- Erin: I lived in the land of Albion for ten full cycles of the moon. But I fled, after my family were dragged screaming from their home, to a mighty Wicca tower, where they were sacrificed to the three gods - Toutatis, Esus and Taranis. First they were garroted to death, then they were burned to death, then they were drowned to death! Three deaths to appease three gods. And then the druids drank their blood and ate their meat, and said the harvest would be bountiful!
- Lister: Right, have you got any lemons?
- Kryten: [discussing kidney stone surgery on Jesus] We need to insert a laser and a urethroscope up his urethra, locate the stone and haul it out.
- Lister: Kryten the only urethra I know is Urethra Franklin... in English!
- Rimmer: Here's a hint: it's the last place *any* man wants anyone inserting anything.
- Lister: Y'what? You're stuffin' stuff up his Schneiberhauser?
- Kryten: [Jesus has revealed to the crew he has had a pain in his back for 14 days] Well, we'll we need an X-ray to confirm, but I think he's got a kidney stone, we may need to operate.
- Lister: Is it life threatening?
- Cat: Depends who's operating.
- Rimmer: 14 days. Sounds like the stone's too big to pass. His kidney could shrivel and die, and complications could set in.
- Lister: We get him down to the medi-lab, we fix him up, we get him back, what's the problem?
- Kryten: We can't trust the medi-computer, sir. Remember what happened last month when you went in for a mumps and rubella injection?
- Lister: Yeah, asked for a rube jab, woke up with a boob job.
- [feeling his chest]
- Lister: It's still not quite right up here.
- Kryten: Then we'll have to do it.
- Rimmer: But we're not qualified.
- Kryten: I'm perfectly qualified, sir, after all, I've been operating on Mr Lister for years.
- Lister: [concerned] You what?
- Kryten: Well, not trusting the medi-computer, sir, what choice do I have?
- Lister: What kind of operations?
- Kryten: It was all above board, sir. I asked Mr Rimmer for permission. Sir, you remember that stomach pain you had a few months ago?
- Lister: Yeah?
- Kryten: You remember the searing agony you were in?
- Lister: Yeah?
- Kryten: And you remember how it just sort of stopped?
- Lister: Yeah?
- Kryten: That's because I performed a Splenectomy on you, sir.
- Lister: You what?
- Kryten: I removed your spleen.
- Lister: My spleen? You removed my spleen! Well, where is it? I might need that!
- Kryten: It's with the rest of your organs, sir. In the freezer. Next to my quarters, on G-deck.
- Rimmer: [talking about Shakespeare] Don't tell me you haven't noticed his bad haircut. But just because he's had a few hit expressions he gets away with it.
- Lister: What's wrong with his haircut?
- Rimmer: He's got a skullet.
- Lister: A skull what?
- Rimmer: A bald mullet - a skullet! Bald in the front, mullet at the back. You wouldn't wanna go out in public with this guy.