- Glenn Quagmire: Hey you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom?
- Peter Griffin: Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.
- Peter Griffin: Carter? Oh hey. You're involved with the Tea Party? Wait a minute. This is what Brian was warning me about: that the Tea Party is run by rich guys who are only out for themselves.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Brian? You mean that arrogant, unemployed dog of yours? Peter, he's just one of those liberal elites who spreads lies and hates patriots.
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, he kinda is.
- Stewie Griffin: Not to alarm anyone but a guy took me into the closet to try me on. I fit by the way.
- Tea Party Rally Speaker: Welcome, everyone! It's great to see so many regular people out here. Folks who are tired of big government and are ready to stand up for their rights.
- Tea Party Member: Yeah!
- Tea Party Member: Down with the Spend-o-crats!
- Peter Griffin: We are Marshall!
- Joe Swanson: Boy, they're really against socialism.
- Peter Griffin: That's right. The Tea Party is all about self-reliance. Look, there's even a Tunnel of Self-Love.
- [as customers enter the ride, they're each given a copy of Playboy magazine]
- Ride Attendant: [to a customer coming out] Would you like to buy a photo of yourself on the ride, sir?
- Male Customer: No, I would not.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: All right, now, remember, the Tea Party is a grassroots movement. We're not covered by the lamestream media, so we gotta reach out to the common man individually.
- Peter Griffin: Right, common man.
- [he dials a phone number]
- Woman on Phone: [picking up] Hello?
- Peter Griffin: Aw, jeez, it's... it's a girl.
- [Carter shakes his head in disapproval]
- Peter Griffin: May I speak to the man of the house?
- Woman on Phone: This is the woman of the house, and there is no man living here.
- Peter Griffin: No? W-W-What is... I-I... how are you paying for this phone?
- Woman on Phone: I'm a lawyer.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, I see, and are you in your little courthouse right now representing Barbie?
- [she hangs up]
- Peter Griffin: Okay, one vote for the Tea Party.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: All right, kiss government goodbye.
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, I can't wait to fire all them city employees, starting with that half-asleep construction worker.
- [cut to him in traffic approaching construction on the sidewalk; the worker holds up a stop sign while simultaneously waving him forward]
- Peter Griffin: What the hell? W-W-Which one is it, stop or go forward? This is a big deal. They're not at all similar.
- [the worker turns his sign around, which reads "slow"]
- Peter Griffin: Ah, no, no, no, no. You, sir, have lost my business.
- [he gets out of the car and walks away]
- Carter Pewterschmidt: You and I are both businessmen who work hard and pay taxes. Except that I make 10,000 times what you make.
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, we're the same, you and me.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: You know, Peter, the truth is, I could actually use a regular guy like you to help get our message out, and I know Joe Workingman agrees with me.
- [putting on his hard hat with a fake wig]
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Love to have you on board, Peter.
- Peter Griffin: Wow, thanks, Joe. You can count on me.
- [Carter takes the disguise off]
- Peter Griffin: Aw, Carter, you just missed Joe Workingman.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: [amused laugh] Oh, I think he'll know I was here.
- [he starts laughing diabolically, and Peter joins in nervously]
- Peter Griffin: I'm not sure what's happening.
- Brian Griffin: The Tea Party isn't the grassroots movement you think it is. It's actually funded by big-business types who are using you to get the government out of their way so they can roll over everyone.
- Stewie Griffin: Mom held hands with a woman at the gas station this morning. Don't know what that means. Just reporting it.
- Brian Griffin: All I'm saying is you're being used and you're too clueless to know it.
- Peter Griffin: Boy, you just think you're so superior, don't you? Like that first creature to walk on dry land.
- [cutaway]
- Fish #1: Hey, where'd you go?
- Second Creature: Ah, I went for a jog.
- Fish #1: What's a jog?
- Second Creature: It's a great way to stay in shape is what it is.
- Fish #3: Is it like a swim?
- Second Creature: [condescening laugh] No, no, it's, it's nothing like a swim.
- Peter Griffin: Wow, a lot of people here today.
- Glenn Quagmire: Yeah. Man, I love street fairs. They got rides, games, and ethic food cooked horribly by white Americans.
- Taco Lover #2: [with a thick Bostonian accent] Tack-os! Hot tack-os here!
- Taco Lover: Oh, are those tack-os?
- Taco Lover #2: You better believe they're tack-os.
- Taco Lover: I love tack-os! Especially on a corn tor-till-uh.
- Taco Lover #2: Oh! I love tack-os on a corn tor-till-uh!
- Lois Griffin: Oh, hi, Peter. How was your rally?
- Peter Griffin: Oh, it was great, and now I know it's the right cause to get behind 'cause a smart guy like your dad is involved.
- Brian Griffin: What? Carter was at the Tea Party rally?
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, he was running the whole thing.
- Brian Griffin: Peter, what did I tell you about rich guys?
- Peter Griffin: Look, I know what you're thinking, Brian, but don't worry. It's all okay. Turns out you're the enemy. They're the ones who are on our side.
- Brian Griffin: [sarcastic] Oh, of course, Carter Pewterschmidt, an industrialist with oil refineries in this city, is on your side. He wants to get rid of environmental regulations for you.
- Stewie Griffin: Brian, he doesn't get sarcasm.
