Bad Movie Beatdown (TV Series)

Grown Ups (2011)

Mathew Buck: Film Brain

Quotes 

• Film Brain : I can't believe I'm saying these words, but I feel sorry for Rob Schnieder.

• Film Brain : [re: Adam Sandler]  Or maybe I don't like him purely because he keeps his friends Rob Schneider and David Spade in work thanks to his production company. I mean, it's nice that he helps his friends out, but Dickie Roberts? Deuce Bigelow? The formerly reviewed Paul Blart: Mall Cop? It reads more like a rap sheet!

• Film Brain : I didn't know the WGA let you take credit for something you wrote on a cocktail napkin.

• Film Brain : Seriously, you roll your eyes at the fact they act like irritating hell spawn, maybe you shouldn't have brought the goddamn nanny along for the bloody weekend! Here's a tip for you, Lenny, learn responsibility!

• Film Brain : Do you remember when Chris Rock was considered to be an edgy comedian? Those were the days.

• Film Brain : I can't believe I have to explain this to a bunch of comedians, but if you have to explain it's a joke, it's not funny!

• Film Brain : Get it? It's funny 'cause he's fat.

• Film Brain : And then Kevin James dances with the KFC bucket on his head. So much for the sadness of loss.

• Film Brain : If they were this stupid as kids, I'm surprised they made it to puberty.

• Film Brain : Of course this is just an excuse for more prat-falls, which I suppose is funny if you like people falling face-first into shit. And why else would you be watching this otherwise?

• Rob : [having been shot in the foot with an arrow]  Get some alcohol on this bitch!

  Film Brain : Or, I don't know, go to a hospital! And get Kevin James an x-ray while you're at it.

• Film Brain : Rob Schneider, you predictable butt monkey.

• Film Brain : I love how this movie preaches going outside and having fun when we're sat in doors watching THEIR shitty film, wishing we were having fun.

• Film Brain : The dude works as a cook and you're a Hollywood super agent. I think you won the war.

• Film Brain : I think it's safe to say we've learned absolutely nothing.

• Film Brain : If you think that premise is anorexically thin, then you should try to see how it stretches to microscopic.

• Film Brain : Continuing the schlubby guy/hot wife trend, Eric is married to Maria Bello as Sally. I mean, what is with Kevin James? First Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and now this? You'd never see this happen in real life.

  [cuts to a picture of Kevin James with a hot chick] 

  Film Brain : Never mind.

• Film Brain : Probably the most depressing thing about the film, actually, when I think about it is Maria Bello, who at one point was considered to be a decent, daring actress literally having her dignity sucked away in a shitty Adam Sandler movie. I know Mummy 3 was a bad career move, but is this really what it's come to?

  Sally : Sorry.

  Film Brain : You damn well should be apologizing, you've disgraced yourself.

• Film Brain : Chris Rock seems to be the one member of the cast with the least to do. His character hardly ever becomes prominent, and Rock just seems to blend into the background, not really doing anything. Hell, he looks as bored as the audience. Give the guy a joke or a swear, something to do!

• Film Brain : I'm not expecting nuance characters, but these are all one-joke characters, and their one joke each isn't really that interesting. Hell, it makes me pine for the days of Paul Blart, because at least there was some pretense of playing a character.

• Film Brain : Also, about half way through the film, as if it wasn't congested enough with side characters and subplots, they bring in Rob's three daughters from his previous marriages, two of which are predominantly there to be lusted over by the guys, who could easily pass for their fathers.

  Kurt : [watching a girl in short shorts trying to fix a car]  I hope that car never gets fixed.

  Marcus : I don't think it will. I took the spark plugs out.

  Lenny : Nice.

  Film Brain : Eww, that's just creepy.

• Film Brain : Oh my God, Adam Sandler's turned into my dad, complaining about the "good old days." I mean, this was antiquated when I was growing up!

• Film Brain : It also means filling the movie with forced bullshit conflicts, like whether or not Lenny and his family fly to Milan to attend his wife's fashion show. I'll give you a hint: they don't!

• Lenny : I just thought the Baileys needed to learn how to win every once in a while, and the Baileys needed to learn how to lose.

  Film Brain : This feels less like an act of benevolence, and more like the mighty, God-like Adam Sandler got off his throne to patronize the mere mortals who oppose him.

• Film Brain : There's one word to describe Grown Ups: lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy. The jokes are staggeringly lame and sub-sitcom which is astonishing when you get five comedians together, and even more astonishingly, completely bland. There's so many characters that nobody really gets to play a character, the theme of death is almost completely ignored by the halfway point, and all the gags are repeated even when they weren't funny in the first place. It has no narrative drive, and hardly any direction, so it's a sluggish bore that feels like three hours. It feels like the actors were on paid holiday, laughing at each other, and we're not invited on the fun.