Seize Them! (2024) Poster

(2024)

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5/10
Queen's Gambit
southdavid8 April 2024
A film watched for no other reason that its starting time fit in with my leaving a previous screening, the trailers for "Seize Them!" weren't particularly inspiring though were a fair guide to a film that I didn't particularly enjoy, but also wouldn't go as far as saying that I hated.

Dagan (Aimee Lou Wood), the unpopular and spoiled Queen of medieval Britain is overthrown in a people's rebellion led by Humble Joan (Nicola Coughlan). Dagan is spirited away from the castle by a servant Shulmay (Lolly Adefope) and, along with a peasant they meet, Bobik (Nick Frost) heads towards the East Coast where her Scandinavian family will restore her to power. Along the way she learns an appreciation for life outside the castle but is pursued by Leofwine (Jessica Hynes) who was formally in Dagan's court, but has switched sides and looks to prove herself.

It's definitely not good. Let's get the clear now. It's just not funny, despite all the talent involved on screen. There were only a few laughs and almost all of them were a) from Nick Frost and b) based on his delivery rather than the joke itself. There's nothing wrong with the performances from any of the lead characters though, the recreation is .. cheap, but works well enough. But the fact it's not that funny is perhaps the only one that really matters.

I would also say, and this might just have been my particular screening, but the final act, that takes place on a beach looked very odd. The colour kept bleeding out of the images in a way that reminded me of old cassette-based video recording. Like the saturation levels were wrong. Again, I'm not marking the film down for this as it might have been a problem in my screening only but I felt I'd mention it.

Writer Andy Riley wrote the series "Year of the Rabbit" a few years back, which I enjoyed and, perhaps not unsurprisingly, given the subject matter here, wrote on "Horrible Histories". I'd say it's "inoffensively not funny" by which I mean that whilst I didn't laugh at it, I never came to resent it that much for not being so.
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3/10
Just Awful
GB658 April 2024
When I see a comedy with the names Nick Frost and Jessica Hynes I think I'm in for a good time. Don't be fooled, this is a truly awful film which I gave three stars simply because of the aforementioned duo. Enough good actors to make this work but the script is shocking, the jokes don't work and some of the characters are stupid beyond belief (the Scandi Kings). As for the 'good actors'; Lolly Adefope didn't look interested -possibly realising once filming started what she'd let herself in for- Nicola Coughlan continues to baffle me, Aimee Lou Wood looked like she was trying to summon the spirit of Miranda Richardson's wonderful Queen Elizabeth in Blackadder II and failing miserably and the less said about Paul Kaye the better. I've never even been close to walking out of a film in a cinema I was so close today.
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7/10
Seize Them!
CinemaSerf10 April 2024
Does anyone remember "Boudica" (2019)? Well this is in the same sort of vein but a little better. "Dagan" (Aimee Lou Wood) is the hated queen of a realm that is being taken over by the woman-of-the-people who is "Humble Joan" (Nicola Coughlan doing her best Jeanette Krankie impersonation) who has discovered the power of gunpowder. Luckily for the overthrown queen, she has one loyal servant and she - "Shulmay (Lolly Adefope) has her head screwed on well enough to get them to safety. Then it's a trek 140 miles to the sea where they are to meet the queen's foreign relatives who have apparently promised military aide. En route they encounter the nice-but-dim "Bobik" (Nick Frost) and have some adventures staying one step ahead of the pursuing turncoat "Leofwine" (Jessica Hynes) and avoiding potential betrayal in every village where people would happily turn them in for the 200 pieces of silver reward. This might have done better as an half hour comedy sketch, but stretching it out for ninety minutes was a mistake. There's nowhere near enough substance in either the script nor the characterisations to sustain it for that long. Wood is quite funny for the first five minutes as the stroppy and spoilt woman with the legendary perfect feet and a crown, but there's only so much toilet humour I can be bothered with before I start to look around the cinema at others doing the same. There's a little very black comedy at the end but by then I was largely disinterested. It's a film for the television on a dark night after a few beers when you've got some mates in. As a piece of stand-alone cinema, even with what must have been a pretty shoestring budget, it's a bit puerile and really quite disappointing.
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2/10
Why?
gsdpjmcdgw19 April 2024
Why?

This would have been a fun film for youg (ish) kids, so why add swearing - there really was no need and it's not the sort of film that would appeal to an older audience - although, because of the swearing, it's rated 15. Having said that I laughed twice.

I can confirm that there was a plot, there was acting and, possibly, some direction. It felt like a prolonged TV sketch - put in the rack and tortured, until it was mistakenly let go.

