- Charlie Harper: [On the phone] Hi, I'm watching your commercial, "Cash for Gold". You just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I wanna meet that woman! She's hot, and we know her marriage isn't working out!
- Alan Harper: Lyndsey told me she loves me tonight.
- Charlie Harper: Really? What did you say?
- Alan Harper: What could I say? I love you, too!
- Charlie Harper: Do you love her?
- Alan Harper: Yeah, sure! What's not to love?
- Charlie Harper: I don't know. Her mood swings. Her idiot teenage son. And the fact that you need a muscle relaxer, a bottle of wine and a jackhammer to get her off.
- Alan Harper: Hey! I told you about that in confidence!
- Charlie Harper: Who else is here? The same two people know!
- Charlie Harper: Everybody's got a little baggage. I drink and try to mouth-kiss hookers. You? You're cheap, annoying and no one likes you!