Quotes

El Secuestro

Cheryl: Yes, I spent like every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about
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Cheryl: . Apparently, slavery was pretty awesome.
Malory Archer: Prove it.
Sterling Archer: What's to prove? It's free labor.
Malory Archer: Not THAT, ass. Prove you're really a Tunt.

Sterling Archer: On the way, we gotta stop at a toy store and at least get him a stuffed animal. Something. It's like, Meowschwitz in there.

Pam: [a masked man punches Pam in the face] Who taught you how to punch? Your husband?
[the man punches her again]
Pam: You better just fucking kill me.

Pam Poovey: So then he's all like, you gotta go before my roommate gets home. And I'm like, who cares? And he's like...
Cheryl Tunt: You're a moped.
Pam Poovey: How'd you know? What's it mean, anyway?
Cheryl Tunt: Mopeds are fun, but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.
Pam Poovey: Oh.
Cheryl Tunt: Yeah.
Pam Poovey: I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. Only had 10 beers.
Cheryl Tunt: 40's?
Pam Poovey: No. Yes. Hence the shandy. My head feels like a bunch of monkeys fighting over a bucket of marbles.

Lana Kane: Kinda curious. Why do you even work at ISIS?
Cheryl Tunt: Why do you?
Lana Kane: Ha! Because I'm not worth a billion dollars.
Cheryl Tunt: Yeah, me neither. I have to split it with my stupid brother, Cecil.
Malory Archer: And how much will you be splitting?
Cheryl Tunt: It actually is a billion dollars.
Lana Kane: I am literally wet with jealousy.

Lana Kane: Pam, you okay?
Pam: [very angry] Do you people even give a shit? Cheryl's dumb ass gets me kidnapped and the shit kicked out of me all day, and nobody even tries to rescue me?
Ray Gillette: Archer's fault.
Sterling Archer: Shut up!
Pam: YOU shut up, Mister "Pam's Not Worth It!" Then you stupid a-holes shoot a jillion stupid a-hole bullets at me!
Malory Archer: Not me! I wasn't shooting!
Pam: And YOU, the worst of the bunch!
Malory Archer: Me? Why me?
Pam: Five thousand measly dollars?
Malory Archer: You know, maybe I lowballed him at first, but I-I-I had some wiggle room!
Pam: Yeah? Well let's see how much you wiggle when I'm whipping five thousand bucks worth of your ass!
Lana Kane: Hey, whoa, Pam!
Sterling Archer: Lana. Let her have this one.
Malory Archer: Sterling! Somebody? Anybody?

Malory Archer: Do you expect me to believe you're a descendant of Cornelius Tunt?

Malory Archer: Well, now, this is just a disaster!
Brett Buckley: Yeah, ya think?
Malory Archer: Not you, Mr. Blood Mobile!
Sterling Archer: [laughing] He got shot again.
Malory Archer: Cyril was insisting we try to get the kidnappers to release Pam.
Lana Kane: Weren't you gonna do that anyway?
Malory Archer: If it came up. And will somebody answer the damn phone for once in their life?
Sterling Archer: Looking your way, Brett.
Brett Buckley: Hello?
Sterling Archer: Was that so hard?
Brett Buckley: Yes? Yeah, one sec. Kidnappers!
Lana Kane: Okay, keep them on the line.
Sterling Archer: I'm lead negotiator!
Lana Kane: No, you're not!

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