Brad Jones: Cinema Snob

Quotes 

• Cinema Snob : No, no, no, no, I am not talking about another fucking Nick Phillips movie. There's a reason why I've gone two and a half years without reviewing any of the Crazy Fat Ethel II follow-ups, and for the life of me... it's been so long that I can't think of what that reason is.

  ["Shot on Shitteo" flashes on screen] 

  Cinema Snob : Fuck!

• Cinema Snob : They're like a fucking sex shop penis extension. They seem longer than they actually are.

• Cinema Snob : Urgent care, my ass. That's a fucking house. What's that, Doctor, Miss Roberts' cancer is progressing? Well never fear, let's just send her to that house in the suburbs. What kind of fucking hospital is this?

• Cinema Snob : Maybe it would have helped to have an actual doctor on the set, because they keep referring to every medical utensil as a scalpel.

  Dr. Mortley : Scalpel. Scalpel. Scalpel.

  Cinema Snob : And by the way, none of those are scalpels!

• Cinema Snob : I haven't seen this big of a fuck up since Sorority House Massacre II used stock footage from Slumber Party Massacre. I have an idea, when the next Friday the 13th comes out, let's just use stock footage from The Town That Dreaded Sundown.

• Cinema Snob : A cop shows up to visit his nephew, but he is turned away by Nurse Edith, so as he's walking away, he smells the bodies in the garage. Caught. Done. It's like they're thinking to themselves, "fuck, should we fight back? Should we let this movie pass the 60 minute mark? Ah, fuck it. We'd be better off in prison than have to finish out this fucking shit." The end! And as fucking awful as that is, there's a fucking sequel!

• Cinema Snob : Look, they even used the same fucking sets. And by sets, I mean the director's fucking house. Oh, if these walls could talk, it would be a story of complete mediocrity.

• Cinema Snob : In Death Nurse, Alden plays Edith Mortley, nurse to a crazy doctor who specializes in killing his patients for no reason whatsoever.

• Cinema Snob : What kind of fucking hospital is this? Well apparently it's the kind that transports tuberculosis patients by simply walking them there. I'm not kidding, this character is supposed to have tuberculosis.

  [patients hacks wildly] 

• Cinema Snob : As you can imagine, the rest of the film is absolutely riveting.

  [cut to a minute-long scene of Dr. Mortley eating ice cream] 

  Cinema Snob : This movie SUCKS.

• Cinema Snob : It doesn't even stop there, it just likes to throw in stock footage wherever it damn well pleases. You couldn't find a rat, huh? You couldn't find a fucking rat to shoot in 1987, you had to dig up footage from nineteen seventy-fucking-five?