Community (TV Series)
Urban Matrimony and the Sandwich Arts (2012)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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Britta Perry : When's our culture gonna outgrow this wedding thing?
Annie Edison : You're anti-wedding now?
Jeff Winger : No, she's just pro-anti.
Britta Perry : No to everything you both said.
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Jeff Winger : Shirley asked me to say something nice at her wedding.
Leonard : This is the rehearsal.
Jeff Winger : Shut up, Leonard! Those girls you play ping-pong with are doing it ironically! Well! I searched my heart... for something nice to say at a wedding, and I found nothing, so I had a drink. And then I looked real hard. And you know what I found? My daddy said he would stay with my mommy forever, and he left! Marriage is a lie! Nobody commits to this! Nobody stays with anybody forever, so why do we keep lying?
Britta Perry : [slurring] I'm gonna stay with somebody forever. It's in my stupid DNA. I was born to be a wife and that's all I'm ever gonna be! You expect anyone here to believe that? I don't care if anybody believes it, jackass! It's a fact!
Jeff Winger : Prove it, ding dong!
Troy Barnes : There are a lot of layers to this.
Abed Nadir : It's almost too conceptual to follow, but... I love it.
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Jeff Winger : Somebody tell Britta what an analogy is.
Britta Perry : I know what it is. It's like a thought, with a... another thought's hat on!
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Jeff Winger : Wireless racism. The future of the past is now.
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Annie Edison : Hey! Did you think of a toast?
Jeff Winger : Well, yeah. Uh, I had a drink, and I looked in my heart, and here's what I got so far... "Webster's dictionary defines..."
Annie Edison : Gah! Stop! "Webster's dictionary defines"? That's the Jim Belushi of speech openings... it accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody understands why.
Jeff Winger : Yeah, well, it's all I got. That took me eight hours and six macallan neat... ses. Look, I'm sorry, I just don't believe in marriage.
Britta Perry : I do. It's inevitable.
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Annie Edison : [to Andre And Shirley] Hi, sorry, don't want to interrupt. But you are cordially invited to prevent a disaster.
Britta Perry : I promise to put your dreams before mine.
Jeff Winger : I promise to bottle up my repulsion at the sight of your hair in the drain.
Britta Perry : I promise to earn no more than 70% of what you would make at the same job.
Jeff Winger : What about babies?
Britta Perry : What about 'em?
Jeff Winger : How many?
Britta Perry : Pick a number, dick! Like it's up to me!
Shirley Bennett : What in God's name are you two doing?
Britta Perry : Getting married. What does it look like we're doing?
Shirley Bennett : You two are damn fools.
[to Minister]
Shirley Bennett : Oh, sorry.
Minister : I'll allow it.
Britta Perry : I am a fool. I was a fool to think I wasn't destined for a life of this. I mean, look around. Can you even imagine what kind of wedding I could throw if I actually gave a crap? No offense.
Shirley Bennett : Knock it off.
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Shirley Bennett : Um, Jeff, I was wondering if you would do us the honor of giving a toast at our wedding?
Annie Edison : Good idea! Jeff has a lot of thoughts about marriage.
Jeff Winger : I would be honored.
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Jeff Winger : Look, I can't get behind this marriage thing, either. It was invented back when "till death" meant "till your first cold." I mean, life's too long to spend it with someone else.
Britta Perry : It's a sucker's game.
Jeff Winger : It's a mutual cop out. I mean, just nut up and die alone.
Britta Perry : Mmm.
[Britta and Jeff high five]
Shirley Bennett : [enters] Hello.
Britta Perry : Oh, my God, we're so happy for you!
Jeff Winger : You are glowing.
Shirley Bennett : I know, isn't it exciting?
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Jeff Winger : [Annie walking by, humming] Annie! I need your help.
[Annie squealing chuckle]
Jeff Winger : Um, you're, like, sentimental and stuff.
Annie Edison : Oh!
Jeff Winger : I'm really having trouble coming up with a toast.
Annie Edison : I find that hard to believe, Jeff. You once convinced Troy that turtlenecks were made of turtles' necks.
Jeff Winger : It's true, my superpower is that I can assume any position that suits my purpose. In that example... Keeping turtlenecks as an option for myself, down the road. But I do have a kryptonite. It's so obvious to me that marriage is dumb, I can't even pretend to get behind it.
Annie Edison : You know what I think would make the perfect toast? You, as Shirley's friend and a good guy, just saying what's really in your heart. There's something real in there. Maybe that's what scares you.
[exits]
Jeff Winger : [to himself] I could use a drink.
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Jeff Winger : Give me another.
Britta Perry : Mmm.
[pours, garnishes and hands Jeff a Macallan neat]
Jeff Winger : [examines the gilded drink] What's with you?
Britta Perry : [drunkenly whispers] This is who I am.
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Shirley Bennett : Andre, sorry I'm late. I have wonderful news.
Andre : [angrily] Where were you?
Shirley Bennett : Uh, getting wonderful news. The Dean loved our pitch and...
Andre : Your pitch? Woman, I've been waiting for you for two hours.
Shirley Bennett : [sweetly] Oh, no. Has it been that long? I'm so sorry.
Andre : Don't you dare use your sexy voice on me.
Britta Perry , Jeff Winger : [realization] Ohhhh!