I am mystified why this was released into cinemas - maybe to test its commercial viability, but as I was the only person in the cinema the answer to that is clear.
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7/10
Such an oditty
neillgudgin5 April 2024
The worst film I've watched that I really rather enjoyed. What a strangeness this is. It felt as though the brilliant cast were making something else that didn't take all that long, so, in their lunchbreaks they made a film on the side. The budget must have been at least £12.50 (ironically the total takings for the 9 o'clock showing not including crisps and a coke) but all that aside, we quite enjoyed it. Sad to say we were the only two in the late showing at our local budget cinema, slightly shocking considering it was the opening night.

Can't see films like this being the saviour of the silver screen.

I think the unnecessary gore and swearyness could easily have been cut and the film could have been a PG rather than a 15 opening up a much larger Easter holiday audience.
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3/10
Disappointing & lacking the vital ingredient
Padreviews5 April 2024
Billed as a comedy , this fell flat from start to finish , you could count the laughs on one finger .

Such a shame with stars such as Nick Frost & Jessica Hynes of Spaced & Shaun of the dead fame

It had the low budget feeling of horrible history but lacked the comic genius

It's really difficult to find anything positive to say about this except that it's good to see an English film make a cinema appearance but I doubt if this will last til week 2

147 characters to fill so not sure what else I can say except that it's really not worth seeing especially if you pay for it , such a shame

New paragraph from the next day & still wondering what did I see ? I wish it had been as good as Horrible Histories as they get away with the low budget by making up with humour , it's been over 13 years since Gnomeo & Juliet which seemed ok but the laughs here were lacking

The casting was interesting and that in itself was similar to Brigerton by breaking the mould which is do often done in Shakespeare too & good to have two strong female lead characters & a number of mixed race roles which is refreshing , it's just sad it missed the comedy , I'd say it was a farce & not on a good way & relied far too much on bad language & taboo subjects such as excrement to tease out a laugh , the only funny scene & possibly a rare spoiler here was the disposing of one of the key witnesses which used repetitive action to capture a laugh but for the most part the audience was silent in the cinema where I saw it

I couldn't recommend this to anyone

Sorry cast & crew

Pad. A 3/10.
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1/10
Shameful, lazy and embarrassing.
chris_rowe-881-16882010 April 2024
Most of this cast are people I really like, I didn't mind it being female led as you had 3 genuinely funny women leading the film, so couldn't see this being bad, then the showtimes came out, it was obvious the cinema saw the film as a flop, so went anyway.

Let's start with James Acaster, from a big role in the new Ghostbusters to this? I mean everything here was unprofessional and weak, if it'd have been a free tv movie on Dave you'd maybe like it more but at nearly £20 a ticket this is disgusting, it shouldn't have got to the screens, luckily I pay subscription.

The script wasn't funny, seemed to want to mimic horrible histories and ghosts kinda sense of humour but nothing landed, the acting was just weak but the script didn't help, there was more groans in the screening I was at. A few chuckles but not enough to excuse paying for this garbage.

This cast could've put together a great movie even with this idea, I'm amazed having nick frost in here, that you'd not get his advice or opinion!

The world was ok, costumes were garbage, endless unnecessary swearing, alot of stuff that didn't fit with time line, just a real mess.

Please don't waste your money on this, free stream or tv then fine but honestly you'll regret wasting a penny on this.
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1/10
Lucky to get a 1
johnpggboyd-648239 April 2024
Warning: Spoilers
Lucky to get a 1.

Why?

Because this entire film is awful. The costumes are awful. The acting is awful. The graphics are awful. The Direction is awful. The scenery is awful. The script is awful. How did this film get released????? We spent money going to this film and we should have got a refund. Why did the actors in this film not demand that this film was pulled from being released. We wasted nearly 2 hours of the day at the cinema. Then I stayed to go to a decent film called Dune 2. This has to be the worst film I have ever seen. I cannot think of a worse film. The film's Producers should be ashamed of themselves in releasing this rubbish of a film. The film studio should be ashamed!

I even annoyed I have had to write this review!
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1/10
😫 God Awful Direction 😫
Just Got of a screening of Seize Them!

It's one of the Worst Films I've seen this year so far.

The Tone was so good.....but whoever directed this thing, couldn't direct his/her way out of a paper bag. Just Completely Ineffective.

Just an absymal execution of every single element apart from the tone.

  • 👎The Characters could of been better.(And what are they doing with Nick Frost in this film? Good god. They completely wasted him)


  • 👎The Screenplay and Dialogue should of been sharper and executed far more effectively.


  • 👎The Comedy. What Comedy? Again Terrible.


I liked the map as they travelled, the Cinematography and shots of different locations in England and the tone and that is it.

Overall, Just an absolute waste of my time.
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