- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always gonna be screwed up. But you're the most incredible man I've ever known. You are always gonna be the most incredible man I have ever known. So unless you're breaking up with me, I am going home now.
- Dr. Gregory House: I love you.
- Dr. Gregory House: She's not a hooker.
- Dr. James Wilson: What are you... wha... . really?
- Dr. Gregory House: Begins with "C" ends with "uddy."
- Dr. James Wilson: [sighs] How many Vicodin have you taken?
- Dr. Robert Chase: Speaking of which, earlier today I asked you about having sex. You gave me a look that almost certainly could only mean no. However, on the other hand, I'd be remiss if I didn't follow up and confirm. See? That's the same look. So, if it didn't mean "no" the first time, then...
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: No. No, no, no.
- Dr. Robert Chase: No pressure.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Does that method ever work?
- Dr. Robert Chase: At least once.
- [Thirteen hugs Chase]
- Dr. Robert Chase: I'm getting mixed signals.
- Alex: Dr. Cuddy's first assignment was for me to get to know everything about Dr. House's team, and not to believe anything any of them told me.
- Dr. Gregory House: [On his cellphone] Hi, this is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine. Not suicidal. Not on drugs. Coping very well with the loss of my last patient. So feel free to go about your day without worrying. Beeeeeep.
- Dr. James Wilson: House. You can't just not show up to work. What's Cuddy going to say?
- Dr. Gregory House: If this is still Wilson, she gave me the day off and tomorrow
- [Cuddy glares at him]
- Dr. Gregory House: Okay, maybe not tomorrow, but today. I'm fine. Now go away! Beeeeeep.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: So, you gonna ask me about this Huntington's trial? And by ask, I mean give me your opinion.
- Dr. Robert Chase: No. There is one thing though. Will you have sex with me?
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: What?
- Dr. Robert Chase: Well, this trial mean you're leaving right away. I was playing a long game. Deadlines have been moved up.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It sounds like someone's trying to break in.
- Dr. Gregory House: [takes a sword] It's probably nothing. Stay here.
- [goes out of bedroom]
- Dr. James Wilson: [stuck in window] Hey.
- Dr. Gregory House: Stuck? Bummer. Looks painful. Chamomile or English Breakfast?
- Dr. James Wilson: Would you stop being an ass and pull me out of here?
- Dr. Gregory House: You didn't get my message earlier?
- Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, but as someone once told me, everybody lies.
- Dr. Gregory House: I'm fine. Just staying home, chillaxing.
- Dr. James Wilson: Your patient died, you ignore my calls, and you won't open the door. I don't think you're fine. I think you might be throwing away a drug-free year.
- Dr. Gregory House: Or, I'm ignoring you for a different reason. Sex with my girlfriend.
- Dr. James Wilson: Hmm. Will you please just... Please let me in.
- [House helps him in]
- Dr. James Wilson: Thank you. And since when did you start referring to hookers as girlfriends?
- Dr. Gregory House: She's not a hooker.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I really do have to leave.
- Dr. Gregory House: I know.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What's the problem?
- Dr. Gregory House: This isn't gonna work.
- Dr. Robert Chase: Cake? Taub though we should have a little party to see you off properly. He gets sentimental about these things.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I never should have flashed him.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: [about Thirteen] Point is, she's not even in the trial. Never heard of her. She's been lying to us all day.
- Dr. Robert Chase: Well, have you tried -?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Both her phone lines have been disconnected. She's just gone.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I love how everyone thinks it's so quaint and childlike of me to expect a modicum of privacy around here.
- Dr. Chris Taub: How long a leave are you taking?
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Depends.
- Dr. Chris Taub: On the drug trial. Sounds risky.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Yadda yadda. You don't think I should do it. Message heard.
- Dr. Chris Taub: No. I approve. Living fast and dying young is crap if you have a chance to get better. I say good for you.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [to Foreman] Is that your passive-aggressive way of asking me if I'm seeing somebody else?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: I hope you are. I mean... I hope you have someone with you. If I'm scared about this, I can't imagine how you must feel. You shouldn't be alone. If you want... I could fly over for a few days. Friends.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I appreciate that, but I think I'll be okay. I guess we took the long way around to being friends, huh?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] The only time you're afraid is when you're happy. You don't expect it to last.
- Dr. Gregory House: So that's it?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm hoping this is the beginning of it.
- Dr. Gregory House: Yeah.
- Dr. Robert Chase: Oh. I... I... . I thought that maybe it was because you're asking for a leave of absence and wouldn't have time to see a case through.
- Dr. Chris Taub: [Thirteen looks at Taub] I didn't say anything.
- Dr. Robert Chase: He didn't. I saw an envelope on House's desk with your name on it, so naturally I steamed it open.
- Dr. Chris Taub: What's wrong with you? You steam an envelope to keep it secret.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Which is why I just ripped it. You gonna tell us where you're going?
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [Long pause; Thirteen scoffs] Sure sounds like a "No."
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] Don't do this. Why do you have to analyze things to death? Why can't you just... let it be nice?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why would I be doing all this if I wanted to be private?
- [Long pause. Cuddy sighs]
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh. I never even asked. Maybe you're not ready yet.
- Dr. Robert Chase: You had shrimp?
- Dr. Richardson: Uh-huh.
- Dr. Robert Chase: And crab?
- Dr. Richardson: Uh-huh.
