1,000!
Lana Kane : No, I don't!
Sterling Archer : The welcher says...
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Sterling Archer : Thanks, ghost of Teddy Roosevelt.
Cyril Figgis : Well, Mrs. Archer said to dress for the tropics.
Sterling Archer : Tropics or Busch Gardens?
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Sterling Archer : Well, look on the bright side!
Lana Kane : Which is?
Sterling Archer : Which is what?
Lana Kane : What's the bright side?
Sterling Archer : Oh... It's a figure of speech.
