How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

Desperation Day (2011)

Josh Radnor: Ted Mosby

Quotes 

• Marshall Eriksen : I miss my dad, Ted... I miss him so much.

  Ted Mosby : I know.

  Marshall Eriksen : When I was a kid, we would spend the summers in the upper peninsula. And every year we wouldn't get in the cabin till the middle of the night. And so, it'd be pitch black in the middle of the woods. I could never see anything in front of the headlights, but I always felt so safe... cause my dad was driving. He was like some sort of superhero that could just see way out into the darkness... and now he's just gone, and it's pitch black. I can't see where I'm going. I can't see anything...

• Barney Stinson : Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a 10 has the self esteem of a 4, and the depraved enthusiasm of a 2. Now, there's only one thing you can't do.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Please say "widows."

  Barney Stinson : Wherever you are, or whoever you're under, you must get home alone by 11:59 p.m. Otherwise, you're on a date on Valentine's Day.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Barney, Desperation Day assumes that all single women freak out about Valentine's Day.Which we do not. Case in point: I will be spending February 13 with some lovely single ladies from work...

  Barney Stinson : [Interrupts]  Trolls.

  Robin Scherbatsky : ...who could care less about Valentine's Day.

  Barney Stinson : Lying trolls.

  Robin Scherbatsky : And we will be celebrating the fact that we don't have to spend it with some dippy guy carting around roses and stuffed toys all night. Oh, no offense, Ted.

  Ted Mosby : And none was taken until just then.

• [Discussing Zoey's invitation to bake cookies with Ted, the gang says it's a booty call] 

  Ted Mosby : That's crazy, she - she wants to bake...

  Robin Scherbatsky : Guys booty call girls after 2am with a drunkenly slurred "Whatcha doin'?", but when a lady booty calls a guy, she invents a respectable excuse to mask the fact that she wants to get stuck, real good. It's called class, Ted.

• Barney Stinson : Loneliness... the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching... the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.

  Robin Scherbatsky : That's not a thing

  Barney Stinson : It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years.

  [Visualizes Roman-era wedding] 

  Barney Stinson : Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.

  Ted Mosby : That's actually true.

  Barney Stinson : Wait. There's more.

  Ted Mosby : This won't be.

  Barney Stinson : And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.

  [Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks exactly like Robin] 

  Barney Stinson : [as St. Desperatius]  Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.

  Ted Mosby : [as St. Valentine]  Player! Play on! High V.

  [high-fives] 

  Robin Scherbatsky : [as Roman woman]  Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.

  Barney Stinson : [as St. Desperatius, to Robin]  And I thought Pompeii was smoking.

• Lily Aldrin : [Lily has had enough of Marshall being cooped up in the Eriksen house since the funeral, and Ted's presence does not help]  Marshall, I'm going home.

  Marshall Eriksen : [pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily]  What?

  Lily Aldrin : I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.

  Marshall Eriksen : I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.

  Lily Aldrin : Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day...

  Ted Mosby : [Surprised]  You have Super Mario Kart?

  Marshall Eriksen : Hell, yeah.

  [points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES] 

  Lily Aldrin : ...but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.

  Marshall Eriksen : Baby, don't go.

  Lily Aldrin : [kisses Marshall and leaves]  Please come home soon.

• Ted Mosby : They're actually called British Morning Socks.

  Zoey Pierson : Don't get in your own way!