Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (TV Series)
Wet (2010)
Christopher Meloni: Detective Elliot Stabler
Quotes
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Detective Olivia Benson : You get anything out of Skinny and Dipper?
Detective Elliot Stabler : Yeah, he can't stop staring at her ass and she can't wait to never see him again.
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Sassoon : That girl in the fountain was already dead when I cut her hair.
Detective Olivia Benson : Yeah, but not when you raped her. You're going down for that and murder.
Sassoon : No, no, I got a lullaby.
Detective Elliot Stabler : You want to sing us a few bars?
Sassoon : I was at Bananatrama all night.
Detective Elliot Stabler : That's an alibi, not a lullaby, you moron.
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Detective Olivia Benson : Captain say how long we'd be here?
Detective Elliot Stabler : Nah. He's at the old precinct trying to clean it up.
Detective Olivia Benson : You hope they condemn it.
Detective Elliot Stabler : Hell, yeah. After a flood like that, I don't even want to know where that water's been.
Detective Olivia Benson : Not to mention this place is closer to your house.
Detective Elliot Stabler : Yeah? Something wrong with that?
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Witt Worley : This wouldn't be so bad if it was me and that lady cop instead of you.
Detective Elliot Stabler : You want to do to my partner what you did to that blond girl last night?:
Witt Worley : My reputation precedes me.
Detective Elliot Stabler : Yeah.
Witt Worley : What'd she say?
Detective Elliot Stabler : Ehh, she's not doing too much talking. Yeah, being raped and murdered will do that to you.
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Witt Worley : Okay, me and blondie had sex, but I sure as hell didn't rape and kill her.
Detective Elliot Stabler : Blondie? What's her real name?
Witt Worley : She never said. She just came up to me near the reservoir and said she was hot and wet.
Detective Elliot Stabler : A stranger in the park throws herself at you because, why, you're so charismatic?
Witt Worley : Look, the sex was consensual, okay? She even took out a tampon before we did it.
Detective Elliot Stabler : Okay. Where's the tampon?
Witt Worley : Killer ate it. My dachshund. I had to take him to the vet.
Detective Elliot Stabler : Your dog ate your homework? You just got an "F" for your alibi.
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Dr. Vincent Prochik : [Benson was accidentally dosed with psychedelic mushrooms] Glad to see you're okay, Olivia. Fungi should never hurt anyone.
Detective Olivia Benson : [to Stabler] Get anything useful yet?
Detective Elliot Stabler : Uh, no, but I've had it about up to here with the... "subtle and the disgusting"?
Dr. Vincent Prochik : Subtle and the gross, detective. Gross as in big, like gross profit. Have you ever been on a beach?
Detective Elliot Stabler : [sotto to Benson] You see, watch this. He keeps doing these sudden mental pivots.
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Dr. Vincent Prochik : Lindsay Elding. She wanted to privatize water. It's a resource that belongs to everyone.
Detective Elliot Stabler : Doesn't justify murder.
Dr. Vincent Prochik : Oh, I agree. I hate to say it but... Yay! She's dead!
Detective Olivia Benson : She had a daughter, Dr. Prochick. Who's now gonna grow up without a dad.
Dr. Vincent Prochik : [Correcting Benson] You mean a mom?
Detective Elliot Stabler : A mother. That you dosed with several kinds of South American mushrooms. Your specialty.
[Stabler slides a photograph across the table to Prochik]
Detective Elliot Stabler : We have a photo that puts you at the scene.
Detective Olivia Benson : [Suddenly delirious] At Niagara Falls? Ring a bell?
Detective Elliot Stabler : [to Benson] Detective, are you okay?
Detective Olivia Benson : [still delirious] We saw you on the roof with your gunmen.
Detective Elliot Stabler : What's going on?
Detective Olivia Benson : I'm not the one who stabbed the Captain with a pickle!
Dr. Vincent Prochik : Uh-oh. Let me look at you.
[Stabler intervenes and holds off Prochik]
Detective Elliot Stabler : I need you to back off.
Dr. Vincent Prochik : [to Benson] Let me see your eyes.
Detective Elliot Stabler : [to Prochik] You, stay there.
Dr. Vincent Prochik : Quick, catch her. She's gonna fall.
Detective Elliot Stabler : [Benson starts to pass out but Stabler catches her] Liv. Liv! Get a bus! We need a bus! Officer down!
