- Vanessa Baxter: Oh, your dad's home.
- Eve Baxter: Oh, finally. I've been cooped up with you hens long enough.
- Vanessa Baxter: Oh, Eve, honey, it's not cute when your dad says it, and it's just... confusing when you do it.
- Mandy Baxter: Sorry I'm late for dinner! Travis and I got a flat tire, and it took forever for AAA to get there.
- Mike Baxter: Wait. Don't tell me you called a strange person to change your tire.
- Mandy Baxter: Then why did you give me an auto club card?
- Mike Baxter: That's for a real emergency, like a meteor hitting the car or something. Wh-where is Travis?
- Mandy Baxter: Uh, he went to the tanning salon.
- Mike Baxter: [groaning in pain] Ohh! Ugh! Ow! That actually hurts to hear that.
- Mike Baxter: What's the matter? I'm saying...
- Mandy Baxter: No! You're just gonna say it's stupid.
- Mike Baxter: Come on, give me a break. I'm your dad. What- what's going on?
- Mandy Baxter: Travis said that "Glee" is dumb.
- Mike Baxter: Oh, for crap's sake. Is that what's worrying you? Is that why you're crying?
- [Mandy leaves, sobbing]
- Mike Baxter: [to Eve] What's "Glee"?
- Kristin Baxter: Dad, where's Boyd?
- Mike Baxter: Uh, he's napping. He got into the energy bars at work. He ran around until he passed out.
- Kristin Baxter: So... instead of taking him to day care, you took him to the blow dart and shotgun emporium?
- Mike Baxter: He wasn't around anything dangerous, okay? And I can't say the same had I left him at Hippie Hippie Rainbow.
- Kristin Baxter: Bruce teaches sensitivity and tolerance.
- Mike Baxter: I just don't think your kid should go to that school. You know how that ends up.
- Kristin Baxter: Hmm?
- Mike Baxter: Boyd dancing on a float.
- [he pantomimes]
- Kristin Baxter: And what would be so wrong with that?
- Mike Baxter: Then only time men should be dancing is when other men are shootin' at their feet.
- Kristin Baxter: Are you gonna meddle up until the day you die?
- Mike Baxter: And beyond. I have a very specific will.
- Eve Baxter: Well, we have to move!
- Vanessa Baxter: What happened?
- Eve Baxter: Dad! He told me that boys would like me more if I played aggressive. I sprained Victor Blake's ankle, and now they call me "Queen Kong."
- [Mike enters the house behind her]
- Eve Baxter: I'm going to pack! Ugh!
- Mike Baxter: [seeing Vanessa's expression] I can explain. We might have to move.
- Ed Alzate: How is Mike pretending to be angry, scary, and unstable good for our website?
- Kyle Anderson: We've gotten tons of hits. Hits are good.
- Ed Alzate: I know hits are good, you jackwang. I'm not a thousand years old.
- Kyle Anderson: It's gone viral. Our web traffic is way up.
- Ed Alzate: Well... looks like this company has finally entered the 20th century, huh?
- Kyle Anderson: But it's the 21st century, sir.
- Ed Alzate: One step at a time, Kyle.
- Mike Baxter: Hey, Eve, would you give me the ketchup...
- Eve Baxter: Not talking to you.
- Mike Baxter: Kristin, does Boyd want a hot dog, or do you have some soy thing on a stick in your purse?
- [Kristin ignores him]
- Mike Baxter: Okay, I get it. Nobody's talking to me.
- Mandy Baxter: I'm talking to you, dad.
- Mike Baxter: That makes me nervous.
- Mandy Baxter: Will you go pick up Travis, please?
- Mike Baxter: You can pick him up.
- Mandy Baxter: Really?
- Mike Baxter: Yeah, if you can just figure out how to change a tire.
- [Mandy turns to leave]
- Mike Baxter: So sad.
- Mandy Baxter: I'm living with Lord Voldemort!
- Mike Baxter: I don't know who that is, but he sounds like a very caring father.
- Kyle Anderson: Hi. You must be Mr. B's daughter.
- Kristin Baxter: Okay. And who are you?
- Kyle Anderson: I'm Kyle. Your dad wanted us to meet?
- Kristin Baxter: Oh, god. Did he tell you that I needed a man?
- Kyle Anderson: Pretty much.
- Kristin Baxter: Great. Well, did he also tell you that I need help because I'm a single mom?
- Kyle Anderson: Um...
- Kristin Baxter: I'm guessing not by that dumbfounded look on your face.
- Kyle Anderson: Oh, no, this is just my face.
- Eve Baxter: Mandy, you're getting glitter on my soccer ball.
- Mandy Baxter: Oh, well, now it's a disco ball.
- [singsong]
- Mandy Baxter: You're welcome!
- Kristin Baxter: Oh, look, Boyd drew a rocket. Or a... wiener. You know what? Let's go with rocket.
- Mandy Baxter: Where was his catalog shoot this time? Peru? Portugal? Something with a "P".
- Eve Baxter: Yeah, Alaska, with a "P."
- Vanessa Baxter: He said he was bringing dinner home.
