Machete Kills (2013)

Danny Trejo: Machete

Photos 

21 more photos

Quotes 

• Machete : Machete don't tweet.

• Voz : I never saw this.

  Machete : Machete happens.

• Machete : [Looking to a wall of weapons]  What happen to the world peace?

  Miss San Antonio : Fuck world peace.

• Machete : Machete don't fail!

• Machete : Good luck on that pageant.

  Miss San Antonio : I'm gonna need a lot more than luck! Did you see the ass of Miss Corpus Christi?

• Machete : Machete don't joke!

• Machete : I'm not interested.

  Mr. President : Motherfucker, I'm not asking if you're interested. I'm the President of the United fucking States, man.

• Luz : I thought Machete don't text.

  Machete : Machete loves everybody.

• Machete : Machete don't smoke!

• Machete : You're crazy.

  Mendez : With a capital C, muchacho.

• Mendez : Special Agent Mendez.

  Machete : How many of you are there?

  Mendez : Sorry, that's classified.

• Machete : [Answering the phone]  This is Machete!

• Grasa : Easy, hombre. You wouldn't shoot a man in a wheelchair, would you?

  Machete : No.

  [Machete shoots at an air tank, sending Grasa and the wheelchair rolling into enemy gunfire] 

• Mr. President : Machete, what's this I hear about you having Mendez in custody?

  Machete : Things got complicated.

  Mr. President : No shit! You were supposed to take him out, not give him a joyride on the Good Ship Lollypop! Damn it, I didn't recruit you for your sense of compassion. Machete kills. That's what he does! He doesn't save the bad guys! Now shoot that motherfucker!

  Machete : If he dies, you die. The missile is wired to his heart.

  Mr. President : Come again?

  Miss San Antonio : Machete, can it be disarmed?

  Machete : Only where it was made. VozTech.

  Mr. President : VozTech is the biggest weapons supplier to our military! You want to bring him all the way back to the fucking manufacturer?

  Machete : I need your help getting him across the border. This is a part of something big. I can feel it.

  Mr. President : Last time I sent a black op team into Mexico, they got dead and I got the Oval ass-fuck.

• Voz : Mendez wasn't my only boogeyman. North Korea, Russia, I have a Mendez everywhere. And in a matter of hours, they'll launch on one another, throwing the world into gargantuan, unrecoverable anarchy. Too many syllables? The world is fucked.

  Machete : Why?

  Voz : This world must end in order for a more perfect one to emerge. And like it or not, Mr. Machete, you're coming with me.

• Title Card : [mock movie trailer]  In a land beyond space and time...

  Trailer Voice Guy : A new world enslaved. This is a land in need of a hero.

  [Trejo removes his space helmet] 

  Trailer Voice Guy : They call him... MACHETE.

  [echoing] 

  Trailer Voice Guy : Machete Machete.

  Trailer Voice Guy : He knows the score.

  Space Babe : We need a leader. We need a revolution. We need you, Machete.

  Trailer Voice Guy : He gets the space babes.

  [deep kiss] 

  Luz : The people needs us, Machete. This is a new network. It's all... galactic and shit.

  Machete : He thinks he's God in heaven. So heaven must fall.

  Trailer Voice Guy : And he kills the bad guys. Starring Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez...

  Luz : Eat photons, bitches!

  Trailer Voice Guy : ...Alexa Vega. With Justin Beaver, as Bleep. And Lady Gaga, as

  [provoctive music] 

  Trailer Voice Guy : whoever she wants to be. With special guest star Leonardo DiCaprio, as the Man in the Silver Mask.

  [in a lower voice] 

  Trailer Voice Guy : Actor subject to change.

  [louder] 

  Trailer Voice Guy : Machete Kills Again... in Space.

  [lower voice again] 

  Trailer Voice Guy : Rated X for cigarette use, prolonged sexual content, pervasive language, and space violence.

• Police Captain : Why help the U.S.?

  Machete : 'Cause I'm the only that can.

  Police Captain : You're always the sensitive one, Machete.