- Dr. Robert Chase: Lobster?
- Dr. Richardson: Uh-huh.
- Dr. Robert Chase: And?
- Dr. Richardson: I ate whatever looked good.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Did you eat any roe? Little tiny eggs?
- Dr. Richardson: Nummy.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Toad eggs will cause nausea, and they can get you high. If I'm right, the antidote is fast-acting. If we can get him to keep his clothes on long enough, he can pass as a functioning neurosurgeon.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: What if his behavior isn't a side effect of the ondansetron? What if it's a symptom?
- Dr. Robert Chase: Thank you.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: What causes delirium and nausea?
- Dr. Chris Taub: He's been stuck here in the hospital a few days. Nobody else is sick, so it can't be environmental...
- Dr. Richardson: Not exactly stuck. I snuck out. Freedom is my birthright.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Where did you go?
- Dr. Richardson: The seafood festival at the convention center.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: We're screwed. The seafood festival has stuff from all around the world, in combinations nobody ever thought of.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to House on the phone] Cuddy's assistant decided to use his own brain. Who put that idiot idea into his head?
- Dr. Gregory House: Perhaps you could follow the same advice.
- Dr. Robert Chase: He notified DPH that there's no neurosurgeon on the premises. Said he legally had to, which he legally had to.
- Dr. Gregory House: Sounds like you got the situation under control.
- Dr. Robert Chase: No. I don't. You know I don't. When DPH shows up, they're gonna shut down our ER. This can't be fixed. It is what it is, House.
- Dr. Gregory House: Great. I've got every faith in your ability to solve the problem.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I have called every neurosurgeon within a 45-mile radius. Nothing.
- Dr. Robert Chase: Maybe House is just testing us.
- Dr. Chris Taub: He's always testing us.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Test or not, it's a problem.
- Dr. Robert Chase: It's not our problem. Why the hell is it House's problem?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Where the hell is Cuddy? We either report this, and half the hospital gets shut down, or we cover it up and run the risk that the entire hospital gets shut down.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Or we get Richardson.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: He's sick.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: And we're doctors. We get people better.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [while House and Cuddy are taking a bath together] House?
- Dr. Gregory House: Yeah?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The secret bath is burning my lady parts.
- Dr. Gregory House: How do you think my
- [whispers]
- Dr. Gregory House: anus feels? Burning means it's working.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Can we get out now?
- Dr. Gregory House: I was so waiting for you to say that.
- [they get out of the tub]
- Dr. Gregory House: [while on the phone with Chase] Interesting factoid. Did you know that if we don't have a neurosurgeon on the premises, all the puppies in the world will choke to death on all the babies?
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase on the phone while making a bath for Cuddy] So how come we don't have like, five neurosurgeons?
- Dr. Robert Chase: Well, we had three, but Kapur retired and then Nichols just took off for his daughter's wedding.
- Dr. Gregory House: I've got good news. For the next 16 hours, you are the new neurosurgeon.
- Dr. Robert Chase: I'm not a neurosurgeon.
- Dr. Gregory House: Which would matter if you actually had to do some neurosurgery.
- Dr. Robert Chase: House, it's a hospital. The odds of having to do neurosurgery are higher than in most places.
- Dr. Gregory House: If an EMT calls in with a brain or spinal trauma, just divert them to the nearest hospital. All you gotta do is stand around and keep the E.R. open. It's an administrative problem, not a medical one.
- Dr. Robert Chase: House, where the hell are you?
- Dr. Gregory House: Great. Glad you're on it.
- [hangs up the phone]
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [to Foreman] You read my note. You go through my locker. And then you decide you want to round it off by lecturing me on my life choices?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm worried about you.
- Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Oh. Well, that makes it all right then.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] I can always tell when you lie. I mean always.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I slept with my freshman roommate.
- Dr. Gregory House: A lie.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: A truth.
- Dr. Gregory House: You have a tell.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What is it?
- Dr. Gregory House: First, admit that you were lying.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Fine. I was lying. My sexual history is boring and predictable. What is my tell?
- Dr. Gregory House: Are you kidding? If I tell you your tell, you'll get rid of it, then I won't be able to tell.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] There's glass everywhere. Couldn't you have just put the mirror down nice and gentle?
- Dr. Gregory House: I was in a mood.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] You turned off your phone, but you're still wondering, "What could it have been? What emergency will bring down the entire hospital if I decide to take the morning off?"
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm sorry. The clinic is facing reduced funding from the state. Nurse Jeffrey is filing his 12th H.R. complaint. Richardson is threatening to quit because he's basically been a prisoner at the hospital for almost a week.
- Dr. Gregory House: Richardson?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The neurosurgeon. He's the only one I have right now, which means he has to stay on the premises at all times or else the hospital technically isn't a level one trauma center.
- Dr. Gregory House: Which means?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'd have to shut down the E.R., transfer all of the patients out of the ICU...
- Dr. Gregory House: Okay, stop. Turn around.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why?
- Dr. Gregory House: Because you need to relax.
- [rubs Cuddy's shoulders and moves towards the door to the living room]
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where are we going?
- [House nudges Cuddy out of the room and he starts to close the bathroom door on her]
- Dr. Gregory House: I am going to make you a magical bath. It will have bubbles and eastern spices and blue diamonds and green clovers, transformative powers. But I must have solitude to focus my creative energies.