- Peter Griffin: No, it's not just environmental regulations, Brian. Carter wants to get rid of the whole city government of Quahog. He even put me in charge of the PR campaign to do it.
- Lois Griffin: Get rid of the government? Peter, if I know my dad, he's probably using you.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm so glad you've done the dishes so that you can hang out and chime in on this.
- Lois Griffin: Actually, Peter, I haven't done the dishes.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, you haven't? Well, then, I'm confused.
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, he does get sarcasm.
- Peter Griffin: Hi, there. May I help you folks?
- Peter's Customer: Yes, my family and I would like our portrait painted.
- Peter Griffin: Well, you came to the right place.
- [he reveals an easel and painting supplies]
- Peter Griffin: [a few minutes later] Looking good. Almost done. And... there. Done.
- [showing them the finished painting, they see the father and son sitting normally, with the wife and daughter in their underwear kissing]
- Peter's Customer: What have you done?
- Peter Griffin: I painted the truth. I painted my truth.
- Tea Party Rally Speaker: And now, it's my privilege to introduce another regular, blue-collar guy, our Quahog chapter spokesman, Joe Workingman!
- Carter Pewterschmidt: [with an obviously bad disguise] Good afternoon, friends and socioeconomic equals! Is anyone else out there sick of government crap?
- Peter Griffin: [as the crowd cheers] Oh, my God. It's like he's saying everything I'm listening to.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: That's right. The government wants to tell you what foods to eat.
- [boos]
- Carter Pewterschmidt: And what church you can go to.
- [more boos]
- Carter Pewterschmidt: And that you can't own a chimpanzee because you're not responsible enough.
- Peter Griffin: [more boos] I would feed it!
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Also, the government wants to tell you how many children you can have.
- John Herbert: [mortified] What? No!
- Carter Pewterschmidt: And the government wants to tell you you can't throw your old TVs into the river.
- Conseula: Then how I supposed to find TV?
- Carter Pewterschmidt: If you join the Tea Party, together, we can fix all that. But you probably don't wanna join the Tea Party because all you get are these stupid, awesome keychains!
- Joe Swanson: [after a speech from "Joe Workingman"] I got to say, that guy made a lot of sense.
- Glenn Quagmire: He sure did. The government's really gotten out of hand.
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, those bastards have ruined everything. The same way the Village People ruined any gathering of a cop, an Indian chief, and a construction worker.
- Peter Griffin: What do you think, mom, is that the most beautiful bride you've ever seen?
- Bride: I love it!
- Bride's Mother: Oh, it's just so much money.
- Peter Griffin: It's true. It's true. Take the dress off, sweetheart. Your mother says you can't have it.
- Bride's Mother: W-Wait, wait, wait a minute. Do you really love it?
- Bride: I do. It just feels like my wedding dress.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, mom, she loves it.
- Bride's Mother: Okay. We'll take it.
- Lois Griffin: [coming downstairs] Peter, what is that girl doing in my wedding dress?
- Peter Griffin: [crawling under the dress's hem] She gone?
- Bride: No.
- Peter Griffin: Okay, well, while I'm down here, let me give you my card. There you go.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, hey, Joe. What's going on?
- Joe Swanson: Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you down. You're running an unlicensed business, and that's against the law.
- Peter Griffin: Aw, that is such bullcrap.
- Joe Swanson: Well, you can't fight City Hall.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, we'll see about that!
- [leaving and coming back beaten up]
- Peter Griffin: City Hall knows karate.
- Lois Griffin: Wow, congratulations on your grand re-opening, Mort. Looks like your customers are comin' back.
- Mort Goldman: Thanks, Lois. It's good to be up and gouging again.
- Peter Griffin: Watch out there, Brian. Looks like the floor is wet.
- Alan: [passing by] Excuse me. I'm kind of in a hurry.
- [slipping on the water puddle]
- Alan: Ahhh! Son of a bitch!
- Peter Griffin: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
- Alan: I'm sorry. I've been a bit distracted lately. I think my wife has been crossing the street with another man.
- Alan's Wife: [outside, crossing the street with another generic-sign figure] God, I hope Alan doesn't find out.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing?
- Peter Griffin: I'm just puttin' up my new sign.
- Lois Griffin: Don't put that thing on our door. If you want to hang it somewhere, hang it in the basement.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, why? So you can hog it while you're doing laundry? No way.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, we're not a business.
- Peter's Customer: [coming in] Hey, I saw your sign. So, you're open?
- Peter Griffin: That's right.
- Peter's Customer: What do you do?
- Peter Griffin: What do you need?
- Peter's Customer: Milk.
- Peter Griffin: We have milk.
- Peter Griffin: Good Tea Party morning, everyone!
- Brian Griffin: Peter, you joined the Tea Party?
- Peter Griffin: That's right, Brian. I finally got something better to do with my Saturdays than sit at the mall and watch Japanese girls laugh at normal conversation.
- Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, what's this thing?
- Mort Goldman: Oh, that? That's my "Come in! We're open" sign.
- Peter Griffin: What's that, like an iPad?
- Mort Goldman: No, it's a sign.
- Peter Griffin: Wish I had one of those.
- Mort Goldman: I've got a whole box of 'em. Take it. It's yours. No charge.
- Peter Griffin: Ugh, typical Jew.