- Kristin Baxter: Oh, good. We're starving.
- Mike Baxter: [entering with a giant fish in hand] I'm back!
- Vanessa Baxter: [Mike has brought a giant fish home for dinner] What am I supposed to do with this?
- Mike Baxter: You slice it, mouth to anus. You pull everything out. Pretty self-explanatory.
- Vanessa Baxter: Can you drive Eve to soccer?
- Mike Baxter: [scoffing] Soccer. That's just Europe's covert war for the hearts and minds of America's kids.
- Eve Baxter: We're scrimmaging the boys to make us tougher.
- Mike Baxter: Well, the boys aren't that tough. I've seen them play. Running around, getting hair gel in their eyes, run into the goalpost, and they cry.
- Vanessa Baxter: Why are you watching the young boys play soccer?
- Mike Baxter: I'm pretty sure I just explained why.
- Kristin Baxter: Hey, mom, can you take Boyd to day care? I can't be late to the diner. It's our salute to bacon week, and I am the only person who knows how to work the defibrillator.
- Vanessa Baxter: I'm running late. Ask your dad.
- Kristin Baxter: Oh, not dad. Boyd only knows, like, six words, and half of them are "I blame Obamacare!". He's a bad influence.
- Mike Baxter: You know, he's standing right here.
- Vanessa Baxter: He does his best.
- Mike Baxter: Literally, I'm standing right here.
- Mike Baxter: You know who should take Boyd to day care? Is that deadbeat, no-good father of his.
- Kristin Baxter: Yeah, dad. We've been over this, really. I'm doing fine. I know this might be hard for you to believe because you're so old school, but I do not need a man.
- Mike Baxter: Well, you got a baby, so you needed a man once.
- Kristin Baxter: Ew! All right, I will take Boyd to day care, but I just hope my being late does not cause the Great Bacon Riot of 2011.
- Mike Baxter: I like bacon.
- Mike Baxter: [seeing Mandy crying] Now what's wrong?
- Eve Baxter: Dad, no. It's gonna be boring.
- Mandy Baxter: I just... I really needed mom's advice.
- Mike Baxter: Well, I'm here. You can have dad's advice.
- Mandy Baxter: No, I need good advice.
- Mike Baxter: I gave your older sister plenty of advice when she was a teenager. What's up?
- Mandy Baxter: Oh, yeah. Is that when she got the tattoo or when she came home from her prom pregnant?
- Mike Baxter: She has a tattoo?
- Eve Baxter: I think it's called a tramp stamp.
- Mike Baxter: Yeah, thank god. She doesn't have a tattoo. She has a-a tramp stamp.
- Mike Baxter: Hey, guys, great to be back in the sanctuary.
- [greetings from his coworkers]
- Mike Baxter: Yeah. No hair dryers, no tears, no citrus body wash. It smells like balls in here.
- Ed Alzate: Just got a call from corporate today. They wanna shut down the catalog.
- Mike Baxter: Corporate? You own the company.
- Ed Alzate: Well, it was worth a shot. What the hell.
- Mike Baxter: Wait, what are you talking about? Our catalog was voted Best Catalog by Catalog Magazine.
- Ed Alzate: Catalog is done.
- Mike Baxter: What, are you gonna phase it out?
- Ed Alzate: Consider it phased.
- Mike Baxter: After Costa Rica, we're done?
- Ed Alzate: No Costa, no Rica. You're grounded. But I need your expertise on the website.
- Mike Baxter: The website's terrible.
- Ed Alzate: Oh, that's why I want you in charge of it. For us to have any future at all, we have to lure young men to our stuff.
- Mike Baxter: Now you sound like my sisters talking.
- Ed Alzate: Young people don't read catalogs anymore. They're online, so your job now is you gotta go get 'em. I need this company to be viable a hundred years from now so I'll have a place to come back to when they unfreeze my head.
- Mike Baxter: Honey, I-I don't think you're ever gonna be able to rely on this Travis guy, and I'm also gonna ground you 'till you can figure out how to change a tire.
- Mandy Baxter: [running out] That's so unfair!
- Mike Baxter: Who ever said life was supposed to be fair? I'm just doing this so you don't have to depend on a man.
- Kristin Baxter: Um, I thought your argument with me was that I needed a man.
- Mike Baxter: [stammering] Just concern yourself with this area over here.
- Vanessa Baxter: How's work?
- Kristin Baxter: Oh, they're adding all you can eat sausage to the mix tomorrow. It's gonna be mayhem.
- Vanessa Baxter: [sympathetically] Mm.
- Mike Baxter: I love sausage.
- Vanessa Baxter: Your dad can drive Boyd to day care.
- Mike Baxter, Kristin Baxter: There's no car seat in the truck.
- Vanessa Baxter: Well, I will take the truck. You can take the minivan.
- Mike Baxter: [he laughs] You'll take the truck. I'll drive the minivan. You're not kidding right now, are you?
- Vanessa Baxter: No, I'm not.
- Mike Baxter: What happened to men? We used to build cities just so we could burn them down. We got our hair cut by a guy named Hank.