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A.D.A. Mikka Von : [walking out of the courthouse with Stabler] I think we're gonna make a great team
Detective Elliot Stabler : Me too.
[Stabler sees Cragen walking up the courthouse steps]
Detective Elliot Stabler : Captain. How's the old place?
Donald Cragen : It's all getting squared away.
A.D.A. Mikka Von : Captain Cragen. I've been looking forward to meeting you. Mikka Von, your new ADA.
Donald Cragen : Yeah, well, nice knowing you. Your boss called. He's tied up. Asked me to deliver a message. Pack your bags. Go back to Chicago.
A.D.A. Mikka Von : [scoffs] I'm being fired by proxy?
Detective Elliot Stabler : What's going on?
Donald Cragen : Apparently, you sent a defense attorney on vacation, sub rosa. D.A. doesn't like dirty tricks.
Detective Elliot Stabler : Unless he's the one doing them.
Donald Cragen : I'm sorry.
A.D.A. Mikka Von : [to Stabler] Well, I guess I gotta go take my loft off the market.
Detective Elliot Stabler : [shakes hands with Mikka] Been nice working with you.
A.D.A. Mikka Von : Back at you.
[Mikka walks away]
Donald Cragen : She one of the good ones?
Detective Elliot Stabler : Yeah.
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Judge Miranski : [Stabler walks away from the judge, having failed to get a recess before the judge turns his attention back to Prochik] Continue, Dr. Prochik
Dr. Vincent Prochik : Uh, yes. I killed the Cola Queen. Because she was trying to play God. Who shall live and who shall die?
Detective Elliot Stabler : [removes his suit jacket, clearly faking] I'm hot.
Dr. Vincent Prochik : Our very survival depends on fresh water.
Detective Elliot Stabler : [removing his tie] Oh, boy is it hot in here.
Judge Miranski : [sternly] Detective Stabler!
Detective Elliot Stabler : [unbuttoning his shirt] Are you hot in here? I didn't order that pizza. I didn't order that pizza. I don't even like anchovies.
Judge Miranski : Detective!
Detective Elliot Stabler : All I want to do is get to the Garden.
Judge Miranski : That's it. I find you in contempt. Officers, restrain this man.
A.D.A. Mikka Von : Your Honor, Detective Stabler was exposed to neurotxic mushrooms in the line of duty. He is not in compos mentis.
Detective Elliot Stabler : [being taken out by the court officers] Your Honor, Al and Mike and Todd were gonna go water skiing at the Garden.
Judge Miranski : Call an ambulance.
Detective Elliot Stabler : I didn't order that pizza. Your Honor, I'm not even a fan of anchovies. Boy, is it hot in here.
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CSU : [showing Benson and Stabler something on the body] Detectives? This is not a fashion statement.
Detective Elliot Stabler : So our perp cut off a hunk of her hair as a keepsake.
Detective Olivia Benson : So he can relive every sick moment.
Detective Elliot Stabler : 'Till he finds his next victim.
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Detective Elliot Stabler : Bad news. Night manager of Bananatrama confirms Sassoon's "lullaby". He's a regular. He was booted out of there for giving Miss Terry an unwanted bob.
Detective Olivia Benson : What time?
Detective Elliot Stabler : 4:30. After our Jane Doe was drowned.
Detective Olivia Benson : So we're back to nothing.
A.D.A. Mikka Von : [entering] Speak for yourself. Mikka Von, your new ADA.
Detective Elliot Stabler : Hey. Stabler, Benson.
A.D.A. Mikka Von : I don't get first names?
Detective Olivia Benson : Well, we go through ADAs pretty fast around here. What do you got?
A.D.A. Mikka Von : DNA from the semen inside your victim.
Detective Elliot Stabler : You work fast.
Detective Olivia Benson : Well, it says here that it belongs to a woman. Monica Worley, collared for assaulting a cop at the Republican National Convention in '04.
Detective Elliot Stabler : Yeah, I got an SVU fun fact for you: semen only comes from guys.
A.D.A. Mikka Von : There were no hits on the sample. So I asked the lab to run a partial match.
Detective Olivia Benson : Which points to Monica's brother as our perp.
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Judge Miranski : Feeling better, detective?
Detective Elliot Stabler : Yes, your Honor. Go Knicks!