Archer (TV Series)

Swiss Miss (2011)

H. Jon Benjamin: Sterling Archer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Anka Schlotz : I don't know. I am from Germany, where the age of consent is fourteen.

  Sterling Archer : What is it? The Alabama of Europe?

• Malory Archer : You're damn lucky Anka convinced her father not to press charges.

  Sterling Archer : Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see, sexually assaulted by a teenaged sociopath, interrogated by gendarmes, oh, three stitches in my penis, so, yep, it's all breaking my way.

• Sterling Archer : [Spoken into the bathroom mirror]  You don't want the world's greatest secret agent on the case? Fine! You want little Countess Von Fingerbang to get kidnapped? Fine!

  Sterling Archer : [a door is heard opening in the other room]  Oh, oh, oh, and as for you, Ray, Sterling Archer may be many things...

  Sterling Archer : [Archer walks out of the bathroom]  ... but he is not...

  Sterling Archer : [Archer sees Anka just inside the door of his hotel room]  ... fine?

  Anka Schlotz : I think he is very fine.

  Sterling Archer : Uhh, no, no, Anka, you can't be in here.

  Anka Schlotz : Anka? Mr. Archer, how familiar.

  [Anka walks forward, unzipping her jacket] 

  Anka Schlotz : You must address me by my title, Countess Von Fingerbang.

• Lana Kane : Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?

  Sterling Archer : Well, obviously, before. After was all gendarmes and dick stitches.

• Sterling Archer : No, I can't be alone.

  [Lana groans] 

  Sterling Archer : That's when she strikes, like a slutty little ninja.

• Malory Archer : [a picture of Anka Schlotz is displayed on a video screen behind Malory. In the picture, Anka is stepping out of a limousine with no underwear and a shaved, but blurred, crotch]  Sterling Malory Archer! You will not touch a single hair on that girl.

  Sterling Archer : Uhh, see... how I just let that go by. Look at me. I am the perfect gentleman.

• Malory Archer : Schwein doesn't even touch it.

  Sterling Archer : Yeah, well neither did I, mother. I saved her life! Go ask that dick I set on fire!

• Malory Archer : Herr Schlotz fears they may attempt a kidnapping during the birthday party he's throwing this weekend in Gstaad.

  Ray Gillette : Ach. Gstaad.

  Lana Kane : Gstaad? Oh, yeah! Count me in.

  Sterling Archer : Yeah, and me out. I'm not getting frostbite protecting some old German guy.

  Malory Archer : Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter, Anka.

  [a picture of Anka flashes on a video screen behind Malory. In the picture, Anka is stepping out of a limousine with no underwear and a shaved, but blurred, crotch] 

  Sterling Archer : Who obviously needs someone on her constantly, so I will be that someone who is constantly on her.

• Ray Gillette : Aaah! Derby Day. Wore that exact same hat.

  Sterling Archer : Shock.