- Phil Dunphy: I am Phil Dunphy, and I am not a pervert. I, like a lot of men in this town, enjoy making love to my wife. I mean, um... I mean with their wives. Not me, them! Look, I should probably just sit down and say nothing, but it's too late. I am standing, and I'm obviously talking, and now you're looking at me, and I feel the need to keep going.
- Jay Pritchett: [watching Claire trying to remain composed at the debate] It's like watching the Hindenburg.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: This is the most horrible thing I've ever seen in my life.
- Phil Dunphy: [standing up] Excuse me.
- Jay Pritchett: Stand by.
- Jay Pritchett: [Comes home] Stella! Where's my good girl? Gloria, is Stella up there?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, but I am. Why don't you say 'hello' to your wife when you come home?
- Jay Pritchett: Well why don't you greet me at the door wagging your tail?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I cannot believe you laughed!
- Cameron Tucker: I am sorry! But you know I have two weaknesses - children cursing and old people rapping.
- Cameron Tucker: What about the wedding? What if she says it there? She's like a ticking time bomb!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, what are we gonna do, cancel?
- Cameron Tucker: Yes. Maybe we just call and say, 'we're not going to any more weddings until the gays can get married'.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, so now we're political? We leave town on Gay Pride Weekend because we don't like the traffic.
- Phil Dunphy: Sweetheart, you're not unlikeable.
- Claire Dunphy: Thank you.
- Phil Dunphy: You just seem unlikeable.
- Jay Pritchett: Why, suddenly, would she jump in the pool when she doesn't know how to swim?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Why does she bark at the vacuum? It's a thing; it is never going to play with you.
- Jay Pritchett: [Puts a hand over Stella's ears] Are you saying Stella is stupid?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Are you covering her ears?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Why are you swimming in your clothes?
- Jay Pritchett: Because I'm self-conscious about my body. Stella fell in the pool.
- Manny Delgado: It's my fault. I let her out, and then I got caught up in my couponing.
- Jay Pritchett: Any coupons for swim lessons? 'Cause Stella needs some.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Seriously? Manny you teach to swim by throwing him in the pool, but the dog gets swimming lessons?
- Manny Delgado: I gotta say, it was unpleasant but effective.
- Claire Dunphy: You know what the worst part of today was?
- Alex Dunphy: I imagine it's hard to choose.
- Claire Dunphy: When everything was melting down, I realized I had an answer to your question. Why I was running. I wanted to make my family proud, and I did the exact opposite.
- Alex Dunphy: No.
- Claire Dunphy: No, I did. I totally embarrassed you.
- Alex Dunphy: No. No, Dad embarrassed me. I was proud of you. I think it's cool you're running for local office. I mean, it's totally nerdy, and that's kind of my thing.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay! Manny! We should have been there already.
- Jay Pritchett: Gloria, I'm tying my tie.
- Manny Delgado: I'm accessorizing!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: And I thought *I* was the woman.
- Duane Bailey: I'm afraid that doggie suicide is all too real. It's just the mainstream media doesn't report on it, 'cause it's not as sexy as feline AIDS.