Family Guy (TV Series)

Foreign Affairs (2011)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin, Tom Tucker, Jafar

Photos 

Quotes 

• Meg Griffin : The goat flu outbreak at school is over and, honestly, I'm afraid we're not learning anything.

  Peter Griffin : Ohhhh Meg, you couldn't be wronger. You're learning everything! Watch! CHRIS! Dates! Battle of Hastings?

  Chris Griffin : I don't know.

  Peter Griffin : Franco-Prussian War?

  Chris Griffin : I don't know.

  Peter Griffin : Sherman's March to the Sea?

  Chris Griffin : I don't know.

  Peter Griffin : Cuban Missile Crisis?

  Chris Griffin : No idea.

  Peter Griffin : Trail of Tears?

  Chris Griffin : Never heard of it.

  Peter Griffin : Death of Charlemagne?

  Chris Griffin : What is that?

  Peter Griffin : Treaty of Augsburg?

  Chris Griffin : I got nothin'.

  Peter Griffin : Cortez reaches South America?

  Chris Griffin : Pumping a dry well.

  Peter Griffin : San Juan Hill?

  Chris Griffin : No!

  Peter Griffin : Wounded Knee?

  Chris Griffin : Stop!

  Peter Griffin : Great Schism?

  Chris Griffin : DAD!

  Peter Griffin : Ahh, I'll take you back to school.

• Teacher : [turning around the class on his scooter, completely naked]  This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other!

  Peter Griffin : [appearing in Chris' thought and whispering]  Chris... you know this

  Chris Griffin : [raising his hand]  Sherman's March to the Seal!

  Teacher : Yes! Finally someone gets it!

  [crashes off screen] 

  Teacher : Ah! Fuck, children! My cock-sucking elbow! Oh, all the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Oh, it's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Oh, I'm so fucked!

• Census Man : Okay, and how many people live in your palace?

  Jafar : [with Iago on the head of his staff]  Um, does the bird count?

  Census Man : Does the bird live here?

  Jafar : Yes.

  Census Man : Then, yes, the bird counts.

  Jafar : Uh, okay, two.

  Census Man : Great. What is your primary source of income?

  Jafar : Um, sorcery. And a little from political corruption, but primarily sorcery.

  Census Man : Yeah, I'll just put sorcery. Okay. Um, are you gay, straight, or not sure?

  Jafar : Uh, why are you asking me this?

  Census Man : It's just... I-I don't... I don't write the questions.

  Jafar : I know, it just seems a little personal.

  Census Man : Yeah, I-I understand. You're... you're free not to answer it if that's your choice.

  Jafar : No, no, no, it's okay. You can put "not sure."

• Lois Griffin : Okay, bye, everyone. Kids, you mind your father while I'm gone. Love you.

  Meg Griffin : Bye, Mom.

  Chris Griffin : Bye!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, Peter, I almost forgot. Here's some money for groceries and a list of the kids' schedules.

  Stewie Griffin : The fat man in charge for a week? He's gonna be in over his head. Like when he was a boxing coach.

  Peter Griffin : [cut to him as a boxing corner man]  Punch him! Punch him again! Punch him! Punch him now! Again! Now you're getting punched! Punch back! Don't let him hit you! Get out of the way! Punch him!

  [the bell signaling the end of the round rings] 

  Peter Griffin : You know what I'm gonna tell you. You gotta punch him more.

• Meg Griffin : Is everything all right?

  Peter Griffin : [in a poor disguise]  Everything's fine. It's me. I just dressed up like your father to jazz your teachers and get you out of here.

  Chris Griffin : What do you mean?

  Peter Griffin : I'm taking you out of here. That place is riddled with goat flu, so I'm gonna homeschool you kids.

  Chris Griffin : Oh, okay.

  Meg Griffin : Dad, where'd you get this car?

  Peter Griffin : I borrowed it from Quagmire. He's not home 'cause he got abducted by aliens last night.

  Glenn Quagmire : [cut to the bridge of a UFO]  So, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? Is that...?

  Alien : No, that's more or less been retired.

  Glenn Quagmire : I see, I see. D-Do you still have the thing?

• Peter Griffin : Recent years have also seen many important historical events. 1985 brought us the gayest music video of all time.

  [in its entirety, the music video for Mick Jagger and David Bowie's collaborative cover version of "Dancing in the Street" plays] 

  Peter Griffin : That happened, and we all let it happen.

• Peter Griffin : [homeschooling Meg and Chris]  Good morning, class.

  Meg Griffin , Chris Griffin : Morning, Dad.

  Peter Griffin : We're gonna need a few things for this class; an eagerness to learn, a thirst for knowledge. But one thing we won't need is this.

  [taking his tie off and throwing it in a trash can] 

  Peter Griffin : That's right. I know you're all used to teachers wearing tuxedos and Dracula capes, but not this one.

  [removing the rest of his clothes] 

  Peter Griffin : There will be no pretense in this classroom. There will only be open minds and new horizons. Get ready for adventure. I know some teachers think class should be an exercise in structure, but not Mr. Griffin.

  [taking out and beginning to ride a kick scooter] 

  Peter Griffin : This is what my class will be! This! Learn with me! Let's teach each other!

  Chris Griffin : Yay, learning!

  [Meg remains seated while he strips naked and begins riding a scooter, too] 

  Peter Griffin : Chris, A! Meg, F!

• Lois Griffin : All right, I'm off to Paris. You guys gonna be okay without me for a week?

  Stewie Griffin : Ugh, I don't know. I mean, who's gonna put those three magazines in a neat stack on the coffee table?

  Peter Griffin : Lois, I realize you're excited about going away with Bonnie and all, but could I... could I not have to hear about the trip when you get back? I-I just... I know you're gonna have pictures and stories, and I-I just... I-I-I just don't want to be involved in any of that mess.

• Tom Tucker : This just in: there has been a confirmed outbreak of goat flu at James Woods High School.

  Brian Griffin : Goat flu? You gotta be kidding me. Every year, the stupid media tries to scare us with this kind of thing, and every year, it turns out to be nothing.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, it's nothing.

  Meg Griffin : I know. Every year, it's nothing.

  Peter Griffin : Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this.

  Tom Tucker : Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar.

  Peter Griffin : [the clip plays]  Oh, dear.

  Tom Tucker : Here's some footage of people licking subway turnstiles.

  Peter Griffin : [anopther clip plays]  Oh.

  Tom Tucker : Here's some footage of a man with the flu making out with you while you're asleep.

  Peter Griffin : [a clip of a man kissing him while he sleeps plays]  Oh, my God!