Community (TV Series)
Advanced Gay (2011)
Donald Glover: Troy Barnes
Photos
Quotes
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Vice Dean Laybourne : Have you heard the expression Room Temperature?
Troy Barnes : Of course.
Vice Dean Laybourne : This is the room. This is the Room Temperature room.
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Troy Barnes : I'm gonna eat space paninis with black Hitler and there's nothing you can do about it!
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Pierce Hawthorne : [eulogizing his father] Father, I'll never forget what you said to me on my first day of school. "Comb your hair, you idiot, you look Greek." I'll never know if that was true, but I do know that I was too scared to stand up for myself. Well, I'm not scared of you anymore because you're dead, and I'm not. So, I win... and you can suck it.
Troy Barnes : Dude just told his dead dad to suck it!
Britta Perry : So edible!
[sic, Oedipal, mumpsimus]
Minister : You're the worst.
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Abed Nadir : Hey, where you been?
Troy Barnes : I'm not allowed to say.
Abed Nadir : Are you Superman?
Troy Barnes : No.
Abed Nadir : Would you tell me if you were?
Troy Barnes : I'd tell everyone. I never understood why he cared who knew.
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Troy Barnes : Okay, I know I said I can't talk to you about what's going on, but I can talk to myself. Can you pretend to be me?
Abed Nadir : [as Troy] I like football, but also I don't...
Troy Barnes : Perfect.
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Abed Nadir : I don't really see the dilemma. Plumbing and air conditioning seem more or less identical.
Troy Barnes : They're not--they couldn't be more or less identical.
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Abed Nadir : That was close, Constable Reggie. I thought those blorgons had us dead to rights.
Troy Barnes : What on bitter earth do they want from us, inspector?
Abed Nadir : The question's not what they want from us, constable. But when!
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Shirley Bennett : Oh, my... Even Bruce Vilanch?
Jeff Winger : Especially Bruce Vilanch.
Pierce Hawthorne : That is copyright infringement and defamation. I'm going to sue the pants off that lady.
Annie Edison : I don't think that's a lady.
Troy Barnes : And why do you want his pants off?
Pierce Hawthorne : Shut up! I only wanted his pants off when I thought he was a lady.
Jeff Winger : So you were attracted to him?
Pierce Hawthorne : The only thing I'm attracted to is taking him to court and eating his ass alive.
Shirley Bennett , Jeff Winger , Annie Edison , Troy Barnes , Abed Nadir , Britta Perry : Ooh!
Pierce Hawthorne : That's not what I meant. Stop putting gay things in my mouth.
[group laughs]
Shirley Bennett , Jeff Winger , Annie Edison , Troy Barnes , Abed Nadir , Britta Perry : [group sings the Hawthorne wipes jingle] I got a pocket full of hawthornes, pocket full of hawthornes...
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Troy Barnes : I was put on this earth to do something else.
Vice Dean Laybourne : [disdainfully] So you're going to be what... a plumber?
Troy Barnes : No, I'm not gonna be a plumber either. Because they have to deal with poop. My decision for now is to watch TV with my friend.
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Pierce Hawthorne : Gay-oh!
[chuckles]
Pierce Hawthorne : He... hey, what's going on with you bitches? Bitches is gay talk for friends.
Troy Barnes : Did you sue Urbana Champaign for his t-shirt?
Pierce Hawthorne : Not at all, I bought this. I'm a fan. Also, I'm a gay rights advocate.
Abed Nadir : I think I can explain. Pierce's positrons have been negatized, creating anti-Pierce. It happens all the time inspector spacetime.
Troy Barnes : Yeah, but anti-inspector had a funny mustache and was kinda rapey.
Annie Edison : I don't think his positrons have been negatized.
Abed Nadir : That's exactly what Constable Reggie said.
Pierce Hawthorne : No, I thought about it, and I decided a man should not be judged by what he does with a fellow man's butt.
Jeff Winger : [quietly to Britta] Here's the kick.
Pierce Hawthorne : Plus since that song came out, Hawthorne Wipes sales went up 7%.
Jeff Winger : And it's good.
[Britta smiles in amusement]
Pierce Hawthorne : Yep, even had my own people mock up a design for a new product line. Hawthorne Pride Wipes. They may cost more, but they're gayer. And I'm gonna launch these little babies at a big party here at Greendale. Here's a flyer.
Shirley Bennett : Ooh! Greendale's first annual... gay bash.
Britta Perry : Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirements for open-mindedness.
Annie Edison : Yeah, I'm really proud of you. You're growing as a person.
Jeff Winger : Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people. They're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes, he would have ridden in on a donkey.
Pierce Hawthorne : People earning respect with money is the American way, Jeff. Not that my father would have agreed. It took a federal injunction to get him to sell these things to the Italians.
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Jeff Winger : How old are you guys?
Troy Barnes : The question isn't how old we are... But when old we are!
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Vice Dean Laybourne : You're making a huge mistake, son.
Troy Barnes : That may be, sir. But at least it's my mistake.
Vice Dean Laybourne : It doesn't change the fact that it's a mistake.
Troy Barnes : Doesn't it?
Vice Dean Laybourne : No, it doesn't.