Saturday Night Live (TV Series)

Alec Baldwin/Radiohead (2011)

Bill Hader: Shepard Smith, Alan Alda, Harvey Fierstein, Vince Blight, Various

Photos 

Quotes 

• Vince Blight : Hello everyone! Welcome to another edition of Who's On Top? We've got three great contestants today, you folks ready to play? All right, the rules are simple. As we all know, when two gay men have sex, one person is the top, and one is the bottom. We'll show you two male celebrities who, hypothetically, could have sex, and you decide "Who's On Top."

  Contestant : No. No, no. No, thank you. I'm not playing this. Good luck! Nice meeting you!

  Vince Blight : As usual, explaining the rules has cost us a contestant. Paul, Madeline, are you still ready to play?

  Madeline : Sure!

  Paul : 100%

  Vince Blight : It's a simple game. For instance, if I said "Hannity and Colmes, who's on top?", the answer would be...

  Madeline , Paul : Hannity.

  Vince Blight : Obviously! All right, Paul, you're up first, here's your question. We've rocked out to their songs for over 30 years. Between them, they've sold almost 300 million albums. But if Billy Joel and Bruce Springstein had sex, tell me, who's on top?

  Paul : Oh, that's an excellent question! Let me think this through. Uh, the easy answer is that Bruce is on top, because he's the Boss, but it can't be that simple. Physically speaking, Bruce is more muscular, but Joel is a bulldog...

  Vince Blight : Ten more minutes!

  Paul : Don't rush me! Let's see, Billy Joel and Springstein are both legends, but Bruce has always stayed humble, and he takes pride in a hard day's work, even if it ain't pretty. Billy Joel's on top!

  Vince Blight : Correct! Paul, you're in the lead with $10,000. As always, I have to point out that we here at Who's On Top? are in no way insinuating that anyone mentioned on this show is or has ever been gay, etc. etc. All right! Madeleine, you're up. They're two of cinemas favorite international stars. But if Roberto Benigni and Gerard Depardieu had sex, who's on top?

  Madeline : Oh, shoot, I know this. Well, Benigni's a squirmer, so he would be hard to hold down, but if anyone could do it it's Gerard. So, I'm gonna say Gerard Depardieu's on top!

  Vince Blight : [Alarm buzzes]  I'm sorry, Madeline, you forgot that Depardieu is French, and therefore, a bottom. Well, Paul, you're back up. They've delighted millions of children in "The Lion King," but when Timon and Pumba have gay sex, who's on top?

  Paul : Oh, I was just thinking about this. Timon and Pumba, of course, their motto is Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase, Hakuna Matata, ain't no passing craze. It's a problem free philosophy, Hakuna Matata... there is not top, they trade off positions evenly, it's a circle of life!

  Vince Blight : That is correct! Let's pause now, for a word from one of our sponsors. What's that? Still no sponsors? I can't blame them. Okay, let's keep playing. Paul, you're in the lead, so you move on to our lightning round. But don't worry, Madeline isn't leaving empty handed, she's going home with the Who's On Top Home Edition!

  Paul : Vince, I'd just like to say, that when the show began, I thought it might be a reckless game of sexual gossip, but if you use your instincts about personality and status, you'll see that these are the right answers!

  Vince Blight : That's right, it's a smart game! Let's go to the lightning round. Okay, Paul, in this round I'm going to ask you to picture two men having sex.

  Paul : Done!

  Vince Blight : Let me finish. In two minutes you'll try to guess as many tops as you can before time runs out, all right? Go! Mark Twain and Seth Green, who's on top?

  Paul : Please, Mark Twain.

  Vince Blight : Correct! Kimbo Slice and the old man from "Up," who's on top?

  Paul : Surprisingly, the old man from "Up"!

  Vince Blight : Correct! Seventies Kenny Rogers, Kenny Rogers now, who's on top?

  Paul : I don't wanna picture that one, pass!

• Vince Blight : [playing the game show "Who's On Top?"]  Paul Giamatti...

  Paul : The other guy!

  Vince Blight : Correct! Dr. Ross, Dr. Phil, who's on top?

  Paul : Oprah Winfrey!

  Vince Blight : Correct! Final question: The cast of "Entourage," if they all had sex, put them in order from bottom to top.

  Paul : Oh, crap! Okay, Turtle's on the bottom, but now it gets tricky. Drama wouldn't be next, he's too proud.

  Vince Blight : Forty-five minutes...

  Paul : I got it! Turtle, E, Drama, Ari, Vinnie's on top, while Scott Caan watches!

  Vince Blight : You just won $600,000! You can walk away now, or lose it all!

  Paul : I wanna lose it all!

  Vince Blight : Well, too bad! That's all for today, stay tuned for the Gay Sex Elimination Show. Good night!

• Harvey Fierstein : [Reading the Top Gun script, confused]  This is not a gay film?

  Director : No.

  Harvey Fierstein : But it says in the script that we play volleyball in jean shorts.

  Director : It's not a gay film...

  Harvey Fierstein : I say: 'Iceman's on my tail, he's coming hard.' I literally said that to a bathroom attendant last night.